What do you do when your spouse has shifted back toward you… some… but is still distant?  More distant than you would like?

Do you have to just accept it, accept the lack of intimacy and connection?

Is that the relationship you are stuck with?  Some connection.  Still married.  But not the warmth, love, and connection you do want?

That is the question posed to me.  Mary reports that her husband returned after a number of months of separation.  But now, some time later, after his return, the connection is not where it needs to be.  It isn’t where Mary wants it to be.

What do you do, Mary wonders?  Accept it?  Make peace with the fact that her spouse does not want an intimate relationship with her?

I delve into Mary’s question (which may also be your question) about what to do when the connection is still not there, even after some improvement.  I suggest 3 steps for Mary (and perhaps you) to take.  And yes, we start at acceptance.  But that is not about giving up!

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Yet
Connection and Disconnection
3 Levels of Connection
Acceptance - What IS That?
Save The Marriage System

“No Closer!” — Stuck?

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For awhile, I have been answering listener-submitted questions, and continue to do so in this episode (if YOU want to ask a question, send it to podcast@savethemarriage.com).

This week, I respond to a couple of questions about a spouse's indifference and/or resistance to attempts at connection.

It can be frustrating when you so desperately want to rebuild a marriage.  Maybe your spouse claims to want the same.  Maybe your spouse just doesn't respond much at all.  A little conversation... that goes nowhere.  Or attempts at conversation... that go nowhere.  It can feel frustrating and defeating.

How should you understand the situation?

What can you do about it?

Can you make progress?

We discuss these questions (and more) in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
3 Step Process
3 C's of Doing It
Importance of Connection
When Spouse Can't See A Way
Resentment and Anger
Save The Marriage System
The Connection Compass 

Dealing With an Indifferent Spouse

Where could your efforts fail?

Those are the failpoints. They can trip you up and make you think nothing will work in your efforts.

But let me be clear.  They are potential failpoints. They are not inevitable.

Failpoints, in engineering, is caused by stress on a particular point. In machines, a particular piece is stressed long enough that it finally gives. It breaks.

In marriage, there are also potential failpoints -- caused by stressors on different points in the relationship.

In this episode, I cover the three big failpoints that you face in your efforts... along with me talking about how to avoid the failpoints.

 

RELATED RESOURCES
My new resource, The Connection Compass
My Save The Marriage System
Podcast episode: 3 Reasons Your Efforts May Fail
Podcast Episode: 4 Failing Fears

 

3 Failpoints You Face

When I started this podcast over 10 years ago, I wondered how far we would go. Well, here we are on episode 500, with over 5.25 million downloads to far. And at the same time, I celebrate 58 years on earth. A couple of milestones I wanted to mark, for sure!

Which raises the question from a listener, on what I have learned in life. I’ll share 5 big things I’ve learned in my trips around the sun.

But before I get there, I thought I'd tell you how I got here:  500 episodes of the podcast, a number of books and online courses, and lots of coaching.  How did I end up in this world, in this profession?

And why do I keep at it?  I have long said that my job was to put myself out of business.  It won't happen.  But that is always my goal.  Until then, I'll keep showing up to help people build better marriages and have better lives.

Thank YOU for being part of this journey!

 

RELATED RESOURCES:
My Save The Marriage System
My New Training Resource, The Connection Compass
My Books
The Husband Bootcamp
The Field Guide To Marriage

Milestones and Markers — 500 Episodes!

Let's just say that the bumper sticker, "I used to be cool," has nothing to do with me. I was not cool. I was more the nerdy kid. And to be honest, I'm not sure I have really outgrown that.

In my teen years, I was a magician. My friends were magicians, jugglers, clowns, ventriloquists, and carneys. I even started a magic club at my high school. And no, the cool kids did not show up for it. Ever.

But I will tell you one thing about magic:  it taught me a ton of life lessons... and a ton of psychology! I still recall those lessons to this day.

I probably learned more about humans and perception in my performing than I ever did in my psychology courses. I also learned lessons of perseverance and practice. That is the only way to master sleight of hand. I still rely on that to this day.

Which is why I am always interested when people ask me about the "trick" to saving their marriage. They want some little technique, some "sleight of mind" that will shift their spouse.

But more than that, there are some other lessons from magic that I watch play out. For example, people can come up with the most complex idea about how to do something. They complicate some simple things... in magic tricks and in life. And particularly in marriages.

In this Save The Marriage Podcast episode, we discuss the problems people create in their attempts to find the trick to saving their marriage.

 

 

RELATED RESOURCES:
My new free resource, The Connection Compass
My Save The Marriage System
My books
A training on The Dangers of  the Shortcut

The Trick to Saving Your Marriage

Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it.  Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game.  Or even a trick for a better pancake.  A hint for a better pushup.

But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage.

Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick.  Nothing wrong with asking.  But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick.  You need an approach.  You need a system.”

But you also need a starting point, a way to get beyond the stuck point.  Most people just don’t know how to start, so they start with hints and tricks.  And then they realize there is more to this, more to the crisis.

When people tell me that they had a great marriage “until a week/month/year/___ time period ago, when ___________ happened,” they are missing that the seeds of the crisis were planted long before.

And that is why we need to fix the underlying issues, address the underlying problems, and rebuild in a sustainable way… for a long-term marriage.

In this episode of the podcast, I use the acronym from Gay Hendricks of FACT.  We will FACT out your marriage crisis and get you moving forward.

Pay attention to the choice of path (3 W’s), and your action plan (3 C’s) in order to make a real shift as you face the FACTs of your crisis.

RELATED RESOURCES
Connection is Vital
You Need a Plan
3 C Approach
3 Levels of Connection
Save The Marriage System
The Connection Compass

 

“No Closer!” — Stuck?

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