RADIO SHOW – Eating Disorder *Insecure* (SALT ED FREEDOM)

08.10.2016 - By SaltRadio.FM - *Eating Disorder Show*

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Do you ever struggle with the same kind of BODY INSECURITY that Janice does? 

“There is nothing cute about sagging skin/boobs/belly and thighs covered in cellulite and stretch marks. NOTHING. I just can't shake it. I spend my days thinking...FEELING how uncomfortable I am in my body and my skin…

How I wish I had done things differently, how much regret I have, how much it has ruined my life. I used to be a lifeguard. I would spend my days in the water. I don't think I enjoyed anything more than the feeling of diving into a pool or lake or whatever! ...just pausing and thinking about my childhood makes me cry...

I used to feel free, didn't need to worry about covering my body, didn't use to worry about dying in my clothes in the summer heat, didn't use to worry about people asking me ''why aren't you coming into the hot tub? Why don't you wanna come to the beach/on a canoe trip/to the waterslides, etc.''..... it kills me.

I can feel it inside, that pain.. that shame.. that deep regret... so deep I can't forgive myself for abusing my body all these years. Even though it kept me alive, I can't forgive my body either.

Yes, I gained and lost weight, over and over again, but why didn't my skin keep up? Why do I have to live with these scars every day.. and have them remind me of everything I never let myself do, and still can't do today. I know I CAN wear a bathing suit and go to the beach and yada yada, but no one would want to either if they were in my skin.

I keep wanting to have people understand how I feel when they say ''oh just do it anyway'', but it's impossible to understand how it feels to have your body sort of ''give up'' on you... it's impossible to truly know how it feels to ''live'' in a body that doesn't even feel like it's your own.

My body didn't use to look like it does now, and I can't accept it. I just can't get there... I pray everyday to get what I need to help myself get my body in better shape, and to help me accept what I did. I can't stop going on and on in my head about how much I wish things were different, about how much I wish I could go back, about how much I envy other people...

I know ''I didn't know better'', I know ''it could always be worse'' and ''some people are worse off''- lost limbs, accident scars, paralyzed, and ''you're more than your body'' - .... but my skin reminds me, and shows the entire world just how much I've hated myself. I didn't take care of this body, and didn't care enough about myself, and this is the result.”  

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