Betrayal Trauma Recovery - BTR.ORG

Center For Peace: 3 Steps Emotional Abusers Must Take To Change

04.01.2020 - By Anne Blythe, M.Ed.Play

Download our free app to listen on your phone

Download on the App StoreGet it on Google Play

Betrayal Trauma Recovery advocates for the safety of women and children. By interviewing three abusive men who recognize their abuse and want to change, BTR hopes to offer insight and information that will help women get to safety, not try to rescue their abusers.

BTR supports Center For Peace as the only abuse cessation organization that addresses pornography use as abuse and takes emotional, physical, spiritual, and financial abuse seriously.

Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, talks to James, a Center for Peace client, about how he learned about his own abusive behavior. Read the full transcript below and listen to the free BTR podcast for more.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CHSoY-hvxDk

Emotional Abusers Must Accept The Word "Abuse"

Emotionally abusive men do not like the word "abuse." Generally, abusers will call their abusive behaviors "harm", "damage", or "pain", but not "abuse".

Abusers justify this by scaling the abuse:

* I never hit her, so it's not abuse.

* I only hit her once, so it's not abuse.

* I only used porn, so it's not abuse.

When an emotionally abusive man truly wants to change, one of the first necessary steps is for him to accept the word "abuse" and all that it entails.

When the word "abuse" was first brought to my attention I was completely offended. I was thrown back by the terminology when my wife first said, ‘You’re an abuser.’

James, Center For Peace client

“As I began to learn more, it finally clicked. I realized that I am an abuser. It is the truth and the truth will set us free.”

-James, Center for Peace client

Emotional Abusers Must Grasp The Damage They Have Caused

Why would I be so inclined to hurt my wife, somebody that I loved so much? She said, ‘That’s exactly what your wife is asking herself right now.’ I said, ‘Oh, my God.’ That was it. I knew, at that point, I could never in my life put my wife through that again. She deserves so much more.

James, Center For Peace client

When abusive men are rationalizing, justifying, minimizing, denying, and/or scaling their abusive behaviors, they are not truly changing.

How Do Abusers Avoid Facing The Impact Of Abuse?

Often, abusers use justifications to avoid grasping the reality of the damage they have caused by choosing to believe lies, like:

* I abuse her because I grew up in an abusive home.

* I abuse her because I'm addicted to porn.

* I abuse her because I have a mental illness/disorder.

* I abuse her because no one taught me any better.

* I abuse her because I have a high sex-drive.

Or they blame the victim:

* I wouldn't abuse her if she wasn't so demanding.

* I wouldn't use porn if she was more sexually available.

* I wouldn't yell if she listened better.

* When she ___ I have to ___.

Abusers Must Abandon The Myth That Addiction Caused Abuse

When abuser <a title="Is Pornography Addiction Real?

More episodes from Betrayal Trauma Recovery - BTR.ORG