Welcome back to Filthee News Radio...where the truth got outsourced to the gig economy.

In today’s episode:“Hospitality Care” – because who needs universal healthcare... when you have Airbnb and vibes?

It’s official.Starting this summer, if you want surgery in the U.S.,you’ll need to scroll past bachelorette party listings...just to find a vacant ICU bed with good Wi-Fi.

Yes.The American healthcare system is now bookable.

Prices start at three hundred seventy-nine dollars a night.Not including... the cleaning fee... emotional baggage handling...and a seventy-nine dollar surcharge...for crying too loud during your CAT scan.

Need a doctor?There’s an optional virtual assistant available between two and four A.M...assuming they’re not double-booked for a hernia... and a bachelor party.

Don’t worry if you’re uninsured.You can always earn a partial refund...by leaving a thoughtful review of your pain.

Sample listing?“Minimalist Trauma Suite, downtown-adjacent. Shared nurse.Decor: aspirational.”Four stars.Quote... “Would code blue again.”

The White House called the initiative...“a bold step into decentralized triage.”President Trump congratulated Airbnb, adding:“People love Airbnbs.They’ll love this one even more...because the minibar is full of morphine.”

And if you’re wondering what happened to Medicare...Well...it now comes with blackout dates, peak season pricing...and a shared towel policy.

That’s all from Filthee News Radio.

Remember:In twenty twenty-five... you don’t go to the hospital.You check in.And don’t forget to rate your hemorrhage... five stars.

Stay Filthee.Stay subscribed.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit filtheenews.substack.com/subscribe