 I can barely hold in my excitement!   We have a three-day live event where I will teach a new course called Overcoming Depression.           I have had all of this passion show up in my body after seeing loved ones and clients struggle and after you guys repeatedly asking for a course on depression.     Our new online course called Overcoming Depression is finally here.    I will record it live on March 11th, 18th and 25th from 9:00 a.m. to 10:30 a.m.    If you are interested, please join me, and I will teach you LIVE, and you can ask all your questions.   NOTE: This course will not be considered therapy. Just like all of our courses, it will be educational.    Overcoming Depression will be me teaching you the skills I teach my clients when it comes to Psychoeducation and strategies and tools to overcome depression.      Head over to CBTSCHOOLcom/depression to sign up!     I am so excited to have you guys join me live.     Ask your questions in the question box.      We will tackle not only your negative thinking but also   your behaviors     your motivation     Self-compassion     Long-term recovery techniques               I'm so excited and hope to see you there. SIGN UP at CBTschool.com/depression 

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The Five Things You Need to Know About Health Anxiety (and How to Recover From It) | Ep. 389

Today, we’re going to go through the six reasons you procrastinate so that you can make a plan and hopefully end that procrastination so you can get back to doing the things you want to do.  Recognizing the reasons why you procrastinate is so important. I want to make sure I cover one key point before we get into the six reasons, and that is: you’re not lazy, and you’re not faulty. It’s not a bad personality trait that you procrastinate. I want to dispel that myth right out of the gate so that we can beat the self-criticism, the self-judgment, and the self-punishment that you may be doing or have done in the past. The fact that you procrastinate does not mean that there’s anything wrong with you. You’re not broken.  We engage in these patterns and safety behaviors to manage distress in our bodies. Procrastination is an avoidant behavior to avoid having to be uncomfortable and to work through the deep stuff that’s going on in our brain, mind, and body. First, I wanted to review that this is not your fault. You’re not bad because you do this. I’m even going to reframe a couple of those things here.  A PERSPECTIVE SHIFT ON PROCRASTINATION As we talk about why you procrastinate, I want to tell you a story that changed my thoughts about procrastination. As an intern, I had a supervisor when I first became a therapist who supervised us and all our cases. A lot of the interns were talking about how we were so behind on all of our research and our study. We had all these tests, we had all these assignments, and we had to see clients. She questioned us by saying, “Procrastination isn’t necessarily a problem. First, you’ve got to look at the function of procrastination.” She said that if procrastination is working for you and it means you get the work done, you complete it in time, and you’re happy with the product you’ve created, procrastination isn’t a problem. In our society, we tell ourselves that we should be organized and calm when handing in the assignment instead of pressing the button right at the very last minute or sliding into work right as we should start.  Now, she said, if it’s working for you, go ahead and keep doing it. But so many of you, particularly those with anxiety, say, “No, Kimberley, that’s not the case. It is not working for me.” If that’s the case for you, let’s first look at the effects of procrastination. Suppose you are somebody who has an extreme amount of anxiety when you procrastinate, and it’s coming from a place of anxiety. In that case, it increases your panic and stress at the last minute, and you melt down. Then, this is why we want to explore the causes and why you procrastinate so that we can come up with a solution and a strategy that does help you.  The Six Reasons We Procrastinate  Fear of Failure  This is true for many people because we fear making mistakes. Our society has become allergic to making mistakes and failures. So we create such a story in our heads about how it’s going to be so bad if we fail, and it’s going to be so bad if it doesn’t go right, and how we are going to look stupid and how we are going to feel terrible. But much of that comes from this entrenched belief that we are not supposed to fail. I took a whole year and practiced failing for an entire year. I tried to fail a hundred times, which completely changed my thinking about failure in everything I do. I got good at things because I failed repeatedly and changed how I looked at failure.  Now, I understand that we are expected to perform at such a high level in today's society. But what I want to have you do is act from the place of a B-. What I mean by that is, instead of going for an A+ all the time, try a B-. You will find that if you just drop the bar and let it be imperfect, you’ll have so much less anxiety. It is much easier to practice being gentle and kind to yourself when you mess up or fail. I’ve had so many patients and students tell me, “Failing is not the problem; it’s the beat-up I give myself when I fail that I do not want to do and do not want to experience. That’s why I avoid it. I don’t want to beat myself up if I fail.” We want to make sure we change the way we look at failure.  Not Wanting to Be Uncomfortable  This could cover all of these categories because all of the reasons we procrastinate are ultimately just trying to avoid discomfort. So often, I procrastinate while recording this episode of Your Anxiety Toolkit, or I avoid and procrastinate while working out. It’s not because I don’t want to do those things. I love making these videos and exercising, but what I do is avoid the uncomfortable feeling that I have. Ultimately, I’m avoiding the hard work stage of any product or anything we do.  So many positive things in our lives that fulfill us require hard work. Nobody likes hard work. It’s not that fun. It’s uncomfortable. As a human species, or any species, we love to avoid discomfort. We do what we can to cut corners, and procrastination is one of those things. Often, we’re scrolling on Instagram or checking our email to avoid having to propel ourselves into doing the hard thing.  The tip is to break things down into small, manageable, tiny, doable steps and open up our willingness to allow for some discomfort. Willingness is a mindfulness skill that will help you so much in your anxiety recovery. I talk about it a lot here on Your Anxiety Toolkit because it is crucial for the management of anxiety. The more we’re willing to lean in, be open, and release the tension we hold from feeling discomfort, the more we get to embrace that discomfort, overcome that discomfort, and, in many cases, recover from anxiety. Willingness will be necessary regarding the discomfort we feel from doing the hard, scary thing.  Perfectionism  Perfectionism is so similar to the fear of failure. Perfectionism is all through our society. We are told that we have to be perfect, that we have to do it perfectly, and that we can’t make those mistakes. I want to offer you here that if you struggle with perfectionism, we want to adopt the B- mentality. We want to adopt kindness. We also want to pause and acknowledge how our society has created this because the truth is human beings are inherently imperfect. It is impossible to be perfect, yet we’re striving for it. We’re so committed to it as if it’s a reality, and it’s not. We won’t be perfect. Even if you achieve a perfect score on a test, you’ll still have to look in the eye for imperfections three minutes later. We will have to see the other things we’re not perfect at. It’s essential to see that. If your goal is perfection, you’re chaining yourself to having consistent anxiety.  When I was suffering from an eating disorder, I was constantly going for perfection with my body, with my diet, and with my exercise. That kept me stuck, and even when I did get to this “perfect goal,” I had anxiety about maintaining the perfect goal. Even once I achieved it, anxiety was still there. Anxiety was still running the show, and I was in panic mode all the time, either trying to be perfect or fearing that I’d lose this idea of perfection, which I never had anyway. But again, it’s all something like a construct in our brain that keeps us stuck and anxious. It’s essential to understand how that impacts us and the fact that we will never be perfect.  Thank God, I love imperfect people. I find it hard to befriend these “close to perfect” people. I don’t relate to them, and I don’t feel safe with them. I actually sometimes feel uncomfortable around them. You probably think the same way, but I feel so much better when I’m with real people who are comfortable or willing to admit their imperfections, share their imperfections, and connect with our humanness together when we settle into that imperfection.   Feelings of Overwhelm  If you have anxiety, yes, overwhelm is a thing. I think of being  overwhelmed like there are papers, things, and phones swirling around in my head. All I want in that moment is just a moment of inner peace and outer peace, where I want everything to slow down and stop so I can catch up in my mind. However, that’s probably not going to happen.  There often needs to be a physical way to get everything clear when we have a deadline or something we must do. The only thing I have found helpful with this is to simply write down the steps I need to take and how I will do them. That is the only thing. But at the end of the day, similar to the discomforts, a lot of the work we have to do with overwhelm is to be willing to feel it, slow down, and identify catastrophization. When we catastrophize, we increase our feelings of overwhelm, and that’s a cognitive error we engage in. If you catastrophize a lot, you’ll probably feel overwhelmed frequently. That’s just the way that it goes, unfortunately. We want to create a system where you have something to do that you can break down into small steps. I’m visual, so I like to draw, write circles around it, and put numbers one and two. If you’ve been following me here on Your Anxiety Toolkit, I want a step-by-step process. I like the five reasons for this so that I can comprehend it in my mind. If you need that, lean into it and use it to help you create small baby steps.  Another thing to do here is to breathe. When we’re overwhelmed, we often stop breathing. When overwhelmed, we often clench and hold all this tension in our brain and body. Our main goal here is to slow it down. You’re still going to be uncomfortable. You’re still going to be anxious. You will still be overwhelmed. But can you reduce the problematic response to that? Remember, we can’t control our experience and how it shows up, but we can control how we respond to it. We can control how we react to it. We don’t want to clench as much as we can. Again, we’re going to move slowly into the activity over time. Set some time limits. Maybe you do it for 10 minutes. There are so many Pomodoro apps that you can set a timer for three minutes and say, “I’m just going to do this for three minutes, then I’m going to take a break.” Do some breathing. But you’re moving in small, baby steps.  Lack of Motivation  If you’re someone who suffers from depression or you’re just not very motivated today, that’s another reason it’s difficult to launch yourself into something. An essential tool to remember when it comes to motivation is that we often rely on motivation to get us started, and that’s fine. That’s actually helpful if we have it. However, we want to flip the script on motivation. If you lack motivation, the only thing that’s going to generate motivation is to get moving. I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably thinking, ‘Yeah, but if I had motivation, I could get going. So I just need motivation to get going.” But I’m here to say no. Sometimes, you just need to go back to creating small baby steps. Once you start, you start having positive feelings about yourself. You begin to have positive feelings about what you’ve generated. And that is what creates motivation. Again, tiny baby steps. That is a very encouraging mindset.  Try to be your inner bestie. Encourage yourself. “You’ve got this. You can do it.” “I believe in you. Just a little more.” “Just get started. I know you can.” You’ll feel so much better when you do. Just keep talking to yourself, coaching yourself, and embracing yourself with that motivational best friend voice that encourages you. That can be very beneficial, as you’re doing this daunting thing that you really don’t want to do.   Poor Time Management  This is one of the most important, especially if you have something that has a deadline. If you don’t have  time management skills and aren’t good at really understanding how long the activity will take, you’re probably going to procrastinate and miss the deadline. We talk all about this in our online course called Time Management for Optimum Mental Health. We actually sit down and, step by step, plan your day. Not compulsively, but what we do is actually plan pleasure first. That’s the first thing we put on the schedule.  One of the main reasons people procrastinate is that they want pleasure. We want to feel good. We want to have great, fun things in our lives. So we spend a lot of time going back and forth, “I have to do this assignment, but I want to relax. But I have to do this assignment.” Because we haven’t planned our time and scheduled pleasure, we end up negotiating and spending a lot of our time going back and forth.  You plan and schedule your pleasure first so that you know you’ve given yourself what you need. And then you’re so much more likely to do the hard thing because you’ve already promised yourself and followed through that you would do the pleasurable thing so that you can get that more challenging thing done. In addition, you might want to be someone who schedules pleasure, hard, pleasure, hard, pleasure, hard, and gives yourself lots of breaks where you have lots of pleasure and things that bring you fulfillment and joy as you do this hard thing. I often do this with household chores. As I’m doing the hard thing, I’m listening to a podcast that I like. I’ve planned that. For example, I know that there’s a podcast that comes out on Friday, Your Anxiety Toolkit. On Saturday morning, when I know I have to do the laundry and fold the laundry, which I hate doing and often procrastinate with, I go, “Okay, Saturday morning when I want to listen to that podcast, I’m going to marry the positive and that difficult together.” Time management is so important. If you’re interested in taking the Time Management course, it is a deal. It is reasonably priced for something that will help you run your week and your day much more easily. You can go to CBT School or click the link in the show notes to get access to that course.  Those are the six reasons we procrastinate. I hope that this has helped you identify where you’re getting into trouble so that you can make changes and get your life going so that you don’t have to panic and be stuck in that absolute last-minute frantic panic. You can just schedule your time, break it into small steps, be as gentle and kind and motivating and encouraging as you can, and get the things you want done so that you can go and live your life.  Don’t forget, as I always say, today is a beautiful day to do hard things. I want you to remember that none of this is easy breezy. I never want to make it sound like it’s easy breezy. It’s hard work, but we must remind ourselves that hard work is a part of being human. It is a beautiful day to do hard things. I don’t want you to buy into society’s idea that life should be easy. “This should be easy for you. What’s wrong with you?” Nothing’s wrong with you. It’s hard. No one wants to do hard things, but you can do those hard things.  I hope you have a wonderful day. I’ll see you in the next episode.

The Six Reasons You Procrastinate | Ep. 388

I have a new best friend just for you.  I know that might sound a little strange, so hang with me here because this was mind-blowing to me, and I hope it is for you as well.  Let's talk about best friends. What does a good best friend look like?  It will be different for everybody, but generally, the way I see a best friend is that they're fun to be with. They're interested in fun things or things that you're interested in. They are there for you. They show up for you. They celebrate your birthday. They want to know how you're doing. They have a genuine interest in you. They're willing to pour into you. But in addition to that, they are also there for you when things get crappy.  It's so important because sometimes we feel vulnerable when sharing with people. But when we do share and are vulnerable, we can be held, and some space is created. There's this beautiful relationship where you share how you're doing, and they hold space for that. They encourage you. They ask how they can support you. Maybe they can give you some helpful advice. They're there for you when things are really hard. When you start to be hard on yourself, they pull you up.     THE BENEFITS OF BEST FRIENDS Best friends can also be brutally honest but in the most beautiful way.  I have two best friends. One is my husband, and one is a friend who lives quite a distance away. It's all via technology—voice chat, FaceTime, phone calls, and so forth. My best friends, not only do they support me, not only are they kind and lovely, but they also do call me out on my crap. They often say, "I don't think you've thought about this one well enough," or "Kimberley, I think you're going a little too urgent here. I think that your anxiety might be getting in the way." Or "Kimberley, have you taken care of yourself today? I'm noticing you mentioned you haven't been getting a lot of sleep. Could that be why this is hard for you?" Best friends aren't just all flowers and roses. They are honest and real. They're there for you when things aren't going well, but they champion you too. They believe in you like nobody else. When you're at your lowest, best friends will be like, "You could do totally that." Or if you're beating yourself up for not being good enough, they're like, "Oh my god, are you kidding me? Look at all the things that you've done." They're so ready to celebrate you, and they see you for way more than you can see yourself.  That is what I want for you so I will introduce you to your new best friend, and it's you. Your new best friend is you. I want you to think about this because you haven't developed a relationship with YOU enough to be your own best friend. It's something you're going to have to invest in. Your new best friend is YOU, whom I'd like you to meet. Hello friend. This new bestie that you're creating is going to be the person who is there for you no matter what.  AN INNER BESTIE VS. THE KIND COACH Let me tell you why I've been thinking about it this way. I wrote a book called  The Self-Compassion Workbook for OCD, and I talked about the Kind Coach concept. The kind coach is this warm voice inside you that coaches you through hard things. If you were to think about the mean coach you probably had in high school, he's like, "Get down and give me 20," or "Get going, you loser. Run faster." He or she motivates you through criticism and harsh comments and uses a very aggressive voice.  We don't want that because we know,, based on the research,, that it decreases motivation, increases procrastination, increases punishment, and wreaks havoc on the nervous system and the immune system. We don't want that. Instead, we use this Kind Coach. The Kind Coach encourages us. They know our strengths, and they encourage us based on our strengths. They know our weaknesses, and they don't use our weaknesses to get you moving forward. The kind coach is constantly there, encouraging you to keep going. I love this concept. But as I recently went through a difficult time, I was using this tool,, and I kept thinking, 'Something isn't landing here. This feels a little too professional.' I didn't want it at that time. While the kind coach has helped me through so many things, I didn't want a coach around when things fell apart for me. What I needed was a bestie, a best friend. I needed somebody who was more like a pal, someone who could be in my pocket. Someone who I felt a little sassier with, someone who I could use my humor with because I needed humor to get through this hard thing.  THE INNER BESTIE: THE UNCONDITIONAL FRIEND I was thinking, 'What is it that I need?' This is the golden self-compassion question that you should be asking yourself all the time. What do I need? When I checked in, I was like, "I do. I really need my best friends around." But sometimes my best friends weren't around. My husband would be at work, and my best friend lives far away in a different time zone. They weren't even awake at the time that I needed them. Who do I go to when my best friends aren't there? Some people would say, "It's fine; just go to the next best person." But I needed to be there for myself.  I giggle as I say this to you because practicing leaning on my inner bestie or my inner mate has been so powerful because there's a playfulness to this where you get to goof off with them a little. You get to make fun of it. I really do. I make fun of myself quite regularly, but not in a critical way—in a way where I'm like, "It's really cute and goofy that I do that." Often,, when I think of things that I'm not super proud of, I go, "I love that I am a little goofy." My family always makes fun of me because I love taking bites out of things, like everything. There's often something like a banana that's got a little piece cut off, or if we get a box of chocolates, I take a bite out of every single one and put it back in there because I just want to taste all of them. I'm okay to giggle at that. I want to be able to giggle with my best friends about how that's my little quirky thing.  A best friend is someone who is always there for you. They're okay to giggle. They're okay to warm, be warm, and connect. They're okay to be firm and redirect you when you're totally off track. Over the last few months, I've befriended this friend so much. I call this friend 'babe,' and babe and I have conversations together. As I'm getting ready, I'll be like, "Okay, babe, it's cool. We're doing this together. It's going to be a hard day. You've got this, this, and this to go through. What do you need, babe?" We have a conversation, and it's me. It's not anybody else. It's not the voice of a coach; it's me—my inner bestie, the one who's always going to be there for myself.  THE VOICE OF THE INNER BESTIE As I've gone through these challenging times, I think this voice feels so grounding. I trust her more than I've ever trusted the kind coach. I'm not saying there's no place for the kind coach, but this is the next level for me.  Here's what I want you to do: I want you to find a piece of paper, and I want you to either draw and/or write what this inner bestie is for you and what they look like. They're you, but how they sound, how they look. What do they say to you? How do they say it? What's their body language? How do you talk to it? For me, it's a different way of relating to myself. Now I'm talking to myself like, "Hey, babe, I got you." It's a little more conversational, a little bit more interactive. But that's what best friends are.  Let's also think about how we treat our best friends. One thing I have learned mostly through therapy is how to be a good wife. When I say good wife, I mean, just for me, how to stand next to my husband and encourage him. Even if I'm slightly annoyed, how can I pour into him? How can I show him how much I appreciate him? Even if that doesn't come naturally in the season that I'm in, how can I encourage him? How can I check in with him? I have to think about that consciously.  What I want you to do is think about how you can relate to your new best friend—you, your inner bestie—and also how you can pour into your best friend this inner bestie. Can you check in with it more often? Can you send it love more often? Can you ask how we can be in a relationship? What does it need? I want you to practice having a daily check-in. You can't just have a best friend and take the benefits but ignore them and their needs as well. This is what I want you to journal down.  I am also fine if you want to give it a name. I call mine 'babe,' as I said before. "Hey babe, how are you doing? What do you need?" It calls me babe, and we talk to each other that way. In fact, that's how I talk to most of my friends. I call them babe. Then, I want you to check in with them as much as you can. I want you to start having conversations.  When I was struggling, I started recording myself talking to Babe on my phone and saving it. As I'm getting ready, I'm saying, "Hey babe, you've got a hard day." This is babe talking to me; I'm talking to it. "You've got a hard day. I'm so sorry you're going through this. That sucks. This is just so much. I'm proud of how you got up today. Even though you didn't sleep very well, I'm proud that you didn't lose it on that one person who ran into you at the supermarket because you're so overwhelmed and you have so much going on. That was pretty impressive." Or, "Hey babe, it is so cool how you regulated your emotions at that moment. That was impressive." "Hey babe, I know you didn't do so well at that moment, but I love how you're coming to me and aligning again. you've come back to me. that's cool." Some days I might go, "Hey babe, anxiety's here today.  Alright, we know what to do. We should have expected it, but it's all good. we're going to go with anxiety. it's going to come along with it. what do you need?" This conversation that we're having back and forth doesn't make you crazy. It doesn't mean anything's wrong. What it means is that you are starting to talk to yourself in a way that you deserve, that you need to be respected, and that you deserve to have that person. This is what we want to do.  The cool thing is, if you follow me on Instagram or YouTube, I'm starting to do way more videos where I talk to myself through the lens of my inner bestie. I'm having those conversations. I'm brushing my hair as I talk to myself. I am brushing my teeth. I'm doing the dishes. I'm writing checks if I have to be writing checks. I'm practicing it in all the little places, and I'm trying to show you how to do it so you can go follow me there and see for yourself. But I want you to think about this. The new best friend is here, and you get out what you pour into it. Give it a try. I really, really believe in this.  If this is a bit awkward for you, that's okay. There's no problem with the awkwardness. Let it be awkward. If it feels a little wrong or weird, that's okay too. Let it be weird and awkward and strange and uncomfortable. There's nothing wrong with getting used to these feelings. You might even say, "Hey, babe, it's weird to talk to you. This feels odd. I'm not so sure about this." Then you might even listen and be like, "Yeah, it's okay that it's uncomfortable."  You might even have your babe in my accent, and that's fine as well. What we are really trying to do is get an inner dialogue that is kind, that's got a little sass to it, and that's got a little punk to it, whatever you like. That is exactly what you need, because what I need in a best friend might be different from what you need. Sometimes your best friend needs to be total sassy, like doesn't take crap from anybody and stands up for you no matter what. If that's what you need your babe to be, go ahead. Let your babe be that.  Take what you need. Leave the rest. Play around with this. But I would say give it a full 30 days. Practice having an inner bestie, connecting with and pouring into that inner bestie for 30 days, and you'll be shocked at how your inner narrative changes.  Have fun with your best friends. I cannot wait to hear how this aligns with you and how it's helping with any struggles that you're having. Please let me know on social media if you have any questions. You can catch me on Your Anxiety Toolkit on Instagram or YouTube. Have a great day, everybody, and it's a beautiful day to do hard things.

I have a new best friend for YOU | Ep. 387

Imagine being able to walk into a crowded room without feeling your heart pound out of your chest. Envision yourself confidently striking up conversations with strangers or going about your day without being overwhelmed with the fear of being judged by others.  If social anxiety has been holding you back from enjoying life, it's time to take on an exposure challenge and learn how to feel more confident in your skin when you are in public. In this episode of Your Anxiety Toolkit, we will explore one of the most well-known, science-based, and effective strategies for overcoming social anxiety. From gradual exposure to uncomfortable social situations to building a support network, you'll discover practical steps to overcome the grip of social anxiety. Recently, I overheard a therapist (of all people) say that letting our clients experience distress is harmful.  When I heard this, I gasped.  This idea and this narrative concerned me so much.  We have become so fixated on never feeling distressed that we fuel our anxiety and emotions.   Now, I get it. I am not in the business of being a therapist to make people feel terrible. Quite the opposite. However, one of the most powerful messages I give my clients is that we can learn to compassionately and effectively navigate distress because distress is a natural part of being a human.   If we have anxiety and we are committed to not feeling it, it will control every aspect of our lives. If you have social anxiety and you are committed to never being uncomfortable, social anxiety will take everything you love from you, including your future.  Today, we are focusing on pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone and facing your fears.  What you will learn is that you'll gradually build your confidence and become more at ease in social settings.  With each small success, you'll grow more robust and more resilient, expanding your social circle and embracing new opportunities. My hope is that you don't let social anxiety hold you back any longer.  Today, I am going to give you a 30-day Social Anxiety Challenge.  I have seen this work for my clients repeatedly, and I am confident it will change your life, too.  Before we get started, let's first make sure you have a good understanding of social anxiety.   UNDERSTANDING SOCIAL ANXIETY Social anxiety, also known as social phobia, is a common mental health condition characterized by an intense fear and anxiety in social situations. It goes beyond mere shyness and can significantly impact an individual's daily life. People with social anxiety often experience excessive worry about being judged, embarrassed, or humiliated in social settings. This fear can be so overwhelming that it leads to avoidance of social situations altogether. One thing I always share with my students and clients is that while Social anxiety is considered an anxiety disorder, I agree with Christopher Germer, a well-known psychologist who has been on the show (episode 199), that social anxiety is as much a shame disorder as it is an anxiety disorder.   From my experience, people with Social anxiety struggle immensely with shame, and this powerfully painful emotion can disrupt so much of someone's life. It can increase the incidence of depression and even suicidal ideation.  Having social anxiety can leave you feeling like a fool, awkward, and alone.  Commonly, people with social anxiety withdraw and isolate, only making themselves feel more alone, defective, and often more depressed.  Social anxiety can have a profound impact on various aspects of a person's life. It can hinder their ability to form and maintain relationships, limit their career prospects, and diminish their overall quality of life. Simple tasks such as making a phone call, attending social gatherings, or speaking in public can elicit intense anxiety, leading to avoidance behaviors and missed opportunities. The constant fear of being evaluated negatively by others can create a cycle of self-doubt and isolation. But today, we will put our entire attention to turning this around for you.  Today, I am going to give you a 30-day Social Anxiety Exposure challenge where you face your fears and take your life back from social anxiety.   The 30-day Social Anxiety Exposure Challenge: What is it and how does it work The exposure challenge is a science-based therapeutic technique widely used in the treatment of social anxiety. It involves deliberately facing feared social situations in a gradual and controlled manner. The goal is to help you habituate to your anxiety-provoking situations and develop a sense of mastery and confidence.  Exposure can be done in real-life situations or through imaginal exposure, where you vividly imagine yourself in anxiety-inducing scenarios. Today, we are going to focus on real-life situations because I wholeheartedly believe that is where the money is. I have seen it work with hundreds of my clients.  Exposure works by activating the fear response and allowing you to experience the anxiety you feel. Over time, repeated exposure to the feared situations helps retrain your brain, reducing the anxiety response and building resilience and confidence. It is important to note that exposure should always be done at a pace that feels manageable for you, and seeking professional guidance can be beneficial in designing an exposure plan tailored to your specific needs. What are the Benefits of doing a 30-day social anxiety exposure challenge? Facing your  social anxiety through exposure can have numerous benefits. Firstly, it allows you to confront and challenge your irrational beliefs about social situations. By repeatedly exposing yourself to feared situations, you'll begin to gather evidence that contradicts your negative thoughts (such as “everyone hates me,” “They will think I am an idiot,” or “I will make a fool out of myself”), gradually reshaping your perception of social interactions. This process can lead to increased self-confidence and a more positive self-image. Exposure also provides an opportunity for skill-building and learning. As you face your fears and navigate social situations, you'll develop new coping strategies and important social skills. These skills will help you manage anxiety and enhance your ability to connect with others and build meaningful relationships in ways that feel authentic to you. The more you expose yourself to different social scenarios, the more adaptable and resilient you become in handling various social challenges. THE 30-DAY SOCIAL ANXIETY EXPOSURE CHALLENGE RULES Okay, before we get started, please know that you can either do these in the exact order or you can put them in the order of easiest to hardest.   My only tip is to make sure you do at least one of these exposures per day. You get extra points if you do them many many times, as this is how you will really learn the most.  Tracking your progress and celebrating small victories is essential for maintaining motivation and building confidence. Keep a record of your exposure activities, noting the level of anxiety experienced and any positive outcomes or insights gained. Reflecting on your progress can help you see how far you've come and provide a sense of accomplishment. Celebrate each small victory, no matter how insignificant it may seem. Recognize that every step forward is a step closer to overcoming social anxiety and living a fulfilling life. Other tips:   Plan ahead.  Some of these exposures will require some planning and arranging.  Do not let fear stop you or make too many excuses.  You will only get out what you put in. Do these exposures with kindness ONLY.  The biggest goal is to not criticize yourself at all. Do the best you can. Catch yourself when you are going down the self-loathing rabbit hole.  Challenge your negative thoughts about yourself and be your biggest cheerleader.  Once the exposure is over, you are not allowed to think about what happened. Try not to ruminate about it.   Celebrate your wins.  Set up a reward for completing the challenge.  Or several rewards throughout hte 30 days.  If you find one of them easy, try to double up and add something challenge to the challenge.     THE 30 DAY SOCIAL ANXIETY CHALLENGE PLAN Day 1: Take a walk in public and give eye contact to 5 people.  Day 2: Take a walk in public and give eye contact and a smile to 5 people.  Day 3: Take a walk in public, make eye contact, smile, and greet five people.  Day 4: Go to the mall or a store and make small talk with a cashier. Day 5: Ask a stranger for directions. Day 6: Order food at a restaurant without rehearsing. Day 7: Compliment 5 strangers. One Week Check-in: What thoughts are you having?  Day 8: Attend a social event without a close friend. Day 9: Speak up in a meeting at work or school. Day 10: Join a club or group related to a hobby. Day 11: Make a phone call instead of sending a text or email. Day 12: Practice introducing yourself to 2 new people. Day 13: Start a conversation with someone in a waiting room. Day 14: Sit in the front row during a presentation or class or at the movies. Day 15: HALF WAY: Join a public speaking group, like Toastmasters. Day 16: Share a personal opinion in a group setting. Day 17: Attend a social gathering and stay for a set amount of time. Day 18: Initiate a conversation with someone you find intimidating. Day 19: Go to a party and introduce yourself to at least three new people. Day 20: Take a class in improv or acting. Day 21: Sing karaoke in front of others or sing as you walk down the street. Day 22: Ask someone for help in a store. Day 23: Participate in a team sport or group exercise class. Day 24: Initiate a conversation with someone sitting alone. Day 25: Practice saying “no” in various social situations. Day 26: Give a compliment to a coworker or classmate. Day 27: Ask someone to coffee or a casual outing. Day 28: Go to a new place and ask a stranger about the best things to do there. Day 29: Introduce yourself to your neighbors. Day 30: Share a positive personal achievement with others. There you go!  There is your 30-day Social Anxiety  Life after the Exposure Challenge. As you continue to face your fears and engage in exposure activities, you'll gradually notice a shift in your confidence and ability to navigate social situations. Embrace this newfound confidence and allow it to propel you forward in life.  Your social world will expand with each successful exposure, and opportunities for personal and professional growth will arise.  Remember that  overcoming social anxiety is a journey, and setbacks may occur along the way. Be kind to yourself, celebrate your progress, and continue to challenge yourself to reach new heights of confidence and self-assurance. Don't let social anxiety hold you back any longer. Step out of your comfort zone, face your fears, and embrace the incredible potential that lies within you. I always say, “Today is a beautiful day to do hard thing.” You deserve to live a life free from the shackles of social anxiety.  Get going with this challenge as soon as you can. I promise that you will not regret it.

The 30-Day Social Anxiety Exposure Challenge| Ep. 386

Behind every smile, there can be hidden struggles and pain. You might even be one of those people struggling so much but puts on a smiling face even though you feel like you are sinking.   Smiling depression, a somewhat new term to describe people who are struggling with high-functioning depression, is a lonely battle that many individuals face. In today’s episode, we dive into the topic of smiling depression, exploring what it is and how it affects those who suffer from it. IS SMILING DEPRESSION A DIAGNOSIS? First of all, let me be clear. Smiling Depression is not a specific mental health diagnosis.  Instead, it is a presentation of depression. Unlike well-known symptoms of depression, those with smiling depression put on a facade of happiness. They may appear perfectly fine on the surface, leaving their inner turmoil hidden from the outside world. Unfortunately, this masks the severity of their emotional struggles, making it difficult for others to offer support or understanding. It is important to acknowledge the hidden struggles of smiling depression and offer compassion and support to those who are silently battling this condition. They are not lying or faking it to deceive you.  Instead, they feel completely trapped. They often see no way but to keep going and keep pretending. They just keep smiling, even though they see an end in sight. They put a smile on their face, and they push through.  Even just saying that makes me want to cry, as I have been in this situation too many times.  I completely understand the pressure (often self-induced pressure) just to keep going and “not complain,” “look at the bright side,” or “be grateful for what I have,” even though I was being crushed with hopelessness, helpfulness and worthlessness.  My hope is by addressing this topic, we can create an environment where you feel safe to express your true emotions and seek help.  You are not broken. You are not wrong for feeling this way.  And asking for help does not make you weak or bad.  You deserve to have support, love, compassion, and time to recover.   SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF SMILING DEPRESSION Smiling depression can be difficult to identify, as those who experience it often mask their true emotions behind a smile. However, there are certain signs and symptoms that can help us recognize this hidden condition.  One common characteristic of smiling depression is the apparent contradiction between a person's outward demeanor and their inner emotional state. While they may appear cheerful, happy, and successful, they may be struggling with feelings of hopelessness, helpfulness, worthlessness, emptiness, sadness, or even thoughts of self-harm or suicide. Another smiling depression symptom is the tendency to keep their struggles hidden from others. Individuals with smiling depression often feel the need to maintain a facade of happiness, fearing that opening up about their inner turmoil will burden or disappoint those around them. This can lead to a sense of isolation and loneliness, further exacerbating their emotional struggles. Furthermore, individuals with smiling  depression often experience a lack of motivation and interest in activities they once enjoyed. They may withdraw socially, have difficulty concentrating, and experience changes in appetite and sleep patterns. These symptoms, when combined with the constant pressure to maintain a happy facade, can take a toll on their overall well-being. What I think is very interested is the overlap of Smiling depression and perfectly hidden depression.  We previously did an episode with Margaret Rutherford about perfectly hidden depression which is a form of depression where people become hyper fixated on being perfect to mask their experience of depression.   You can listen that episode on the show notes to learn more.  THE HIDDEN STRUGGLES OF SMILING DEPRESSION Smiling depression is not simply a case of "putting on a brave face." It is a complex mental health condition that can have severe consequences if left untreated. While individuals with smiling depression may appear perfectly fine on the surface, they often battle with intense emotional pain behind closed doors. One of the hidden struggles of smiling depression is the constant pressure to maintain a happy facade. Society often expects individuals to be cheerful and optimistic, making it difficult for those with smiling depression to express their true feelings. This can lead to shame, guilt, and a sense of being misunderstood. Additionally, the internal conflict between the outward appearance of happiness and the inner turmoil can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. Individuals with smiling depression often feel like they are living a double life, constantly hiding their pain while wearing a smile. This internal struggle can affect their self-esteem and overall mental well-being. Furthermore, the lack of understanding and awareness surrounding smiling depression can make it difficult for individuals to seek help. Since they appear to function well in their daily lives, others often dismiss or overlook their struggles. This can further isolate them and prevent them from receiving their desperately needed support. THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN SOCIAL MEDIA AND SMILING DEPRESSION Social media has become an integral part of our lives in today's digital age. While it has its benefits, it can also contribute to the development and exacerbation of mental health conditions such as smiling depression. Social media platforms often present a distorted reality where everyone appears to be living their best lives. This constant exposure to curated and idealized versions of other people's lives can create a sense of inadequacy and comparison for individuals with smiling depression. They may feel like they are not living up to the standards set by others, further fueling their feelings of emptiness and sadness. Furthermore, the pressure to maintain a positive online presence can be overwhelming for those with smiling depression. They may feel compelled to post happy and upbeat content, even when struggling internally. This can perpetuate the cycle of hiding their emotions and feeling isolated from their online communities. If this is true for you, remember that social media is almost always fake.  It is not the real life of the people you follow. I love seeing posts where people show pictures of themselves looking all glamorous and then show them crying just a few minutes later. Even though I hate that they are struggling, some people are showing what real life is like behind the scenes and I think we all need to remember that.  COPING STRATEGIES FOR INDIVIDUALS WITH SMILING DEPRESSION While overcoming smiling depression can be a challenging journey, there are coping strategies that can help individuals navigate their inner struggles and find some relief. The first coping strategy is to practice self-care. This involves prioritizing your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Engaging in activities that bring joy and relaxation, such as exercise, hobbies, or spending time in nature, can help alleviate symptoms of smiling depression. Building a routine with healthy habits, such as getting enough sleep and maintaining a balanced diet, can also contribute to overall well-being. If you want to learn more about health routines for depression, we covered that in a recent podcast episode called  Living with Depression: Daily Routines for Mental Wellness. The link to that episode will be in the show notes.  Seeking social support is another crucial coping strategy for individuals with smiling depression. Opening up to trusted friends, family members, or mental health professionals can provide a safe space to express emotions and receive support.  Joining support groups or engaging in therapy sessions can also help individuals develop healthy coping mechanisms and learn from others who have faced similar challenges. In addition, practicing mindfulness and self-reflection can be beneficial for individuals with smiling depression. This involves being present in the moment, accepting one's emotions without judgment, and exploring the underlying causes of their struggles. Techniques such as meditation, journaling, or engaging in creative outlets can aid in self-discovery and promote emotional healing. It is important to note that coping strategies may vary from person to person, and what works for one individual may not work for another. The key is to explore different techniques and find a personalized approach that best suits one's needs and preferences. TREATMENT FOR SMILING DEPRESSION While coping strategies can be helpful, it is important to acknowledge that smiling depression is still simply a term to describe a serious mental health condition that often requires professional intervention. Seeking help from a mental health professional, such as a therapist or psychiatrist, can provide individuals with the necessary support and guidance to navigate their journey toward recovery. A mental health professional can help individuals with smiling depression by providing evidence-based treatments, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or medication. To start, the main treatment goal might be to offer a safe and non-judgmental space for individuals to express their emotions and come to terms with the fact that smiling through their pain is not working anymore.  This can be painful and very scary.  It is crucial to remember that seeking professional help is not a sign of weakness, but rather a courageous step towards healing. With the guidance and support of a mental health professional, individuals with smiling depression can find the strength to overcome their inner struggles and live a fulfilling life. CBT treatment will involve addressing any errors in their thinking and also addressing the behaviors that are contributing to their depression.  The real goal of CBT is to compassionately help the person with smiling depression to find new and effective coping techniques, and kind, and move them towards long-term recovery and healing.  If you are looking for help with depression and do not have access to professional mental health care, or if you are interested in learning new ways to manage your depression, you may want to consider our online course called OVERCOMING DEPRESSION.  Overcoming depression is an on-demand online course that will walk you through the exact steps I take my clients through when they have depression.  I will first help you fully understand the science behind why you have depression, and then I will teach you all about how to create a plan of attack to overcome your depression.  Treatment for depression involves learning a lot about self-compassion and mindfulness. These skills will help you manage strong emotions and the depressive thoughts that you have.  I will teach you how to correct the errors in your thinking, create a schedule that will help you reduce overwhelm and hopelessness, and increase your motivation to get the things that you need to get done I will give you printouts and video training to show you just how to do it all.  If you are interested, go to www.cbtschool.com/depression.  Just remember, it is not therapy. This is a home study course to show you the steps others have taken to overcome their depression.  SUPPORT SYSTEMS FOR THOSE WITH SMILING DEPRESSION Building a strong support system is vital for individuals with smiling depression. Having a network of understanding and empathetic individuals can provide a sense of validation and belonging, helping to counteract the feelings of isolation that often accompany this condition. Support can come from various sources, including friends, family members, support groups, and online communities. It is important for individuals with smiling depression to reach out and connect with others who have similar experiences. This can provide a safe space for sharing emotions, exchanging coping strategies, and offering mutual support. Additionally, it is crucial for loved ones to educate themselves about smiling depression and understand the unique challenges faced by those who suffer from it. By learning about the condition, they can provide the necessary support and validation, helping individuals feel heard and understood. CONCLUSION AND ENCOURAGEMENT FOR THOSE WITH SMILING DEPRESSION Smiling depression is a hidden battle that many individuals face. Behind their smiles, they may be struggling with intense emotional pain and a sense of isolation.  If you or someone you know is experiencing smiling depression, remember that you are not alone. Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or mental health professionals. Seek help and support, and remember that there is hope for recovery.

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