Intimacy, Individuality, and Breaking the Trauma Cycle with Terry Real

06.06.2022 - By Rick Hanson, Ph.D., Forrest Hanson Play

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On one of our favorite episodes of Being Well, Dr. Rick and Forrest Hanson are joined by author and therapist Terry Real to talk about how to overcome the myth of toxic individualism, break trauma cycles, and experience real intimacy in our relationships.

They discuss how to balance acceptance and agency, develop a healthy sense of trust and self-esteem, communicate what we want effectively, and experience our power through collaboration rather than dominance. Terry describes how we can move past the delusions of toxic individualism and patriarchy that plague our culture, moving away from ‘me vs. you’ and into Us.

About our Guest: Terrence Real is an internationally recognized family therapist, speaker, and bestselling author. He is the founder of the Relational Life Institute, which offers workshops for couples as well as professional training for clinicians in his Relational Life Therapy (RLT) methodology. His latest book is Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship which comes out June 7th.

Watch the Episode: Prefer watching video? You can watch this episode on YouTube.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

1:45: Terry’s personal transformation

4:55: Regulating up to our parents

7:05: The Adaptive Child vs. the Wise Adult

14:25: Us vs. the delusions of individualism and patriarchy

18:05: Balancing acceptance and agency

22:45: Enlightened self-interest and working with couples

29:25: Three phases to get more of what you want in relationships without a counselor

33:35: How to support people–particularly women–in dealing with unfairness

37:15: Gendered tendencies–moving into intimacy and out of patriarchy

43:20: Shame and healthy self-esteem

49:40: Relational reckoning and relational integrity

56:55: Repairing trust and grandiosity

1:01:00: Recap

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