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When you change who you are within a family system, and you no longer play the role you were born into, you're taking a mirror and holding it up to everybody in that system. Holding up this mirror forces them to see themselves outside of their role, outside of their false self. It reflects a more realistic view of themselves. This view is challenging for them to see within themselves, as it takes them out of their role within the family system, and they can't see themselves outside of their role, it's too painful. The system is there to support the image of their false self and mask inadequate feelings, and they will hold to it with dear life. They feel they can live without, while not even knowing it.
Instead of embracing the change that you're making within yourself so that you can live a more authentic life, they do not support you; they judge and commend you for forcing them to look at themselves.
It's hard enough figuring out who you are outside of the family system, and it is ridiculously painful when you have a constant judgment from the people around you who fight your change with verbal and non-verbal judgment.
When leaving the family system, there will be a strong obligation felt within to stay loyal to the people within the family system and to the system itself. This obligation will show itself as guilt, shame, and self-hatred. It is not your job to become someone you are not to make others feel better about themselves, to heal their shame, or patch the hole in their soul. You can not be there for anyone else until you are there for yourself first.
Don't let the judgment of others keep you from living the life you deserve.

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EP 0011 - Leaving The Family System

Joe’s Realness And Raw Vulnerability Take You To Places You Didn’t Even Know You Had Inside You. Joe Cuts To The Heart Of What People Grapple With As Survivors Of Abuse, Neglect, And Trauma. With Heartfelt Clarity, He Encourages The Listener To Take Personal Responsibility While Moving Forward Into A Life Of Courageous Authenticity.

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Anger and hate are both related to unmet needs. When we feel angry, it's because we want something that we're not getting. And when we feel hate, it's because we have deep needs that are not being met, and we're struggling to deal with them. Self-hate is a common problem that many people face, and it can be very hard to overcome. We often hate ourselves because we feel helpless and stuck and don't know how to do things differently. This can be especially challenging if we've been raised in an environment where we were not encouraged to be independent or take care of our needs. 


To overcome self-hate, it's important to figure out our needs and start taking steps to meet them. This can be difficult, especially if we've never learned how to do this before. Shifting our focus from hating ourselves to feeling angry at those who have hurt us is helpful. This can be a useful step in the healing process, but it's important not to get stuck in feelings of anger and hate towards others. Ultimately, we must work on understanding ourselves and taking responsibility for our well-being. 


This can be a challenging process, and it may involve making difficult decisions, such as cutting people out of our lives or disappointing others. However, it's important to remember that we are responsible for our happiness and well-being. We must learn how to meet our needs and stop depending on others for validation and support. This can be a lonely process sometimes, but staying committed to our growth and healing is important.

EP 0083 - Anger Is About A Want

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If you grew up in a family system that was shame-based, you may feel weighed down by shame. Shame shields us from pain and neglect, but it's also a burden. Shame-based family systems are harsh and judgmental. As a child, you were exposed to criticism and verbal attacks because people didn't do things the way your family did. 

When you're shame-based, you need to surround yourself with people who share your views. This can cause you to judge yourself harshly. Shame wants to stay hidden. We fear being judged, so we try to be perfect. Perfectionism often stems from shame. We feel like we're being scrutinized, like a celebrity without the fame. 

We are usually our harshest critics. As children, we internalize the negative feedback we hear and try to fit into a box that doesn't feel right. We may develop self-hatred for not being like everyone else in our family. We try to conform to an ideal painted for us instead of living our own lives. 

Some people live their entire lives not realizing they're living a lie. They've bought into the system and think they're defective, broken, or unhappy. But the truth is, being authentic is more important than fitting into someone else's mold.

EP 0082 - Shame and Self Judgment

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Many of us are emotionally stuck at a point where we feel that our self-worth is completely dependent on our mother's love and acceptance. This can lead to a deep wound when we don't receive the love and validation we need in the way we need it. In order to move forward and heal, it's important to reach a point in our recovery where our mother's opinion of us no longer has a hold on our sense of self-worth. We must learn to validate ourselves from within, and find the strength to recognize our own worth regardless of outside approval or disapproval. It's a difficult journey, but one that can lead to a life of greater self-love and acceptance. 


Have you ever had a moment that felt like a key turning in a lock, opening doors to rooms within yourself you didn't know existed? That's what Joe Ryan's latest podcast episode feels like—a raw, unfiltered journey into the heart of personal transformation.


Joe doesn't hold back as he recounts his struggle with self-hate and shame, emotions that many of us grapple with but few have the courage to confront head-on. He speaks of the burdens we carry, the secrets we keep from ourselves, and the exhausting act of maintaining a façade for the world.


But then comes the light bulb moment—a realization so profound that it changes everything. For Joe, it was acknowledging his neediness, a trait he had shamed himself for, which stemmed from his childhood. This acknowledgment wasn't just an act of understanding; it was an act of liberation.


Throughout the episode, Joe takes us through the ups and downs of his emotional journey. He talks about the heaviness that comes with emotional baggage and the lightness that follows when you start to let go. It's a process, he says, not a destination. But the work is worth it because, on the other side of that pain and shame, is freedom.


Joe's story is one of self-forgiveness and the power of self-awareness. It's about breaking the chains of the past and finding the courage to face our inner demons. He shares his process, the painful yet necessary steps to peel back the layers of hurt, and the healing that follows.


This episode is a call to anyone who's felt stuck, weighed down by their emotions, or lost in the maze of their mind. It's for those who've ever felt the need to hide their true selves or who've wondered if there's more to life than the roles they've been playing.


Joe's narrative is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. It reminds us that no matter how deep the wounds, healing is possible. It's a story of coming home to oneself, of building a life not on the expectations of others but on the foundation of self-acceptance and love.



EP 0081 - The Mother Wound

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Have you ever had a moment that felt like a key turning in a lock, opening doors to rooms within yourself you didn't know existed? That's what Joe Ryan's latest podcast episode feels like—a raw, unfiltered journey into the heart of personal transformation.


Joe doesn't hold back as he recounts his struggle with self-hate and shame, emotions that many of us grapple with but few dare to confront head-on. He speaks of the burdens we carry, the secrets we keep from ourselves, and the exhausting act of maintaining a façade for the world.


But then comes the light bulb moment—a profound realization that changes everything. For Joe, it was acknowledging his neediness, a trait he had shamed himself for, which stemmed from his childhood. This acknowledgment wasn't just an act of understanding; it was an act of liberation.


Throughout the episode, Joe takes us through the ups and downs of his emotional journey. He talks about the heaviness of emotional baggage and the lightness that follows when you start to let go. It's a process, he says, not a destination. But the work is worth it because freedom is on the other side of that pain and shame.


Joe's story is one of self-forgiveness and the power of self-awareness. It's about breaking the chains of the past and finding the courage to face our inner demons. He shares his process, the painful yet necessary steps to peel back the layers of hurt, and the healing that follows.


This episode is a call to anyone who's felt stuck, weighed down by their emotions, or lost in the maze of their mind. It's for those who've ever felt the need to hide their true selves or who've wondered if there's more to life than the roles they've been playing.


Joe's narrative is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. It reminds us that healing is possible no matter how deep the wounds. It's a story of coming home to oneself, of building a life not on the expectations of others but on the foundation of self-acceptance and love.


So, if you're ready for an episode that will challenge you, move you, and ultimately inspire you to embark on your own journey of self-discovery, listen to Joe Ryan's latest podcast. It might just be the key you've been searching for.



EP 0080 - The Needy Inner Child

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The terrible two in children is a vital step in their emotional development. It is a psychological birth that starts separation and independence from caregivers. 


At this stage, the child goes from helpless dependent to more of an independent role as the child starts to realize that they are not one but separate from their caregivers.


Allowing a child to separate, become more independent, and figure out who they are is one of the most important gifts a parent can give a child. 


Most parents do not allow a child to separate. The child is now limited by what the parent will allow. They learn that independence is not permitted, and the child stays emotionally bonded to the parent just as they were in infancy. The child will run all thoughts, emotions, and actions through the ‘parent filter.’ They never learn to make their own decisions, find confidence in themselves, and never grow up or leave home emotionally. 


As the child grows into an adult, they are emotionally stuck at this development stage and need the approval of their parents and everyone with whom they have relationships throughout their life. 


The internal fears of abandonment turn them into codependent people pleasers who are on an endless quest to find someone, anyone, to permit them to be themselves. 


In this Episode:

 Letting kids grow up and not expecting them to take care of your emotional needs!
 What happens when parents sabotage their children's successes or independence because of their “unlived” lives?


 Going from being needed all the time to essentially not being needed at all
 Letting kids be and not trying to shame them into things you want them to do
 How the “good parent”, especially in divorce, will always get the short end of the stick
 Avoid feeling betrayed by our child's independence and lack of need for us.



This episode covers the why’s of what people do to combat this initial behavior and the irreparable damage it can cause to a child.
The terrible twos are also linked to a teenager's later years of struggling for that greater need for independence. How are they
connected, and what are the ramifications? What is the impact for both the child and the parent(s), and how does all of this impact all
involved? This episode reminds us that children can’t be there for your benefit or to fill the holes we have in our souls! It’s
not healthy for them, and it’s not healthy for us!

EP 0011 - Leaving The Family System

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