We are back to wrap up our discussion around the question “how do I manage a negative and stressful friendship” from one of our callers who as a reminder, wants to share her observations with a long-time friend but is afraid to hurt her feelings.  You guessed it, it’s time to get down to action and empower our listener to manage her friendship productively!

In this episode, we’ll discuss our viewpoint on what a challenging friendship looks like – the DRAINER philosophy:

• Discriminate – exudes judgement and is self-centered causing others to shut down
• Resentful – shows up as being jealous and holds on to past bad experiences 
• Anxiety – provokes feelings of stress, uneasiness, and concern
• Inconsiderate – disrespects the time and priorities of others
• Negative – stays in a place of complaint and a victim mentality
• Exhausting – depletes energy from others
• Resistant to change – does not have a willingness to learn or do anything differently

 

An extreme DRAINER can be a BAITER (backstabber, abuser, imposter, taker, exploiter, and reckless).  Be aware of people who have selfish tendencies, are deceitful, consistently manipulate, and are not trustworthy.  These are folks to dismiss from your life!

 

Pay attention to patterns over time and the reciprocity in the relationship.  Is value being added in both directions?

 

What are some recommendations to manage a tough friendship?

• Limit the time you spend with a DRAINER (create space and distance)
• Meet in a group setting vs. 1:1 so the attention is not centered on one person (hopefully!)
• Have a crucial conversation and be vulnerable when you provide honest feedback
• Consider journaling to track your feelings, their patterns and behaviors, and any changes
• Provide positive reinforcement for improved behavior
• Keep SAVERS around you who support, align, add value, elevate, and rise with you

 

References:

• Life Code - Dr. Phil McGraw
• Kevin Hart: Don't F**k This Up (Netflix documentary)
• 6 Signs of Healthy Friendships to Look out For (article)

 

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