On today’s episode of “The Language of Love,” Dr. Laura Berman discusses one of the most common issues she sees in her sex therapy practice: Mismatched libidos.

“Whenever one partner has more desire than the other partner, you’re looking at a powder keg,” says Dr. Berman. “It may not seem so at first. But as one partner keeps saying ‘no’ and the other partner keeps dealing with that rejection, over time it can really become an explosive situation.”

Dr. Berman says one of the main reasons mismatched libido can lead to divorce is because lack of sex often leads to lack of physical intimacy and then lack of emotional intimacy as well.

“When sex falls by the wayside, what often happens is that cuddling, kissing, hand-holding, and snuggling often go away too,” says Dr. Berman. “A woman may reject being cuddled or getting massaged because she fears it is going to lead to sex, and if she’s not in the mood, she may just want to shut down any physical intimacy altogether.”

Dr. Berman says that when cuddling and physical touch disappear, then romance tends to follow suit.

“Then, the pet names disappear and the little signs of affection, like bringing home flowers or going on date nights or making her a special dinner just to surprise her,” says Dr. Berman. “His needs are getting met in the bedroom so he can’t meet her needs outside the bedroom. It becomes a vicious circle.”

Dr. Berman says it’s not just women who suffer from low libido, but men as well.

“When men have low desire, it presents differently from women,” says the sex therapist. “Oftentimes, stress or shame or fear of performance issues can lead a man to avoid sex. If he is struggling with erectile dysfunction, he may try to avoid sex because it is humiliating for him. Or if he is out of work or not able to provide for his family, I find that this kind of stress also leads men to shut down in the bedroom. When men feel stressed or emasculated, they often cope by turning to porn and masturbation instead of wanting to connect with their actual partner in the bedroom.”

So what can couples do to address mismatched libidos and ensure that both sex and romance stay alive in their relationship? Listen to this very important episode of “The Language of Love” to find out!

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