Our idea of healthy relationships is skewed by TV shows, rom coms and even classic literature that reinforces fantasy. They highlight the highs and lows of relationships, romanticizing drama. Women, in particular, wait for their prince charming, dismissing anyone who doesn’t take their breath away or create a colony of butterflies in their stomach. This is dangerous because instead of looking for a healthy relationship, you end up chasing unhealthy. And the worst part is you don’t even realize you’re going after the wrong thing, believing the fantasy you see and read is reality. It’s not.

To use an example of how insecure attachment is represented (and even romanticized) in the media, I’ll turn to that iconic show from 20 years ago, “Sex and the City.” Wow, has it been that long? Each character avoided intimacy in different ways. Samantha used sex (physical intimacy) to avoid emotional intimacy. Charlotte avoided through perfectionism, Miranda by burying herself in work and trying to control everything while Carrie jumped from relationship to relationship, never being able to detach from a totally avoidant Mr. Big. Yes, the show was a drama so dramatic relationships are to be expected, and on some level you know it’s not real, but those examples seep into your subconscious. There were even quizzes to determine which SATC character you were most like, bridging the gap between fantasy and reality.

Your life is not a TV show, and chasing dramatic relationships will not lead to happiness. The next time you catch yourself comparing your life to a movie or TV show, turn it off. Drama is entertaining, but it’s not something to aspire to. It’s like chocolate: it gives you momentary pleasure, but you can’t live off it. Remember, those roller coaster feelings have nothing to do with healthy relationships—no matter what the media suggests. Reality, in all its “boringness,” is actually an amazing place to live.