When it comes to dating and relationships, people sure have a lot of timing rules: it’s too soon to talk about marriage, I can’t meet his/her parents until we’re officially a couple, it’s too late to have kids. These rules are fueled by a fear of loss and lack of trust in yourself. They serve as a crutch because they feel safe, but they can also be used to judge yourself, “Things fell apart because I did this too soon!”

Your readiness should be determined by how you feel, not some artificial timeline. For example, when it comes to physical intimacy, instead of following the three-date rule, engage when you feel ready. If you’re unsure, connect with your feelings and ask why you want to (or don’t want to) be intimate. Your answer should come from inside, not from societal “norms” or what other people think is appropriate. When you learn to trust your feelings, they won’t lead you astray. It’s not a matter of when; it’s getting clear on what you want and how you feel that should determine your course.

Each time you impose these external timelines it reinforces your distrust of yourself. If you’re afraid of scaring someone off or appearing needy, you have to ask yourself if you’re anticipating problems based on old stories. Someone who is emotionally available will not be scared away by open dialogue. If you feel yourself saying “It’s too soon for X,” ask what your afraid of losing. Let go of control and break your timing rules by saying what is true regardless of what the other person says or does. Trusting yourself comes from breaking old patterns and learning you can handle whatever happens.