184: How to get on the same page as your co-parent

Do you sometimes wish your co-parent would join you on the respectful parenting journey you’re on?

Would things be easier if you were on the same page?

Does it seem like you try to convince them using all the research you’ve done respectful parenting…only to have them throw up the “I don’t think we have to make a big deal out of this” card?

Sarah and Declan had this dynamic in their relationship too.

Knowing each other well isn’t always enough

They met when they were 10 and have been together for 15 years, so they know each other pretty well.  They had even talked about their values before they got married, and found alignment on many of them.

But Declan is a psychologist working with children and families, so he got the Big Veto.  (It turns out that psychology training focuses on evidence-based strategies to change behavior…which isn’t that hard to do with rewards and punishments.  I think a lot of psychologists show up in my programs because they realize that “evidence-based” doesn’t necessarily mean “good for us” or “aligned with my values”).

Sarah was struggling with the transition from two to three children, along with Declan’s full-time work, her own part-time work, and a major home renovation - they haven’t had a functional kitchen in two years.Sarah knew she needed more support…but Declan wasn’t sure.  Until he realized that when you’re on a team, you don’t tell an injured player to suck it up.  You can’t tell the parent who is struggling to figure it out by themselves.  We all have a role to play in a family that meets everyone’s needs.

A way to repair ruptures that meets both of their needs

This was most apparent when Sarah would say something critical, causing a temporary rupture…and then would desperately try to repair, wanting to talk it out then and there so she could reestablish connection with him, in a reenactment of her anxious attachment relationship with her mother.

Declan didn’t find that connecting at all…he saw that she was trying to make herself feel better, not to reconnect with him, and he would retreat - the exact opposite of what she was looking for from him.

On a group coaching call a few months ago we worked through an example of this dynamic - and found a way to help them reestablish connection that worked for both of them that has made a profound difference in their ability to navigate conflict.  They discuss how it has worked for them in this new episode.

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Jump to highlights

01:20 Introduction of this episode’s guests

01:44 Basic information about Sarah and Declan’s family

02:27 Sarah’s childhood experiences and the intergenerational trauma that affected her family

07:25 Declan’s family dynamic which was not emotionally open or supportive

09:20 Declan talks about his experiences with his authoritarian father

10:30 What it was like being together for a long time and then becoming parents

11:21 What Sarah and Declan consider as the most important values they had as a family, as well as the effective parenting strategy that worked during their early years of parenthood

12:44 The challenges of transitioning to having older babies