Roles.  We all have them.  We all play them.

Some are "identity roles."  They identify us in the role.  For example, I am "son," "father," "brother," "husband."

Some are "function roles."  They identify what we do.  For example, I am "coach," "therapist," "author," "speaker,"  and "podcaster" (among others).  They tell you what I do, what role I play in life.

Then there are "attribution roles."  They try to describe why we do something.

And it is in the arena of attribution roles that I want to focus some attention.  Because those attributions, both on ourselves and others, can serve to keep us stuck.  And keep others stuck in the roles we attribute to them.

Two very toxic roles are the roles of Enemy and Victim.

To be clear, there is a difference between being a victim of some circumstance and playing the role of Victim.

And to be crystal clear, no matter what has happened in your marriage to this point, you are NOT Enemies.  That is a role that you may assign.  But it will keep you stuck.

Listen in to this podcast episode for more on avoiding these roles... and what to do, instead.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Being On The Same Team
How To Be A WE
Dealing With Anger
Showing Up
Save The Marriage System

Enemies, Victims, or….

Learn how to save your marriage and improve your relationship.  Stop your divorce and restore a loving relationship.  Join Dr. Lee H. Baucom for this impactful podcast that can save your marriage.

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You hit the Pause Button on your marriage.  I get it.  You didn't realize you were doing it, and didn't know it was a problem.  You just thought you were dealing with life -- the kids, a career, activities... life.

But while you didn't know it was a problem, it is.  In fact, it is the big reason that marriages get into trouble.  Yes, there are lots of symptoms of the problem.  The underlying problem, though, is disconnection... from hitting the Pause.

Relationships don't go into suspended animation, just awaiting re-animation.  Nope, they are either growing or receding.  And a paused relationship is receding.

Then, suddenly, you realize there is a problem.  It was brewing for awhile.  But since you were disconnected, you missed the signs.  Until it was a crisis.

And then, you go from Pause Button to Panic Button.

Now, you have to deal with both the paused marriage and the panic problem.  You have to find a way to heal the disconnection AND deal with the crisis.

How do you do it?

We talk about it on this week's episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  You can listen below.

 

RELATED RESOURCES
Why Pause Is A Problem
The 7 Stages of Disconnection
Healing Disconnection
Save The Marriage System

From Pause Button to Panic Button

Yes, this is the #1 thing people request in therapy. And no, fixing it will not fix your marriage.

This is part rant, part warning, and part explanation.  Because, communication skills has somehow become a central tenet of hurting marriages.  So, therapists teach them, clients request them, and marriages just don't get better.

When I was in training, this somehow became the default approach, even after all the theory and explanations of problems in a marriage.  Lots of very convoluted, confusing theories were proposed, and then, the treatment?

Teach communication skills!

Which is probably why marriage therapy has such abysmal results.  When you look at the actual research, 50% of marriages that seek therapy still end up divorced.  Pretty much the overall national average for any marriage.  And only 10 to 15% of couples report any improvement.  Let me say that again:  any improvement.

Why?  Well there are multiple issues (I discuss them right here) behind this.  But a big reason is this emphasis on communication skills.  And yet, when I am meeting with a couple, almost always, I understand everything they are saying.  And they seem to understand each other!  That is not the issue.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you why this isn't going to save your marriage, and how to make a shift to what can.

Listen below!

 

RELATED RESOURCES:
Podcast:  3 Problems with Therapy
Substack:  The Connection Compass
Program:  The Save The Marriage System

No, this will NOT fix your marriage! (but it’s the #1 request in therapy)

For awhile, I have been answering listener-submitted questions, and continue to do so in this episode (if YOU want to ask a question, send it to podcast@savethemarriage.com).

This week, I respond to a couple of questions about a spouse's indifference and/or resistance to attempts at connection.

It can be frustrating when you so desperately want to rebuild a marriage.  Maybe your spouse claims to want the same.  Maybe your spouse just doesn't respond much at all.  A little conversation... that goes nowhere.  Or attempts at conversation... that go nowhere.  It can feel frustrating and defeating.

How should you understand the situation?

What can you do about it?

Can you make progress?

We discuss these questions (and more) in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
3 Step Process
3 C's of Doing It
Importance of Connection
When Spouse Can't See A Way
Resentment and Anger
Save The Marriage System
The Connection Compass 

Dealing With an Indifferent Spouse

Where could your efforts fail?

Those are the failpoints. They can trip you up and make you think nothing will work in your efforts.

But let me be clear.  They are potential failpoints. They are not inevitable.

Failpoints, in engineering, is caused by stress on a particular point. In machines, a particular piece is stressed long enough that it finally gives. It breaks.

In marriage, there are also potential failpoints -- caused by stressors on different points in the relationship.

In this episode, I cover the three big failpoints that you face in your efforts... along with me talking about how to avoid the failpoints.

 

RELATED RESOURCES
My new resource, The Connection Compass
My Save The Marriage System
Podcast episode: 3 Reasons Your Efforts May Fail
Podcast Episode: 4 Failing Fears

 

3 Failpoints You Face

When I started this podcast over 10 years ago, I wondered how far we would go. Well, here we are on episode 500, with over 5.25 million downloads to far. And at the same time, I celebrate 58 years on earth. A couple of milestones I wanted to mark, for sure!

Which raises the question from a listener, on what I have learned in life. I’ll share 5 big things I’ve learned in my trips around the sun.

But before I get there, I thought I'd tell you how I got here:  500 episodes of the podcast, a number of books and online courses, and lots of coaching.  How did I end up in this world, in this profession?

And why do I keep at it?  I have long said that my job was to put myself out of business.  It won't happen.  But that is always my goal.  Until then, I'll keep showing up to help people build better marriages and have better lives.

Thank YOU for being part of this journey!

 

RELATED RESOURCES:
My Save The Marriage System
My New Training Resource, The Connection Compass
My Books
The Husband Bootcamp
The Field Guide To Marriage

Enemies, Victims, or….

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