PodCastle 615: Field Reports from the Department of Monster Resettlement

* Author : L. Chan

* Narrator : Curtis C. Chen

* Host : Summer Fletcher

* Audio Producer : Peter Adrian Behravesh

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Previously published by Future Fire in the Making Monsters anthology.

Content warning for domestic abuse and violence.

Rated R, for a rowdy band of righteous monsters.

Field Reports from the Department of Monster Resettlement

by L. Chan

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: two ghosts, a pontianak and a manananggal are sitting around the third floor of a community centre after dark. The trick isn’t getting them to come to the support group, the trick is getting them to agree to be resettled.

I arrange swiss rolls, cream puffs and savory pastries in company lines that would have impressed a drill sergeant, but would the Assistant Director down at the department or my guests care? I don’t know. What do monsters eat anyway? Puppies. The blood of virile young men. Hapless neophyte civil servants.

The carpet used to be a garish orange and brown, pattern reminiscent of bolognese regurgitated by a dog. Greying fabric wallpaper went threadbare over dented dry wall. The hole by the door was the right size and shape for a fist. Goodness knows what they used this room for. At least the department got it cheap.

First job, first resettlement, first time I’m on my own, no more training, no safety net, no screwups. I’ve got the profiles of all the monsters printed out. Twelve point font, double-spaced, one inch margins, colour-coded plastic tabs for each profile by ethnicity. That’s the whole point of the policy. Have to mix them up, nobody wants all the jiang shi and kuei to be in one place, all the toyols and hantus to be in another. Not to mention those that we’ve imported into this melting pot. I accept the sugar coated logic pill, down the hatch with a cool draught of my own university education, not pausing to think about what’s at the heart of the medicine. It’s all good.

For a moment, there’s a stiff stage fright breeze, a whiff of the air beyond the curtains, that the monsters won’t turn up, that I’m going to slink back to the office tomorrow in some reverse walk of shame.

Then there’s a scratching at the dust speckled window. The manananggal is here. They’re coming, all good little monsters, every one. That’s Singapore for you.

To: Assistant Director Fong

Subject: Manananggal profile

The manananggal is a fresh migrant monster. She only preys on pregnant women, subsisting on the extracted blood of the unborn fetus or amniotic fluid. The conditions of her stay have been reiterated to her, notably the requirement to cap the amount she consumes from any given victim. She sleeps during the day and only needs sufficient space to store her lower half at night. She gets along well with the pontianak. Integration is unlikely to be an issue. She responds to Rosa.

To: Staff Officer Ching

Subject: Re: Manananggal profile

Update noted. Level of detail in your profile is not up to scratch. Please expedite the remainder of your work and do better next time. Resettlement should be concluded before the closing of the financial year for it to be counted to this year’s targets.

It should be easier the second time around. First engagement sessions are always disasters, right? Didn’t Wei Boon run a session with group of orang minyak...