David Waldman and Greg Dworkin are here today, and that’s something, isn’t it?

Think, what do Hillary Clinton and Kamala Harris have in common? Well, they’re both women who… Whoa, whoa, whoa! It seems we Libs are already off on the wrong track! The answer is, as always, economic anxiety.  Just ask any cornered last minute swing voter if bigotry or fear or economic anxiety swayed them, and of course they’ll tell you it was economic anxiety all along. After all, it is the singular topic that the trad wife and bro casters have been talking nonstop about… Right? (I don’t know, I have a life, so I don’t listen.)

Your new administration, however, has listened to everyone’s concerns and will address all of your economic anxiety like nothing you've seen. Chock full o’ cabi-nuts are now standing by to make America everything it deserves to be... as soon as they score a piece. According to police reports, Pete Hegseth dry humped a Republican women's conference event before serving a Jason Miller cocktail to a Jane Doe who attempted to prevent him from doing his patriotic duty. Meanwhile, Linda McMahon is set to shatter the glass cellar floor, joining her husband and Jim Jordan in looking the other way while men and boys under her supervision were assaulted. And Matt Gaetz… everybody hates Matt Gaetz, including Matt Gaetz, who has decided that his own behavior is too reprehensible to describe in public. Non-sexual abuse solutions to economic anxiety include Tulsi Gabbard, who even gives Nikki Haley the ick, and … drum roll please… Dan Bongino, who will cut everything from the Secret Service, other than those first two initials. Marjorie Taylor Greene, now most seasoned, experienced, and wise compared to everyone else in this paragraph, will lead a subcommittee executing the whims of Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy’s Department of Purging Employees.

By the way, the president does have unrestrained constitutional power to withhold funds, you just don’t understand how pre-wrong you’ve been on the subject yet.