John shares his journey with grief and how celebrity photoshop nude fakes have given him solace. He'll discuss how he's been able to cope with writer's block since his mother's death, and how he's hoping to take his hobby to the next level. Tune in for an intimate look into his healing process, and come out with a newfound perspective on grief.

Host Brianne Davis provides helpful advice, poignant stories, and plenty of laughter. Join John on this emotional, heartfelt journey to find healing and hope on Secret Life.

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If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

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Transcript

[0:00:00] John: My favorite actress, for example, she'll never, like, do like, nude scenes or anything like that, so I kind of look at the fakes. This is kind of fantasy.

[0:00:19] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast.

[0:00:22] Brianne Davis: Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine.

[0:00:30] Brianne Davis: Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood sex and love Addict. A four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon.

[0:01:01] Brianne Davis: Welcome to Secret Live Podcast. I'm Brianne. Davis-Gantt. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really the how, what, one way, or live at all. Today. My guest is John. Now, John, I have a question for you. What is your secret?

[0:01:27] John: So my secret is I collect celebrity photoshop, nude, fakes.

[0:01:32] Brianne Davis: How long have you been doing that?

[0:01:34] John: Since 2000.

[0:01:36] Brianne Davis: 2000, okay, so dive in. What made you start doing that? Did you create them yourself? Like, take me back when that all started. Was something going on?

[0:01:48] John: No, I didn't create any at that time. Basically what had happened is I was watching a new TV show that had just come out, I think, andromeda andromeda yeah, it's like a side fiction TV show.

[0:02:03] John: Yeah.

[0:02:04] John: I liked one of the actresses and so I pretty much went to Google, looked for her nude, and stumbled across the fake. And that was the first fake I ever found of her.

[0:02:16] Brianne Davis: Okay.

[0:02:17] Brianne Davis: Did you buy it or do you.

[0:02:18] Brianne Davis: Just take it from is it free? How does that work?

[0:02:22] John: Free? I just found it on Google image search.

[0:02:26] Brianne Davis: Okay.

[0:02:27] John: And pretty much like, just copied the image to my computer at the time was really old.

[0:02:36] Brianne Davis: What do you think it is about the fake? Because there are a lot of celebrity nudes that are real, but you only like the fake ones.

[0:02:44] John: No, it's more back then, she had never done that. Okay, so it's more of a fantasy thing.

[0:02:57] Brianne Davis: Yes. So you've been doing that for almost 23 years.

[0:03:02] John: Yeah, it's slowed down quite a bit. I don't collect as much anymore. Basically, if I see one I like, I just download it and stick it with the rest of them.

[0:03:15] Brianne Davis: So how many do you think you have that's embarrassing? Well, that's why we are here. This is a show where we get to say all those embarrassing things. I have been there. I have said very many embarrassing things.

[0:03:29] John: So I have about last count, over 15,000.

[0:03:34] Brianne Davis: 15,000?

[0:03:36] John: Yeah. Over.

[0:03:37] John: Wow.

[0:03:38] Brianne Davis: Over. Oh, my God. What do you do with them? They just sit there. Do you go through them? Do you, like, celebrate that? Like, what do you do with them?

[0:03:47] John: Sometimes I just look at them and admire the work that went into them. Because some of them you can really tell because some people who make them just do a crappy don't put an effort into it.

[0:04:04] John: Yeah.

[0:04:05] Brianne Davis: So you almost see them as artwork.

[0:04:07] John: Yeah.

[0:04:08] Brianne Davis: And then do you find someone you like or you don't know, and then you go watch all their movies or their TV shows?

[0:04:14] John: Sometimes. And there are some that I found and liked and then later just hated them. Because see, I think I have an OCD thing, and I see one minor detail that's off, and it bugs me.

[0:04:36] Brianne Davis: That's all you focus on.

[0:04:37] John: Yeah.

[0:04:38] Brianne Davis: Got it. So if it's a bad art, if it's bad, do you keep that or do you throw that away or you still keep it?

[0:04:46] John: I keep it. I guess there's some that are just not great that I keep. I think keeping them is nostalgia's sake.

[0:04:54] John: Got it.

[0:04:55] Brianne Davis: So it's almost like somebody collecting baseball cards or something. It sounds like there's this compulsion to it a bit.

[0:05:04] John: Yeah. In the last couple of years, I've kind of started semi getting out of it.

[0:05:11] Brianne Davis: Okay. What does that mean?

[0:05:15] John: I used to look for new ones pretty much every day. Nowadays I look maybe every couple of weeks.

[0:05:26] Brianne Davis: Oh. So what's been going on where you've decreased the searching for them in your life?

[0:05:33] John: Maybe as I get older, I just don't enjoy them as much.

[0:05:36] Brianne Davis: Does anybody in your life know about them?

[0:05:40] John: Three people.

[0:05:41] Brianne Davis: Three people? Who are those three people?

[0:05:43] John: Two were by choice, and one was not by choice.

[0:05:46] Brianne Davis: Oh, so you got caught?

[0:05:48] John: Yeah. So basically the one who caught me was one of my female cousins.

[0:05:55] Brianne Davis: Oh, no. So you went on your computer and and saw them?

[0:05:58] John: I had collected some early this was back in high school, and I had collected some mended day at school. And I brought them home, loaded them on the computer, and forgot to close the images out. She came up to visit, came up to my room and walked in, and I turned around to something else, and all I heard was, what's this?

[0:06:24] Brianne Davis: Oh, my God. Did your stomach drop?

[0:06:27] John: That's one way of putting it in.

[0:06:30] Brianne Davis: Okay. What happened?

[0:06:31] John: We're like sheer panic.

[0:06:33] John: Yeah.

[0:06:34] John: And it's like, adjoked by folks.

[0:06:37] Brianne Davis: How old were you at the time?

[0:06:39] John: Between 16 and 18. And she never did she pretty much.

[0:06:46] Brianne Davis: Just kept that secret?

[0:06:48] John: Yeah. She pretty much said, this is normal. Looking at this kind of stuff is normal, and sat down and just looked through them. And she, like, recognized some of the celebrities. The other two were by choice. This is what I've been doing.

[0:07:08] Brianne Davis: Who were they?

[0:07:09] John: Just good friends.

[0:07:10] Brianne Davis: Okay. And what they say?

[0:07:12] John: Pretty much same thing. Like that kind of stuff is normal.

[0:07:15] John: Yeah.

[0:07:15] Brianne Davis: Looking at porno images and all that is completely normal. But the difference between yours is that they're fake and you know they're fake. So what about it? Do you like that aspect of it that I'm curious about, that you know they're not real, but you still like them.

[0:07:31] John: Well, I guess the closest fantasy, because some celebrities will never do, like, nude scenes or pose nude for magazines. Like, my favorite actress, for example. One of my favorite actresses is named Danielle Panabaker. She'll never do, like, nude scenes or anything like that, so I kind of look at the fakes. This is kind of fantasy.

[0:08:02] Brianne Davis: Yeah, it's complete fantasy. And do you think with looking at those, that it keeps you distant from having a relationship in real life or no.

[0:08:14] John: You mean like a girlfriend or yeah, not really. I kind of don't have much interest in a girlfriend at this point.

[0:08:25] Brianne Davis: Oh, really? Have you ever had a girlfriend?

[0:08:27] John: No, I've just never had the interest.

[0:08:31] Brianne Davis: Okay, here's my question for you. When did you start looking at pornographic images? At what age do you think?

[0:08:39] John: REM high school days.

[0:08:41] Brianne Davis: High school?

[0:08:44] John: I think the first one was Playboy.

[0:08:46] Brianne Davis: So when we look at those images a lot and I've done a lot of work around this, it desensitizes our own sexuality, because then the fantasy is more it becomes everything instead of the reality. The reality of a person being with another person or a woman doesn't match the fantasy. Do you think that's true?

[0:09:10] John: I guess it depends. Now, with fakes, usually people get aroused by this stuff. I don't.

[0:09:21] Brianne Davis: You don't? No, not at all.

[0:09:24] John: Well, I mean, back when I first started collecting, maybe. No.

[0:09:29] Brianne Davis: So interesting. Not at all. So when you look at it and it's just like, oh, that's a great fake, they did a good job with taking her face and putting it on. That's what you look at mostly than the nude.

[0:09:43] John: Yeah, pretty much. Like, a few years ago, I used to use fakes as wallpapers on, like, my tablet.

[0:09:50] Brianne Davis: Yeah.

[0:09:51] John: But now I don't do that much anymore.

[0:09:54] Brianne Davis: Okay.

[0:09:55] John: Mostly because I go out in public a lot now.

[0:09:58] Brianne Davis: So you're getting out of the house?

[0:10:00] John: Yeah.

[0:10:01] Brianne Davis: That's probably why you've been doing less, do you believe? Because you said it's been, like, less used to do it every day and now you're doing it weekly.

[0:10:10] John: Yeah, it's actually possible. I have a few friends I hang out with, and so that kind of helps.

[0:10:18] Brianne Davis: It does help. It does help. I believe when we are stuck with these images, especially when they are fantasy, when we deny ourselves that authentic connection with other human beings, we miss out. And the moment you open yourself up to that and you're getting out of the computer screen with these images and with actual friends, that's what is a real connection.

[0:10:41] John: And I think I started heavily collecting quite a few years ago because of grief?

[0:10:48] John: Yeah.

[0:10:49] Brianne Davis: What were you going through?

[0:10:50] John: My mom died from cancer about 1011 years ago, and that's about when I started heavily collecting.

[0:10:59] John: Yeah.

[0:10:59] Brianne Davis: That's where you found comfort, right?

[0:11:01] John: Yeah.

[0:11:02] Brianne Davis: Not feeling alone. A huge loss.

[0:11:05] John: Yeah. And I read this article online about how one guy got into fakes and it completely destroyed his life.

[0:11:15] John: Yeah.

[0:11:16] Brianne Davis: What did he say in the article? Why it destroyed his life.

[0:11:19] John: He decided to start looking at fakes at his place of employment. I can safely say I've never done.

[0:11:31] Brianne Davis: You haven't done that?

[0:11:32] John: No. But the article also did the flip side where it actually saved somebody's life because I guess, like me, they lost their mother.

[0:11:42] John: Yeah.

[0:11:43] John: And they were thinking about ending stuff, so I guess that saved them.

[0:11:49] Brianne Davis: Well, it did, because we reach for those outside things that we feel connected to, and it doesn't feel safe with another human being, especially if you lost somebody so important to you so they can give you that outlet of connection.

[0:12:02] John: Yeah, I can agree with that.

[0:12:04] Brianne Davis: Have you been doing work on the loss and the trauma of it with your mom?

[0:12:09] John: Yeah, I had a therapist for a while. I think I'm kind of there now. Not easy. Never really all that easy.

[0:12:19] Brianne Davis: No, grief is never easy. We run from grief. But are you finally feeling like you've felt it and moving through it?

[0:12:27] John: Yeah, I think so. I've also got friends I talked to about it, too.

[0:12:32] Brianne Davis: Oh, good.

[0:12:34] John: One of my friends went through the same thing, actually.

[0:12:38] Brianne Davis: Well, that always helps when I'm going through a hard time to find a group of people that have been through similar situations and they have them online. All over online as well. Grief and loss groups.

[0:12:50] John: Yeah. I found this app, actually, called Seven Cups. Kind of like a sort of therapy app where you can go and talk to people.

[0:12:59] John: Yeah.

[0:13:00] John: And it's kind of helped me a bit.

[0:13:02] Brianne Davis: Good.

[0:13:03] John: Now, I have to admit, back when this all happened, I did used to make them.

[0:13:09] Brianne Davis: You did used to make them for a short period. And what did that feel like when you were actually making the fake nude photos of celebrities?

[0:13:18] John: That's hard to describe. Proud that I made one that looked decent, actually, because I still have one I made that is still my favorite.

[0:13:29] Brianne Davis: What is it? Who is it?

[0:13:31] John: Her name is Cody Depblo from the TV show NCIS. And it was like a lingerie style fake, not even nude. And that's still my favorite one I've made.

[0:13:44] Brianne Davis: I know her. She's very nice. But here's the thing. I did want to ask you this, and I know probably our listeners are wondering, do you ever think of the actual person you're doing the nude of? Like, when you're cutting out their face or you're seeing their face and you know that's not them? Do you ever actually think of that.

[0:14:06] John: Person in what way?

[0:14:08] Brianne Davis: I don't know. If they choose not to be nude and then someone puts their face on a new body, have you ever thought about how that could make them feel?

[0:14:16] John: Yeah, that's kind of why I stopped.

[0:14:19] Brianne Davis: Oh, tell me about it. So you had that thought. What was the feelings that came up?

[0:14:23] John: Pretty much just yeah, maybe they don't want this. Yeah, let's not do this.

[0:14:28] John: Yeah.

[0:14:29] Brianne Davis: That they're a human being as well.

[0:14:31] John: Yeah, pretty much that.

[0:14:32] John: Yeah.

[0:14:33] Brianne Davis: And do you think that was one of the reasons about hanging out with friends more, getting out into the world and then that realization that they're humans as well?

[0:14:41] John: Yeah, quite a bit, actually. And I haven't made one in seven, nine years.

[0:14:49] Brianne Davis: Well, it seems like you're kind of an artist, too. Have you ever thought of trying to do something even different with your art because you enjoy art?

[0:14:57] John: It seems like I kind of have. I've started not officially, not like paid stuff, just editing images into wallpapers and just like posting it to a deviant arc page.

[0:15:14] Brianne Davis: I think you'd be great at it. There's something in it that inspires you, and I think it takes dedication and you have that. I don't know.

[0:15:23] John: Yeah, I used to have something that was like that, but I used to write quite a bit.

[0:15:28] Brianne Davis: Maybe it's time to pick it back up.

[0:15:30] John: The issue is, ever since my mother died, I've had writer's block.

[0:15:35] Brianne Davis: I know. And believe me, I know, writer's block and all that and trauma and all that, but it's like maybe you reaching out to me and wanting to come on and share the secret isn't a way for you to step through it now.

[0:15:49] John: Yeah, that could be a good way of looking at it. And I've started dabbling with writing a bit more.

[0:15:56] John: Good.

[0:16:00] Brianne Davis: Well, I'm so grateful you came on. I'm so grateful to have this conversation. I never expected to have this conversation. It's been beautiful and I understanding so much. And thank you for reaching out to me.

[0:16:14] John: Yeah, no problem.

[0:16:15] Brianne Davis: And if you want to be on the show, please email me at [email protected]. Until next time.

[0:16:27] Brianne Davis: Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast.com. And if you like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again.

[0:16:44] Brianne Davis: See you soon.

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