PodCastle 611: Yo, Rapunzel!

* Author : Kyle Kirrin

* Narrators : Alasdair Stuart, C. L. Clark, Summer Fletcher, Matt Dovey, Jen R. Albert, Peter Adrian Behravesh and Mur Lafferty

* Host : Summer Fletcher

* Audio Producer : Peter Adrian Behravesh

*

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PodCastle 611: Yo, Rapunzel! is a PodCastle original.

Rated R, for ridiculous, with sprinklings of boardgames, box wine, and profanity.

Yo, Rapunzel!

By Kyle Kirrin

And lo, the Princess said: “Motherfucker, I am content.”

“But Princess!” said the Knight, from the base of the Princess’ tower. His armor-clad ass was parked atop a huge black stallion, which the Princess found not only pompous, but entirely predictable. “You misunderstand; I’m here to save you from — ”

“Hold up,” said the Princess. “Exactly what part of girl-lives-in-her-own-goddamned-tower implies a need for rescue?”

“Well, I — ”

“Do you have any idea how many women would kill for a tower off in the wilderness? I am fucking blessed.”

“Princess,” said the Knight, “that’s all well and good, but this isn’t your place. You belong — ”

“Perpetually pregnant in a castle that smells like chlamydia? Pass.”

“M’lady, please. I only want what’s best for you.”

“Oh God,” said the Dragon, which in both size and shape resembled a hairless cat with wings. “Here we go again.”

“Do not. Fucking, M’lady me,” said the Princess. “And why is that a Knight I’ve never met gets to decide what’s best for me?”

“M’lady,” said the Knight, “you aren’t seeing the whole picture here: I’ve spent the last three weeks traversing this kingdom of yours for the sole purpose of freeing you from the diabolical clutches of the Fire Dragon.”

“Wow, I’m right here,” said the Dragon, who was kicking sand around his litterbox.

“Just shove off, would you?” said the Princess. “We’re busy here.”

“M’lady!” said the Knight. “How dare you dishonor me so after everything I’ve done for you! The King will have your head for this!”

“I never asked you to do anything,” said the Princess. “This is literally the first conversation we’ve ever had.”

“Just give him a Heart Quest and be done with it,” said the Dragon.

“Why do I have to give him a quest?” said the Princess. “Why does every cantankerous fuck who’s capable of a fifteen-minute trail ride seem to think they’re entitled to a Heart Quest?”

“In hindsight,” said the Dragon, “your father really ought to have built this tower a little farther out.”

“You get a Quest, you get a Quest!” The Princess threw both hands into the air and waved them about. “Everybody gets a Quest! When exactly did I become the fucking Oprah of Heart Quests?”

“Who’s Oprah?” said the Dragon.

“Future stuff, never mind.”

“You are spending entirely too much time with the Time Wizard,” said the Dragon.

“Puns aren’t funny” said the Princess. “You’re not funny.”

“Hello?” said the Knight. “Is anyone listening to me? I feel that I am being treated badly and I don’t understand why.”

“That’s hurtful,” said the Dragon. “And I wasn’t trying to be funny.