Everyone has needs, but many people find it difficult to identify what authentically matters to them. Even when we can identify them, shame or fear often stops us from expressing those needs to others or taking the practical steps that would help us achieve them.
Meeting our needs is a major source of well-being, and people who can identify their needs are more likely to get them met. On today’s episode of Being Well, Dr. Rick and Forrest Hanson focus on how to look inside, and figure out what you really need. They discuss different frameworks for categorizing our needs, what to do when we are confused by our desires, and how to get in touch with what you really want.
Watch the Episode: Prefer watching video? You can watch this episode on YouTube.
Key Topics:
0:00: Introduction
2:05: Common features among people who struggle to name their desires
7:05: Three basic steps to relate to wants and needs
8:00: Different frameworks for categorizing wants and needs
21:00: What helped Rick get in touch with his own wants and needs?
28:00: An experiential exercise
35:10: Why addressing your needs and wants is not just naval gazing
38:40: Forrest’s suggestions based on his own experience
45:25: What to do when what we want is probably not best for us
51:40: Creating a personal manifesto
54:30: Recap
New Course From Rick! Learn the lessons of a lifetime in the new and improved Foundations of Wellbeing 2.0 program. This yearlong, online program teaches you how to grow the 12 key inner strengths that lead to lasting wellbeing during difficult times. Our New Year's sale is running now, and you can use the code BeingWell25 to get an additional 25% off the purchase price.
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Discovering Your Wants and Needs

Forrest Hanson is joined by clinical psychologist Dr. Rick Hanson and a world-class group of experts to explore the practical science of lasting well-being. Conversations focus on the key insights from psychology, science, and contemplative practice that you need to build reliable inner strengths, overcome your challenges, and get the most out of life. New episodes every Monday.

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Dr. Lindsay Gibson joins the podcast to share her groundbreaking work on emotional maturity. Forrest and Dr. Gibson explore how growing up with emotionally immature caregivers can affect our adult relationships, and what we can do to recover from these experiences, build healthier patterns, and disentangle from emotionally immature people. They start by discussing what emotional immaturity means, some of its key characteristics, and the consequences of growing up with emotionally immature parents. They then talk about how we can move away from “role-self” and develop a deeper connection with who we really are. You’ll learn practical tools for recognizing emotionally immature people, managing your relationships with them effectively, and establishing healthy boundaries.
About our Guest: Dr. Lindsay Gibson is a clinical psychologist and the author of a number of books including Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People. Her most recent work is the Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents Guided Journal.
You can watch this episode on YouTube.
Topics:
0:00: Introduction
1:20: What is emotional immaturity?
7:25: Affective realism and involuntary coping mechanisms
14:00: An example of a childhood with emotionally immature caregivers
18:50: The “role-self,” and how children respond to a parent’s lack of empathy
25:15: Receiving guidance from the authentic self
29:25: How the role-self affects relationships in adulthood
41:25: Healthier relationships by connecting with the authentic self
50:10: Letting go of healing fantasies in adult relationships
56:10: Guilt, emotional coercion, fear of loneliness, and finding optimal distance
1:02:55: How to identify with yourself as a secure base
1:06:20: Recap
Offer from Dr. Rick: If you'd like to improve your self-worth, check out Rick's new 4-hour, live online workshop. You'll learn methods and practices that can actually change your brain and your habits, so you start nurturing your sense of worth and belonging. Our listeners can get 20% off with coupon code BeingWell20: https://selfworthworkshop.com/
Forrest is now writing on Substack, check out his work there. 
Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.
Sponsors
Join over a million people using BetterHelp, the world’s largest online counseling platform. Visit betterhelp.com/beingwell for 10% off your first month!
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Zocdoc helps you find expert doctors and medical professionals that specialize in the care you need, and deliver the type of experience you want. Head to zocdoc.com/being and download the Zocdoc app for FREE.
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Dealing with Emotionally Immature People (and Parents) with Dr. Lindsay Gibson

Twentysomethings are bombarded with misinformation, hype, and contradictory messages that pull them in many different directions. Dr. Meg Jay, a specialist on what she calls the “defining decade,” joins Forrest to explore how we can navigate this transformative and often anxiety-provoking time in our lives. They discuss the biggest misunderstandings about our 20s, balancing having fun with setting yourself up for the future, and common mental health issues. Topics include the pitfalls of self-diagnosis, creating a strong self-concept and building identity capital, dealing with burnout, strengthening our relationships, and more. 
About our Guest: Dr. Meg Jay is a developmental clinical psychologist who specializes in twentysomethings. She is on faculty at the University of Virginia, and is the author of a number of wonderful books, including The Defining Decade and her new book The Twentysomething Treatment: A Revolutionary Remedy for an Uncertain Age.
You can watch this episode on YouTube.
Key Topics:
0:00: Introduction
1:20: The biggest misunderstanding about life in your 20s
4:55: Uncertainty, and becoming confident in our abilities
8:30: Nihilism about the current state of the world
14:50: Self-diagnosis, social media, and over medication
23:25: The “strength of weak ties”
27:20: Self-concept and identity capital
30:30: What helps people take action
34:15: Navigating avoidance and anxiety
41:55: Finding evidence that you’re capable of being loved
46:35: What to do you when you feel stuck
49:20: How to choose purpose
58:55: Advice to people who feel like they messed up their 20s
1:04:45: Recap
Offer from Dr. Rick: If you'd like to improve your self-worth, check out Rick's new 4-hour, live online workshop. You'll learn methods and practices that can actually change your brain and your habits, so you start nurturing your sense of worth and belonging. Our listeners can get 20% off with coupon code BeingWell20: https://selfworthworkshop.com/
Forrest is now writing on Substack, check out his work there. 
Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.
Sponsors
Join over a million people using BetterHelp, the world’s largest online counseling platform. Visit betterhelp.com/beingwell for 10% off your first month!
Zocdoc helps you find expert doctors and medical professionals that specialize in the care you need, and deliver the type of experience you want. Head to zocdoc.com/being and download the Zocdoc app for FREE.
Trust your gut with Seed’s DS-01 Daily Synbiotic. Go to Seed.com/BEINGWELL and use code 25BEINGWELL to get 25% off your first month. 
OneSkin focuses on delivering more than superficial results for your skin. Get started today with 15% off using code BEINGWELL at oneskin.co. 
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How to Make the Most of Your 20s with Dr. Meg Jay

What do dissociation, avoidance, and emotional shutdown all have in common? They’re connected to the “freeze” response to stress. In one of our favorite episodes to date, Dr. Rick and Forrest explore the freeze response in detail. 
They talk about what stress responses are, how they impact our behavior, and why different people tend to default to different coping strategies. Forrest explains what freezing looks like in practice, and why the freeze response can be particularly difficult to navigate. Dr. Rick then shares a number of helpful strategies for working with the freeze response, including strengthening self-confidence, and the feeling of ourselves as someone who can create safety. Towards the end of the episode they discuss managing these tendencies in a relationship.
You can watch this episode on YouTube.
Key Topics:
0:00: Introduction 
1:15: Understanding stress responses
9:05: Stress responses in relationship
15:25: Why it's hard to see that you're freezing
19:05: Dissociation, and what freezing looks like in practice
23:55: Steps of moving through dissociation
30:05: Self-awareness, ‘global’ conditioning, and unconditional positive regard
38:10: How Rick would work with someone who freezes: a hypothetical case study
53:45: Seeing yourself as a source of safety
1:02:55: Recap
Offer from Dr. Rick: If you'd like to improve your self-worth, check out Rick's new 4-hour, live online workshop. You'll learn methods and practices that can actually change your brain and your habits, so you start nurturing your sense of worth and belonging. Our listeners can get 20% off with coupon code BeingWell20: https://selfworthworkshop.com/
Forrest is now writing on Substack, check out his work there. 
Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.
Sponsors
OneSkin focuses on delivering more than superficial results for your skin. Get started today with 15% off using code BEINGWELL at oneskin.co. 
Get your stand on with UPLIFT Desk! Go to UPLIFT Desk.com/BEINGWELL for 5% off your order of one of their fantastic standing desks or office products.
Trust your gut with Seed’s DS-01 Daily Synbiotic. Go to Seed.com/BEINGWELL and use code 25BEINGWELL to get 25% off your first month. 
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Managing the Freeze Response: Dissociation, Emotional Shutdown, and Creating Safety

Forrest and Dr. Rick open up the mailbag and answer questions from listeners focused on how we can work with irrational fears, create separation from our thoughts and feelings, and set healthy boundaries in dysfunctional families. Rick then goes off on the topic of “evidence-based” vs. “not evidence-based” approaches to therapy, leading to an interesting conversation about research, statistical significance, and what makes for good therapy. We think you’ll enjoy this one, thanks for listening!
You can watch this episode on YouTube.
Key Topics:
0:00: Introduction 
1:25: How can I respond to fears I know are irrational?
11:05: How can I disidentify from my thoughts?
21:35: How do I set healthy boundaries in a dysfunctional family system?
39:25: Are “not evidence-based” therapeutic approaches such as IFS or somatic therapy inferior to “evidence-based” approaches like CBT?
55:20: My relationship is full of conflict, and I’m considering divorce. How should I think this through?
1:05:10: Recap
Forrest is now writing on Substack, check out his work there. 
Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.
Soonsors
Get your stand on with UPLIFT Desk! Go to UPLIFT Desk.com/BEINGWELL for 5% off your order of one of their fantastic standing desks or office products.
Join over a million people using BetterHelp, the world’s largest online counseling platform. Visit betterhelp.com/beingwell for 10% off your first month!
Trust your gut with Seed’s DS-01 Daily Synbiotic. Go to Seed.com/BEINGWELL and use code 25BEINGWELL to get 25% off your first month. 
Start each day right with IQBAR’s bars, hydration mixes, and mushroom coffees. Just text BEINGWELL to sixty-four thousand (64-000) and get an exclusive offer of 20% off plus free shipping.
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Working with Irrational Fears, Setting Healthy Boundaries, and Understanding Therapy: March Mailbag

Our 20s are a unique decade filled with opportunity…including the opportunity to make a lot of mistakes. On today’s episode, Dr. Rick and Forrest share (roughly) 10 things they wish they’d known back then. They explore the balance of enjoying freedom with the compounding value of effort, a framework for finding meaning and purpose, and some of the common pitfalls that keep us stuck. Regardless of where you are in life, you’ll learn how to find and embrace your natural talents, appreciate meaningful relationships, and see things in a new light. 
You can watch this episode on YouTube.
Key Topics:
0:00: Introduction 
1:35: The importance of the choices you make in your 20s
4:45: Balance the freedom of youth with the value of action
8:00: Embrace mentorship
13:40: Find the Three Circles: Talent, Enjoyment, and Values
21:30: Try things, and let yourself change
24:20: Avoid getting stuck (and codependent relationships)
27:35: Identify useful feedback
31:00: Avoid swerving away from natural talents, kindred spirits, good advice, and failure
36:05: The intrinsic value of creating, and lightening up about results
38:25: Focus on where you have agency
44:45: Appreciate relationships based on shared values
46:55: You get to decide what your relationships look like
47:50: Showing appreciation for your younger self
49:50: Recap
Forrest is now writing on Substack, check out his work there. 
Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.
Sponsors
Get your stand on with UPLIFT Desk! Go to UPLIFT Desk.com/BEINGWELL for 5% off your order of one of their fantastic standing desks or office products.
Join over a million people using BetterHelp, the world’s largest online counseling platform. Visit betterhelp.com/beingwell for 10% off your first month!
Trust your gut with Seed’s DS-01 Daily Synbiotic. Go to Seed.com/BEINGWELL and use code 25BEINGWELL to get 25% off your first month. 
Start each day right with IQBAR’s bars, hydration mixes, and mushroom coffees. Just text BEINGWELL to sixty-four thousand (64-000) and get an exclusive offer of 20% off plus free shipping.
Connect with the show:

Subscribe on iTunes

Follow Forrest on YouTube

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Discovering Your Wants and Needs

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