“On average, authoritative parents spanked just as much as the average of all other parents.  Undoubtedly, some parents can be authoritative without using spanking but we have no evidence that all or even most parents can achieve authoritative parenting without an occasional spank.” 

 

I was fascinated by this statement, since authoritative parenting is the best style.  

 

We know it’s the best, right?

 

I mean, everyone says it is.  Including me.

 

And who was the co-author on this paper this statement comes from?  

 

None other than Dr. Diana Baumrind, creator of the Parenting Styles (although they weren’t called that then; they were originally called the Models of Parental Control.  

 

Just to make sure we’re on the same page here, I’m going to say that again: Dr. Diana Baumrind, who created the parenting styles/model of parental control, says you can’t achieve the parenting style that has the ‘best’ outcomes for children without an occasional spank.

 

So in this episode we dig pretty deeply into what makes up the parenting styles, and what Dr. Baumrind and others found about the effectiveness of these styles, and what impacts they had on children.  (And I have to warn you now, the samples sizes we’re looking at to ‘prove’ that authoritative is the best parenting style are going to make your stomach churn.)

 
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Click the banner to learn more and sign up. Enrollment now open until May 15th, 2024!


 















 
Jump to Highlights
01:33 Introduction to today’s topic

04:05 Influential figures like Dr. Larzelere and Dr. Baumrind supported spanking within authoritative parenting.

16:19 Traditional parenting expects child compliance, emphasizing authority over autonomy, and conformity over individuality.

28:30 Dr. Baumrind's parenting styles theory categorizes parenting into two extremes, neglecting the middle ground of "harmonious parenting." 

38:30 Harmonious parenting emphasizes...

154: Authoritative isn’t the best Parenting “Style”

Jen Lumanlan always thought infancy would be the hardest part of parenting.  Now she has a toddler and finds a whole new set of tools are needed, there are hundreds of books to read, and academic research to uncover that would otherwise never see the light of day.  Join her on her journey to get a Masters in Psychology focusing on Child Development, as she researches topics of interest to parents of toddlers and preschoolers from all angles, and suggests tools parents can use to help kids thrive - and make their own lives a bit easier in the process.  Like Janet Lansbury's respectful approach to parenting?  Appreciate the value of scientific research, but don't have time to read it all? Then you'll love Your Parenting Mojo.  More information and references for each show are at www.YourParentingMojo.com.  Subscribe there and get a free newsletter compiling relevant research on the weeks I don't publish a podcast episode!

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Do you hate punishing (with Time Outs, withdrawing privileges, or even yelling at) your child?

Do you feel guilty after you punish them, wishing there was a way to just get them to listen?

And do bribes ("If you brush your teeth now, you can have 5 minutes of screen time...") feel just as awful?

But what other choice do you have?  Your kids don't listen now, so how could not rewarding and punishing them possibly help?

That's what parent Dr. Houri Parsi thought when I first met her.  (Houri's doctorate is in clinical psychology, focused on behaviorist-based reward and punishment systems.)  She wasn't ready to believe that abandoning the tools she'd been trained in would create a better outcome, when she measured her success as a parent by whether she got immediate compliance from her children.

She ended up not completely abandoning these tools - because they still fit within her vision and values for her family (her vision is a bit different from mine, which is OK!  The important thing is that she is living in alignment with her values!).

But Houri's relationship with her children is profoundly different today than it was a couple of years ago.  Her children have deep insight into their feelings and needs, and most of the time they're able to find ways to meet all of their needs.  She no longer uses her power over them to get their immediate compliance - and that doesn't mean she gets walked all over either.

Houri sees that this approach has built a deep reservoir of trust in their relationship - but occasionally a parent will slip, and will force the children to do something they aren't ready for.  When you hear Houri describe how her daughter punished her husband for forcing an injection before she was ready, you might never look at your own child's misbehavior the same way again.

You'll even find a new way to approach the age-old struggle of tooth brushing in this conversation that gets Houri's childrens' teeth brushed every morning without a fight!

If you'd like to ditch the rewards and punishments (and also know that the teeth will still get brushed!) then I'd love to help you make that happen.

You'll get:
A new module of content every month
Access to an amazing community of supportive parents, in what they've described as "the least judgmental corner of the internet"
I'll answer your questions in the community, via a video, or a 1:1 consult for especially thorny issues (recorded to share with the community; there's a library of these available for you to watch as well)
Group coaching calls where I'll coach you live on your specific challenges (or you can lurk if you prefer...)
ACTion groups: Up to five parents and an experienced peer coach meet weekly to help you plan how you'll achieve your vision
A 20 minute 1:1 call with community manager Denise right after you sign up, so she can direct you to the resources that will help you most!

It's gentle parenting that's also gentle on you (and isn't permissive!).  Enrollment is only open for a few more days, until midnight Pacific on Wednesday May 15.  We have sliding scale pricing and a 100% money back guarantee.

213: How to stop using power over your child (and still get things done)

Here's a little thought exercise: think back to what you were doing this time last year, right around Mother's Day (in the U.S...I know it has already passed in other places!).

What kinds of things were your children doing that were really endearing?

What kinds of things were they doing that drove you up the wall?

What kinds of fights (resistance, back-talk, stalling, tantrums, etc.) were you having with them a year ago?

Are you still having those same fights now (or variations on them)?

Do you wish you weren't still having those fights? That you could get out of the endless cycle of trying an idea you saw on Instagram, seeing a small change, and backsliding to where you were before?

Do you have all the tools you need so that a year from now you can look back and know, without any shadow of a doubt, that things are different now?

Today I'm going to introduce you to several parents who have made exactly this shift, and a framework you can use to make it for yourself.

It's not complicated. There are only five elements to it, and when they're all in place you can make sustainable change in parenting, as well as your own personal issues, work, and anything else you like.

It really is very possible to make sustainable change in parenting happen by yourself. But all of the five elements have to be in place, and operating consistently, to make it work.

Losing focus on each one of the elements creates a different outcome, none of which are good:
Confusion
Anxiety
Making slow progress
Frustration
Being on a treadmill
If you can see already that one or more of these things are happening for you, the Parenting Membership will help you make the kind of sustainable change you want to see in your family.

The first thing you'll do after you join is have a 20-minute private call with my community manager, Denise, who will see which element you're struggling with the most right now, and connect you to specific resources to help.

Many of the parents who signed up this time last year are now in an entirely different place. Things like this are happening:
Their preschoolers can use a picture-based list to accurately identify their own feelings and needs;
Parents are recognizing how their own actions are creating shame in their children, and are working to address this;
Parents see which parts of their co-parenting struggles are theirs to own, instead of blaming their difficulties on their co-parents;
They can also see which parts are not theirs to own, make requests to get their needs met, and practice accepting their co-parent for who they are;
Siblings are fighting less, because they understand each other's needs and can find strategies to meet both of their needs.

Of course these parents still have hard days...but none of them looks back on who they were a year ago and thinks: "Aside from the fact that my kids are older, I don't really know what's different now from what it was a year ago."

I want this kind of sustainable change for you, too. It's so much more than taking a short course to learn a new skill. It's a fundamentally different way of being in the world.

Enrollment for the Parenting Membership is open right now, but only until midnight Pacific on Wednesday May 15th.

212: How to make the sustainable change you want to see in your family

Are there parts of yourself that you don't share with other people?

Things that you think: "If people knew that about me, they wouldn't love me / they'd think I'm a terrible person / they wouldn't even want to be around me"?

When you mess up, does it seem like it's not that you did a silly/bad thing, but that you are a stupid/bad person?

If your answer to any of these questions is "yes," then you're experiencing shame.

Almost all of the parents I work with are ashamed of some aspect of themselves...but not Dee.

That's not to say that Dee never struggles - far from it.  But her struggles seem to feel more manageable to her, and she has a sense of 'right'-ness about her.  

If Dee recognizes that she has a need, it never occurs to her to not ask for help from others in getting that need met.

How did this happen?  What implications does it have for how we can raise our children so they don't experience shame?

In this episode, Dee shares her story and her top three ideas for raising children in a shame-free environment with us.

If you realize that shame has been a huge part of your childhood (and even adulthood) and you're ready for help healing that so you can be the kind of parent you want to be, I do hope you'll join me (and Dee!) in the Parenting Membership.

We don't just learn how to make parenting easier (although that is a big focus!).  We also work to heal ourselves so we can show up as whole people in our own lives.

Enrollment opens in just a few days, on Wednesday May 5th - click here to learn more about the membership: https://yourparentingmojo.com/parentingmembership/

If you want to get a taste of how coaching in the membership works, I'd love for you to join me in the FREE Setting Loving (and Effective!) Limits masterclass from 10-11:30am Pacific on Thursday May 2nd.  

It's almost like getting the insight and tools from the 8-day Setting Limits workshop that wraps up this week in one 90 minute masterclass.  

I hope to see you there (we will have prizes...) - maybe I'll even get to coach you live!  Click the link to sign up: https://yourparentingmojo.com/settinglimitsmasterclass/

211: How to raise a child who doesn’t experience shame

Do you have a core group of parent friends who are always there for you? Friends who might not be 100% aligned with your parenting philosophy, but they're close enough that you know that when they do offer suggestions you would at least consider doing them?

And on the days when you just want to just vent and not hear any advice at all, you know that it'll be totally fine for you to vent. They won't take offense and they'll just empathize and reassure you that you aren't a terrible parent; you're a great parent having a difficult day - because they've seen you on your good days as well.

In this episode I'll introduce you to SIX parents who have just this kind of relationship. Katherine, Rachel, Beth, Peju, and Kati live in the eastern United States and Jody is Australia, and they meet once a week on Zoom for 40 minutes, and each of them talks for just five minutes...and in that time, they've become incredibly close friends. The relationships they have with each other are among the deepest and most profound ones in their lives.

If you need a supportive community like this in your life then I'd love to see you in the Parenting Membership, which is where Katherine, Rachel, Beth, Peju, Kati, and Jody met. Enrollment opens very soon, between May 5-15.

And if you'd like to get just a little taste for how the membership works then I'd love to see you in the Setting Loving (and Effective!) Limits workshop.

You can take the FlexPath option anytime for just $7, or join me for the FREE Guided Path option where you'll get one module of content every day for eight days starting this Wednesday April 24th.

You'll meet an awesome community of parents whose approach to parenting is aligned with yours, and you can add five group coaching calls with me for just $37, which is the cheapest rate you'll find parenting coaching anywhere. We'll start to develop the same kind of community that you'll hear about in this episode.

210: The power of learning in community

Do you ever fight with your partner?

Do you ever fight with your partner about parenting?

(Pretty much all of the couples I work with do both of those things.)

And these arguments tend to follow a pretty well-defined formula:

Child misbehaves.
Parent A gets overwhelmed, criticizes the child and snaps at Partner B for not doing more to help.
Parent B and says that clearly Parent A's 'better parenting approach' isn't working, since the kids are still misbehaving - this is contempt.
Parent A knows they don't want to parent the way they were raised, and also knows they aren't doing things totally in alignment with their values right now.  Parent A has done a lot of work to try to heal themselves, but worries that it isn't happening fast enough to protect their children.  And isn't it better than the bribing and punishing that Parent B is doing?  They're being defensive.
Parent B stonewalls - they are overwhelmed and shuts down, refusing to talk about the issue.
Both partners walk away feeling frustrated, wonder how on earth it got to this point, and feel hopeless that it will ever improve.

If your fights look like this, I'm here to let you know that there is hope!  

Last year I did Levels 1 and 2 (of 3 levels) of Gottman Method training.  The Gottman Method is basically the only evidence-based framework for couple's therapy.

Drs. John and Julie Gottman describe the main ways they see couples struggle in their communication, and named them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - you saw all of them in the example above.  

How many of the Horsemen show up in your fights?

(Criticism is almost always the first Horseman to arrive.  Interrupt that, and you can communicate in entirely different ways.)

If you wish there was a better way to communicate about these challenging issues with your partner so you could actually get on the same page and parent as a team, today's episode will show you how to do that.  

You'll see a couple, Dee and Jono, who usually walk away from each other in frustration after they discuss their roles in the family.  

In this conversation they use very different tools.  We didn't completely resolve the issue, but they kept going with the conversation by themselves and gave me permission to also share Dee's report of what happened after the call - which was really magical!

Learn more about how you can avoid using The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and what tools to use instead so you can actually discuss these kinds of difficult topics with your partner.

It's really hard to learn these kinds of communication skills on your own.  I'd actually read one of the Gottmans' books but didn't really see how to apply the ideas in my own relationship until I did their four-day training.

During the training I realized that they use basically the same set of tools I use to help parents with their children's behavior, but with a couple of key weaknesses.  So I recruited couples from the Parenting Membership and created a series of demo videos so you can learn the skills and see couples practicing them.

There are cheat sheets, starter scripts, and quizzes to help you identify the Four Horsemen in real couples' arguments.

Couples who have used these tools report not just that they're able to address their disagreements more easily, but they're having fewer squabbles in the first place because things just seem to 'flow' in a way they hadn't before.

I'll coach you (live!) on how to use the tools with your own partner in the Parenting Membership.  Enrollment is open between May 5th-15th.

154: Authoritative isn’t the best Parenting “Style”

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