David Waldman counts the days until our next big national funding crisis. Crises more than two weeks off seem like science fiction, don’t they? Won’t we have solved it with AI by then? AI might be a lousy search engine, but it will argue with you as well as any idiot. “Giving a woman an orgasm on purpose is gay” is not AI, but an actual idiot’s opinion. AI also could never have predicted what really motivated economically anxious Republicans in the election.

President Joe Biden will hopefully prioritize KITM staff pardons, but Liz Cheney and Anthony Fauci are probably first in line.

The "Deny, Defend, Depose" shooter is still at large, flashing his dashing Gyllenhaalian smile while cleverly changing his backpack color, number of coat pockets, and means of transportation to elude the authorities, as ballads are sung of his exploits. We are reminded that it’s unseemly to pattern one’s social movement on the acts of law breakers. Now someone else at United Healthcare will need to sign off on hundreds of millions in ransomware payments.

Devout breeder Elon Musk isn’t quite a devout Christian but is ok with you worshiping him. Elon sits at the right hand of Trump, because he outbid all of the other saviors. Musk spent $20 million on a fake “RBG” PAC, because the only thing more important that control to Elon is trolling.

Trump’s working on the budget as well, helping weed out any funding not going to an Elon Musk venture, even if it means firing Louis DeJoy. Instead of a gold standard, perhaps we can base our economy on pump and dumping meme stocks? Hawk Tuah!

House Republicans blocked release of the Matt Gaetz ethics report, because they can.  Democratic Representative Sean Casten might still force them to release it, though.