Are Black Gay Men Actively Choosing to Stay Single?

On a recent episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, we dove deep into a question that’s been bubbling: Why are so many eligible Black gay men opting for “chosen singleness” instead of cuffing up? The answers might surprise you, but they definitely hit home.

The Big Experiment: Crib, Car, and a Job

Host Jai The Gentleman interviewed 20 eligible Black single men, defining “eligible” as having a crib (paying rent/mortgage), a car (access to transportation), and a job (a reliable way to pay bills). More than half of these men chose to stay single, and their reasons were consistent.

Here’s why these bachelors are choosing the solo life:

* Men Play Too Many Games: A shocking 15 out of 20 men cited unhealed trauma from a previous relationship as their main reason for avoiding dating altogether. The hurt is real, and the defense mechanism is thick.

* Dating is Expensive... and Unequal: Ten of the men felt that Black gay men expect way more than they offer. One bachelor put it plainly: “Gay men expect steak dinners, but they order their steak well done” (meaning, they don’t appreciate the value).

* The Vulnerability Veto: Six of the men acknowledged that dating requires a level of emotional vulnerability that many men simply can’t handle. It’s tough to date when a guy “doesn’t go to therapy, they aren’t self-aware, or they’re not emotionally available”.

Toxic Love and the “B******t” Trap

The conversation then took a turn toward the painfully relatable: the allure of toxic relationships, reacting to a commentary about the tumultuous and documented breakup of a YouTube couple, Dondre and Chris. Jai mused that some of us are tragically addicted to toxicity. Being in a dramatic, on-again-off-again cycle can feel like a sign of investment or care, even when it’s clearly not.

The main takeaway? We gotta learn to trust our gut. If something feels off, it is off. You don’t need to play detective or wait for absolute proof to protect your peace.

Stepping Out of “Chosen Singleness”

So, how do we get out of this self-imposed single box? It all comes down to intention. Instead of passively waiting for a man to “stumble into your life” or leaving the “door open” for a connection without effort, true happiness requires work, vulnerability, and being your best, most authentic self before your man arrives.

If you want the full story on how Jai got out of the dating pool, comment “dating” below! And be sure to check out the full episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast.

What’s your take? Are you in your era of chosen singleness, or are you actively looking for love? Let us know in the comments!

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Would you like me to find the link for Jai’s Substack blog for the full story?

Absolutely! Here is the link to the Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack, where you can find all the dating stories and deeper conversations:

* Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack

On the Substack, you can read more of Jai the Gentleman’s insights, including his personal dating blog, and topics on commitment, sex, and love in the Black queer community.

Would you like to explore any of the three reasons men are choosing to stay single in more detail?

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