I’ll admit it: when I’m dating, my first instinct is often to ask myself, Does he like me? Am I being attractive enough, charming enough, funny enough? I’ve caught myself twisting into shapes, trying to present the most appealing version of myself, so that someone else will choose me.

But here’s the truth — that’s a trap. When all of our energy is focused outward, on whether they like us, we forget to ask a much more important question: Do I even like them?

Do I feel good in their presence? Do I feel seen, alive, playful, sexy? Or am I shrinking? Dulling my light? Holding back parts of myself?

Because the real test of a connection isn’t just whether they find us attractive, it’s how we feel when we’re with them. Some people bring out different parts of our personality.

Around certain men, I feel playful and vibrant. Around others, I feel guarded, or even small. That tells me more about the connection than any flattering text or lingering look.

For me, with my history of anxious attachment, this has been a hard lesson to learn. There’s still a little girl inside me who desperately wants to be loved, whether or not I truly care for the person in front of me.

That longing can sometimes hijack my attention, pulling me away from the most important truth: love is not just about being chosen. It’s about choosing, too.

When we only focus on “Do they like me?” we give our power away. We let their opinions determine our worth, instead of standing in the truth of who we are.

But when we shift the focus to “How do I feel with this person?” we reclaim that power. We honour our needs, our joy, our sensuality. We stop auditioning and start evaluating. That’s a huge shift — and one that makes dating not only healthier, but so much more fun.

💗 How do I feel in their presence?

Do I feel safe, relaxed, and open — or anxious, tense, and self-conscious?

🌸 Do I like who I am when I’m with them?

Do they bring out my playful side, my sensual side, my best self? Or do I feel like I’m performing?

✨ Do I feel sexy and alive?

Do they light me up, make me feel vibrant, and see me as the sensual woman I am?

🪞 Am I showing up as me?

Yes, I’m responsible for my energy. But am I able to be fully myself in their presence, or am I editing, dimming, or managing myself to please them?

🌹 Do I actually want this person in my life?

Not “Do they want me?” but “Do I want them?” Do I admire them, respect them, feel inspired by them?

Dating isn’t about contorting ourselves into the woman someone else wants. It’s about being fully ourselves, and then noticing who delights in that, and how we feel in their company.

Because at the end of the day, we’re not just looking for someone to like us. We’re looking for a relationship that lights us up, that feels good, that allows us to be both our strong and our tender selves.

And that starts with asking the right question. Not “Does he like me?” but “How do I feel when I’m with him?”

💬 What about you? Do you find yourself slipping into the trap of wondering if someone likes you — instead of asking if you actually like them?

After a date, it’s easy to spiral into questions like, Did he like me? Will he call? What did he think of me?

But here’s the truth: the more powerful questions are about you.

Use this gentle check-in to ground yourself after each date:

🌸 How did I feel in his presence?

Did I feel safe, comfortable, playful, alive — or anxious, drained, or self-conscious?

💃 Did he bring out my best self?

Was I laughing, relaxed, and fully me? Or was I performing, holding back, or managing myself?

✨ Did I feel attractive and sensual?

Not just because he complimented me, but because his energy made me feel lit up in my own skin.

🪞 Do I admire and respect him?

Is there something about his character, his values, or his presence that I genuinely like?

🌹 Do I want to see him again?

Not “Would he want to see me again?” but “Do I actually want to spend more time with him?”

💗 What part of me was activated?

Did he connect with the real, grown-up woman in me… or was it that little girl who just wants to be loved at any cost?

Love

Ayesha

PS I wrote a song about how do you feel when you’re with someone - it’s on my The Dating Lounge (Volume 1) album on Spotify and other music streaming platforms.

How Do I Feel With You on Spotify