What are the essentials--the necessary steps, tools, qualities, and characteristics--for making a life that matters?

10 Essentials for Making a Life that Matters – TPW172

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How do you manage the mental load of running a household, a career, and all that makes up your life? The TL;DR is this: It's okay to let others help you bear the mental load as well as the physical tasks. It doesn't make you any less of a good mother, wife, co-worker, or other such role. It means you're putting yourself first for a change without losing sight of your responsibilities. And this is a good and healthy thing to do.



Managing the mental load--and sharing it with others--makes for a more peaceful and productive life

Recently I’ve run across a bunch of social media posts in which women are talking about the difficulties of managing the mental load of running a household, often while also working full time. Many of these posts seem to focus on frustration with or resentment of husbands or male partners who aren’t, in the poster’s opinion, carrying their fair share of that mental load. The comments on these posts are full of hostility, often seeming to pit women and men against each other. 

I have to confess I’ve found these discussions puzzling. Not because I don’t recognize or understand the concept of mental load, because of course I do. But the hostility does puzzle me, as does what appears in many cases to be the underlying resentment some women feel toward some of the demands of motherhood as they are experiencing it. It seems these experiences and feelings would certainly make it harder to make a life that matters. 

Because I want to understand better the experiences many women seem to be having as women and moms, I decided to do some research into the concept of mental load, the experiences many women are having of it, and how we can find ways to manage and share that load so that each of us can continue to define, pursue, and make a life that matters. 

The Definition of "Mental Load"

According to a post by UCLA Health, “Mental load typically refers to the behind-the-scenes, cognitive and emotional work needed to manage a household. Examples are meal planning, scheduling and generally meeting the needs of every family member. The mental tasks you take on at work can also add to your total load."

Another article on the Mind Body Green website notes that “the mental load is about not the physical tasks but rather the overseeing of those tasks. It's being the one in charge of having the never-ending list of to-do items constantly running in your head, remembering what needs to get done and when, delegating all the tasks to respective family members, and making sure they actually get done.” 

One writer refers to it as “the work that keeps you up at night”: “When you or your partner puts their head on the pillow at night or has a moment in a quiet car ride, the noise that swirls around in the brain is the mental load. . . . When should we schedule the next pediatrician appointment? Will I have time to get to the grocery store to get food for our guests before their flight gets in? Wait, do they have food allergies? The baby’s stuffed animal is in the wash, and he gets fussy without it. Does the dog need to go to the vet?” 

Yet another definition from the Better Help website: “Mental load definition: mental load is the cognitive effort involved in managing your work, relationships, a family, and a household. Mental load is the whole bundle of details you manage throughout the day.

Mental Load and a Life that Matters – TPW489

There is no doubt that alone time is an essential part of our self-care. But totally isolating ourselves can be harmful to our psyche. In this episode we're talking about the art of balancing solo and social time.



Finding the right balance between solo and social time can help us be more productive (in all the best ways)

After some recent conversations with my husband about introversion, solitude, and loneliness, I’ve been thinking a lot about the need for both time alone and time with other people--and how to balance those competing needs. I started researching what’s been written about that and thought I’d share a bit of what I’ve found. The general consensus seems to be that whether you're juggling a career, family, or simply the daily demands of life, finding that sweet spot between solitude and socialization is key to our well-being and productivity.

 The Significance of "Me Time"

Let's start with why "Me Time" is not just a luxury—it's a necessity--and not just for introverts. According to a study published in The Journal of Personality in 2021, “extroverts also get exhausted from social interactions and need time to recharge themselves” [from Why you must strike a balance between socialising and me-time].  

Why? In addition to just the rest and recharging we get, solo time is our chance for self-reflection, self-discovery, and personal growth. It's when we can really tune into our own needs, desires, and who we are at our core. This makes solitude important for fostering a strong sense of self-identity. 

But it's not just about knowing ourselves—it's also about taking care of ourselves. Whether it's through meditation, a hobby, or just sitting quietly with our thoughts, these moments alone are vital for stress relief and emotional health.  

Women often put their own needs last, focusing instead on caring for others. But taking time for oneself isn't selfish—it's essential. Solitude allows for deeper self-reflection, which is crucial for personal growth and understanding one's own needs.

 The Role of Social Interactions

While solo time is very important, we can't underestimate the value of social interactions--even for introverts. Our relationships with friends, family, and colleagues not only offer emotional support but also help us feel connected and valued. According to Tanu Choksi, a counselling psychologist based in Mumbai, social interactions “release dopamine and serotonin and make you feel good about yourself, alleviating anxiety and stress, increasing confidence levels, self-esteem, etc.”  

In the same article where Choksi was quoted on that point, another Mumbai-based psychotherapist is quoted as citing numerous studies indicating that “indicate people who have satisfying relationships with family, friends, and their larger community are happier, have fewer health problems, and live longer.” 

And let's not forget about networking. In the professional world, building and maintaining connections can open up new opportunities and pathways for growth. Most professionals and entrepreneurs need to invest time in social interactions--whether through conferences, networking events, or even in-office events--in order to build their careers, their client bases, and even their knowledge base. 

Finding that balance is crucial. Networking and socializing can lead to incredible opportunities, professionally and personally, but the experts I consulted agree it's about quality over quantity.

The Art of Balancing Solo and Social Time – TPW488

We all have specific tasks we need to complete each day, whether for our employment or in our home. The tools we use can make all the difference. In this week's episode I share some of the tools I use for efficient work.

 



Having the right tools on hand can make for a more productive satisfying workday

As I was working this past week I started thinking about the things I do--systems and tools I’ve set up over the years--to make sure I can get my work done effectively and efficiently. I’ve been doing this for a long time, but over the years I’ve learned so much from seeing how other people get their work done. I thought I’d take a few minutes to share with you what’s working for me

By way of context, my job is as a commercial real estate transactional lawyer. This involves multiple clients and multiple transactions. Every client is assigned a number, and each transaction for that has its own number. There are lots of documents to draft, using forms and precedents. Lots of email and lots of phone/Teams/Zoom calls. I am required to keep track of my time on each matter in 6-minute increments.

Priorities: 


    * Excellent work 
    * Responsiveness to clients 
    * Efficiency (to minimize clients’ legal bills) 


The key to achieving those priorities is maximizing my use of time, energy, and attention--and my workspace 

I've found that the best ways of doing that are establishing consistency -- always doing the same things the same way; always put things in the same places--and routines, which minimizes decision fatigue and allows my brain to settle into the work with less distraction

Key tasks and tools for accomplishing them


    * Software: 

    * Basic software package the firm provides: Office 365 suite (Word, Outlook (for email, calendar), Teams, Excel, One Note); Litera package (for comparing documents); Net Documents (document management); Orion (time and expense tracking) 
    * My additional software tools: TextExpander, Dropbox, ScanSnap, Zoom, <a href="https://www.lastpass.com/?utm_source=google&utm;_medium=cpc&utm;_campaign=19546987156&utm;_term=lastpass&utm;_content=146499740633&gad;_source=1&gclid;=Cj0KCQjwk6SwBhDPARIsAJ59Gwc_SG8sHnoHOR0qawPMsgVSnDyMOHbgf9APWDcOPlti...

My Tools for Efficient Work – TPW487

In this latest episode of our recurring Productive Reading series, we look at Elaine Fox, PhD's fascinating book, Switch Craft: The Hidden Power of Mental Agility.



Dr. Elaine Fox's book, Switch Craft, helps us build the skills to help us navigate a constantly changing world

This week we're continuing our Productive Reading recurring series. In the past, we’ve talked about the lessons and key takeaways I found in books about productivity-related topics that I’ve found helpful and thought-provoking, including books by authors like Gary Keller, Charles Duhigg, Brené Brown, Courtney Carver, Jeff Sanders, James Clear, Michael Hyatt, Maura Nevel Thomas, Joshua Becker, Greg McKeown, Cal Newport, Dominique Sachse, Laura Vanderkam, Nir Eyal, and most recently talking about an intriguing book by Dr. Anna Lembke, called Dopamine Nation (episode 474). (Scroll to the bottom of this post for links to the previous episodes in the Productive Reading series.

 This time I’m sharing some of my most important takeaways from a book recommended by someone in the TPW community: Switch Craft, by Elaine Fox, Ph.D. 

Who is Elaine Fox

 The book's back cover copy tells us that “Elaine Fox, PhD, is a psychologist, author, and the head of the School of Psychology at the University of Adelaide, Australia. Prior to her move to Australia, Dr. Fox founded and directed the renowned Oxford Centre for Emotions and Affective Neuroscience (OCEAN) at the University of Oxford. She is a leading mental health researcher, combining genetics, psychology, and neuroscience in her work. Dr. Fox also runs Oxford Elite Performance, a consulting group bringing cutting-edge science and psychology to those at the top levels of sport, business, and the military. Her 2012 book Rainy Brain, Sunny Brain is an international bestseller.”

Why did I read this book

This book was recommended by someone in the TPW community in a discussion in the Facebook group--I’m sorry but I can’t recall who it was and couldn’t find the post. The title and description intrigued me, as one of my lifelong weaknesses is that I struggle to cope with change and especially with uncertainty. At the beginning of the book, she included two epigraphs--quotes that she clearly thought were relevant to the book’s topic. One is a quote from Gautama Buddha that resonated with me: “Freedom and happiness are found in the flexibility and ease with which we move through change.” 

This is another book for which I first bought the Audible version, and there was so much in it that I wanted to be able to think about that I bought a print version of it so I could re-read and annotate passages I wanted to ponder more.

The book is subtitled: The Hidden Power of Mental Agility. The more I looked into it, the more interested I became.  

“Harnessing the power of an agile mind--what I call “switch craft”--can be transformative.” 

What “switch craft” is:

 “Switch craft refers to those natural skills that are necessary to help us navigate a complex and unpredictable world.” It’s the ability to adapt to change and choose the right tools to cope with challenges, obstacles, and stresses of life. 

An “agile” mindset: “the capacity to flex our thoughts, feelings, and actions” as needed to address the inevitable change and challenges life brings

The book is divided into several parts

There is a brief introduction that introduces the context of the book and the problem the book is intended to solve. The section called “The Fundamentals” consists of four chapters that explain “Why Switc...

Productive Reading: Switch Craft, by Elaine Fox, PhD – TPW486

Often, the belongings we have in our home reflect a life lived well, time spent with family and friends, and other cherished memories. But getting rid of an item doesn't mean we forget the memories.



Swedish Death Cleaning can benefit us now and our loved ones after we're gone

Swedish Death Cleaning, or "döstädning" in Swedish, is a methodical approach to decluttering that encourages individuals, especially (but not only!) those who are older, to simplify their lives and possessions to ease the burden on loved ones who will handle their estate after they pass away. The concept has been around for a while in Swedish and Scandinavian cultures but began to gain international attention when the book The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning, written by Swedish artist Margareta Magnusson, was published in 2017. 

This method gains profound significance when considered within the context of women's lives. Historically, women have often been the custodians of family heirlooms, caretakers of homes, and the keepers of family memories. This role, while rich and fulfilling, also comes with the responsibility of managing a multitude of possessions that accumulate over a lifetime. Swedish Death Cleaning offers a dignified, practical approach to managing these possessions, ensuring that the legacy left behind is one of love, simplicity, and thoughtfulness, rather than a burden of clutter for loved ones to sort through. 

I had heard of the concept a while ago but only recently decided to look into it. I read Ms. Magnusson’s book and other materials and thought I’d share with you what I’ve learned regarding its principles, benefits, and practical steps.

Introduction to Swedish Death Cleanin

Definition: The concept of "döstädning," a hybrid of the Swedish words for death ("dö") and cleaning ("städning"). A Good Housekeeping article describes it this way: “Swedish death cleaning is a well-known concept in Swedish and Scandinavian culture, where you work on eliminating unnecessary items from your home, so loved ones won't be burdened with the task after you pass.” 

Origins: As I understand it, the concept of Swedish Death Cleaning developed within the context of Swedish culture, which prioritizes simplicity, efficiency, sustainability, cleanliness, order, and a considerate attitude towards family and friends. If you’ve been listening for a few years you might remember our guest in episode 231, Swedish journalist Jane Andersson, who introduced us to the Swedish value of lagom, roughly translated as “not too much, not too little.” Swedish death cleaning reflects that value in its focus on eliminating anything that’s unnecessary, both to make your own life simpler and to make things easier on your loved ones after you’re gone.  

The Swedish Death Cleaning Bible notes that “By tidying up one’s life systematically, people ensure that their loved ones are not burdened with the task later.”

Philosophical Underpinnings 


    Mindfulness and Materialism: Swedish death cleaning encourages mindfulness about the accumulation of possessions and challenges societal norms around materialism. 



10 Essentials for Making a Life that Matters – TPW172

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