How Do You Argue?: 3 Modes That Fail

Do you find yourself stuck in arguments in your marriage that never get anywhere?  Or maybe it is just a matter of useless “discussions”?

I was recently reading a book, and the author (Adam Grant) was noting 3 modes of communication that keep us stuck right where we are.  They were not just communication patterns, but thought patterns.  Grant noted there are 3 roles we easily fall into… and 1 mode that gets you out.

Here is the problem… the 3 roles that don’t work?  They are so easy to fall into.  In fact, as soon as I read about them, I was quick to see them in people all around me.  I noticed how so many people were interacting with me from those 3 roles.

And then, I took a big breath.  Because I needed to do a little self-check… a look in the mirror.  What role(s) do I fall into?  What was MY default?

More importantly, how could I make a shift to a better mode?

Here’s the thing:  we argue in the attempt to change the perspective or thoughts of another person… and they are doing the exact same thing.  No surprise that there is no change, right?  So we already know that the roles we play in arguing don’t work.  And yet (me looking in the mirror), it is easy to still slip right back into the same pattern.  We continue to do it again.  In hopes of a better outcome.

RELATED RESOURCES

Adam Grant’s Book, Think Again

Connecting is Critical

Understanding and Empathy

The Dangers of Convincing

Save The Marriage System