Regular Features

Regular Features episodes:

• 04.16.2024

  562: How Three Became Two

  "Stop, Children, what's that sound?" Let me stop you right there, Buffalo Springfield, because I think I know the answer to this one. "That sound" is Episode 562 of Regular Features. And you know what? It very nearly wasn't. This is...

  
• 04.07.2024

  561: Vegetariana Lasagne

  Well, I ate the whole thing. Shrug emoji! In this episode, Joe brings us to the aid of an ailin' 'n' flailin' maestra flautist, Gav discovers a hidden side effect of jelly boy bonification, and Steve delves deep into the Regular...

  
• 04.01.2024

  560: Shrivelle Dudders

  Did you know that the famous advertising slogan "got milk?" was almost something very different? Originally the tagline for milk was going to be "gimme da heffer wets, brother", until a marketing executive decided the phrase was too long to...

  
• 03.25.2024

  559: Jedward's Waxy Funeral

  We're back! Sorry we've been away for a while, it's because we are actually dead now. Yeah we died. Sorry! In this episode, Matt sees a waxy head in a box. Steve shares a special moment with Jedward near some garlic....

  
• 03.09.2024

  558: The Blackpool Magic Convention Tax Write-off Special

  Joe and Gav are now fully fledged magicians and they took their latest trick to the Blackpool Magic Convention to see if they could fool some fellow conjurers.

  
• 02.22.2024

  557: Helen Degenerates

  We can't keep meeting like this. In this episode, Joe finally brings Great British advertising to the hallowed American Superbowl. Log slips into a Helen-inspired reverie. Steve reads an excerpt from Bradley Wigginseses autobiography.

  
• 02.03.2024

  556: Condor Wallpaper Vapes

  Here at Regular Features, we like to barge our way through old hotel doors and stumble into the room to find nothing but an open window and a fluttering curtain, then saying "he's gone", before YOU, our trusty sidekick, spots...

  
• 01.26.2024

  555: Swings and Roundabouts in Shrewsbury

  They say you can't get better than a Kwik Fit fitter, but I once saw a Kwik Fit fitter walk through a plate glass window in Letchworth Garden City. If that's honestly the best we've got, we might as well...

  
• 01.18.2024

  554: Nothing Compares 2 Worms

  Excuse me? Excuse me. Please may I be excused. You must excuse me now. Oh no I've excused myself into my shorts. That's your fault, that is, actually, for not excusing me quickly enough. Now I've got excuses all down...

  
• 01.10.2024

  553: Guess a Guy

  Can YOU guess a guy? Find out in this week's episode! While you come up with your answers, here's what else: Log reflects on turning 50. Steve has a poem to say at you. Matt's thought of one thousand baby...

  
• 01.03.2024

  552: A Ramblemas Special Yes Please

  We love you readers. Happy new year.

  
• 12.23.2023

  551: Secret Airborne Delights, Just £45!

  If your Christmas tradition isn't playing this podcast at full volume, directly into your nan's increasingly ecstatic face, then we don't even want you listening to it. She'd love Gav's story about over-paying a tailor. She'd swoon to hear Secret...

  
• 12.19.2023

  550: A Groom With A View To A Kill A Mockingbird

  This is a public service announcement. Thousands of horses die needlessly giddy every year. That's why you should always tell your horse to "giddy down" after it's done giddying up. Around the world today, countless horses are locked in a...

  
• 12.02.2023

  549: Ronnie's Floridian Locker Disaster

  Oh, don't go into that cupboard. Don't you dare open *that* cupboard. You won't like what we keep in *that* one. Oh no, no, no. That's where we keep the features. You oughtn't spill any of those. What if you...

  
• 11.23.2023

  548: The Wretched Tale of the Cuckoo Bee

  If you have the hiccups, here is a tried and tested method for ridding yourself of the condition, cited by over one hundred old wives. 1. Stand on a railway arch 2. Listen to episode 548 of Regular Features 3. Marvel at Joe's...

  
• 11.19.2023

  547: John Smyth's World of Hammers

  When all you've got is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. Stuck in traffic? Nail. Deadline to meet? It's a nail. Hungry? Better believe that's a nail. Worried that your only possession in the entire world, the sum...

  
• 11.10.2023

  546: Snitches Get Witches

  Gather round, gather round. No stop, that's too much gathering. Disperse... A little more... A little more. Well now you're far too dispersed, aren't you? You're gonna wanna give me just a hint more gathering. Woah woah woah, now you're...

  
• 11.05.2023

  545: The Haunted Hobbit Yard Sale

  In this episode, Steve tells the terrifying tale of a coupla big city teenage dirtbags who finally get what's coming to them. Log learns the exact sequence of verbs and nouns that makes Thorin Oakenshield cradle you in his greasy...

  
• 10.26.2023

  544: Live at The Canal Cafe Theatre (again)

  This week we return to The Canal Cafe Theatre for a live show! Because it's live, we might sound a bit shitter than usual or refer to something we can see on stage. YOU can fix one of those thing...

  
• 10.19.2023

  543: Take Off Your Jorts And Shacket

  In this episode, Log rediscovers his love of music by ordering vinyl records from a spooky owl, and Joe is smitten with thyssenkrupp's floating aeroplane corridor gantry jobbies. Steve is here too, technically. (They're call jet bridges, I looked it up....

  
• 10.02.2023

  542: Curly Wurly Wolfy Blitzer

  Shopping list: - 2 beans - 2 kilos Freddos - A egg - One feature about a traffic stop in Candyland - One feature where Wolf Blitzer can identify Friends episodes - One feature that is a poorly hidden pretext for us having YOUR house - A...

  
• 09.21.2023

  541: A Series of Very Very Tiny Features

  You've heard of good podcasts, now get ready for fast podcasts. That's right, in this very special and speedy episode of Regular Features, Joe, Log and Steve will pepper your naked body with a quickfire hail of what science is...

  
• 09.08.2023

  540: A egg.

  You are in a egg. Oh it is such a big a egg. But you want to be free of a egg. You crack open the tippy-top of a egg. Oh! It is so bright! It is so frightening! Perhap...

  
• 09.05.2023

  539: Dogs Kissing (Very) Badly

  I'm hungry so this will be a short description. In this one, Joe fixes some (very) badly behaving dogs. Steve invite us for a sleepover with "the king of cool" Mister Dean Martin. Log observes us from afar using a...

  
• 08.28.2023

  538: The Republican Primaries

  You can keep your Emily Maitlises and your Frost/Nixons, because Regular Features is finally pivoting to hot hot politics. In fact, we are the only politics podcast that doesn't have a Krishnan Guru-Murthy constantly riding around on an electric scooter...

  
• 08.20.2023

  537: My Name Is Little Lord Fauntleroy

  This episode is dedicated to the legendary broadcaster Michael "Champ" Parkinson, whom we love. Joe processes his grief with a feature about Lord Fauntleroy, Steve deals with his emotions by securing some much needed funding from a cruise company. Gav...

  
• 08.11.2023

  536: Squash My 6 Music Bear

  Hey, you know how a demure Helen O'Connell asks Dean Martin how he likes his eggs in the morning (in the hit song "How D'ya Like Your Eggs In The Morning"), and how it should be pretty obvious to everybody...

  
• 08.03.2023

  535: Introducing - Bushel de Groot

  bushel [ˈbʊʃ(ə)l] NOUN, BRITISH A measure of capacity equal to 8 gallons (equivalent to 36.4 litres), used for corn, fruit, liquids, etc. Definitely NOT just a small bush. de Groot [də кнrōt′] NAME, DUTCH The sexiest group of adventurers, inventors, sportspeople and all-round hotpot yummydaddies in...

  
• 07.26.2023

  534: Well If It Ain't Transparent Elon

  The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was letting Joe smell the well again, putting a picture of a transparent mouse in front of Steve, and giving Log unprecendented access to the private communiqués of Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg....

  
• 07.18.2023

  533: Pardon Clive's Pepsi

  In this episode of Regular Features, Log's been playing the hip new rocket propelled grenade Final Fantasy 16. Steve's been caught dumping aspartame into all your favourite sugar free drinks. And Joe's found a prudish new sponsor who'll take us...

  
• 07.08.2023

  532: The Crombinators

  If you can't handle me at my hurdy, you don't deserve me at my gurdy. In this one, Steve heads underwater to discover treasures untold. Joe comes head to head with a devil baby. Log submits his video will.

  
• 06.26.2023

  531: Suckin' On My Towels Like You Wanted Me

  Who wants to hear a podcast about a gym botherer and a towel muncher? And also with a dash of tooth lover??

  
• 06.05.2023

  530: Coop on the Roof

  Left with a Succession-shaped void where his guts and arse used to be, Joe takes the hit HBO series to the West End where it always belonged. And Log puts the "fancier" into "yeah your pigeon's pretty fancy I guess,...

  
• 05.26.2023

  529: Stag Don't

  This week's episode comes directly from Joe's Stag Do. A stag do is where boys go to do podcasts, and we highly recommend it, especially to you, MISSUS. Gav quizzes Joe on the likes, dislikes, and historic whereabouts of his...

  
• 05.19.2023

  528: Would You Like Beans With Those Sausages?

  Think of a breakfast meat. Now think of a member of the royal family. You were thinking of Black Pudding Camilla weren't you? No? Oh right, then you must have been thinking about the big man himself, ol' Charlie boy...

  
• 05.13.2023

  527: Dog Piss Cowboys

  Come, come inside my fortune telling tent young man, or is it young woman? My wizened old crone eyes can't see too well these days. What... "crone"? No, no it's fine, I can say it because I am one, it's...

  
• 05.03.2023

  526: Crab Rangoon's Piss Wars

  I am REALLY gassy right now. Log does Mandalorian via Pussy Pals. Steve does meat of the week. Matt been stench in p*******. God, I am so gassy.

  
• 04.19.2023

  525: The British Kebab Awards 2023 Special

  Here it is! Somehow Joe and Gav got invited back to the British Kebab Awards to report from the frontlines on all the going ons from the biggest night of the meat calendar. justgiving.com/donate-a-doner If you enjoyed this episode please consider donating...

  
• 04.10.2023

  524: Roger Baba Helmer Dook

  Hoik up your britches and join us in the Regular Features tide pool, but mind you don't step on a hermit crab or one of those cool wet slugs. They were here first and we are their guests in the...

  
• 04.04.2023

  523: Zumbido, The Gladiator of Time

  Right on the heels of Episode 522 - it's Episode 523! 522 has ducked into a back alley in an attempt to escape the inevitable, but 523 has locked onto their scent. 522 looks around for anything they could use...

  
• 03.25.2023

  522: Pretty Flyting For A White Viking

  No, it's not the Kebabbies episode just yet. That meaty boy is still percolating in our collective guts, and it will come blasting out at you when you and we least expect it. In this one, Log has been spitting rhymes...

  
• 03.02.2023

  521: Someone Left The Cake Out With Bourdain

  When you wish upon a star, does it come true? It hasn't for me, so far. I'm only asking to test the "makes no difference who you are" hypothesis. I mean it'd be a *bit* annoying if we've all been...

  
• 02.24.2023

  520: ABBA Kebabra

  Do you think they added the "and decorator" bit to "painter and decorator" because people kept accidentally booking watercolourists to come in and do the spare room? Like these painters kept showing up with their easels, and the person's like,...

  
• 02.13.2023

  519: The Last of The Dorito Retweets

  Wham! Bam! Thank you, ma'am. Yes, thank you for participating in the annual whamming and bamming contest. Now who's next. Wham! Thank you sir, but I'm afraid you're disqualified. You forgot to bam. No you can't go again. In this one,...

  
• 02.03.2023

  518: The Blue Tick Game Pitch

  Hello, this is your phone speaking. I just wanted to say that it's real nice and cosy inside your pocket. I bet you thought I'd say it stinks of coins and thighs, but that's just your inner critic trying to...

  
• 01.26.2023

  517: Is Carol a Robot? feat. BlobbyWatch

  Welcome to the far future, where Blobbies buy you on eBay. Frightened yet? Well listen to Regular Features and feel a lot nicer about yourself.

  
• 01.19.2023

  516: The Prince's Bolivian Fight

  Prince Harry's tadger keeps transporting him into realms of reveries, and we simply can't get enough.

  
• 01.15.2023

  515: The Invincible Golden Syrup Girl

  This week we go back to bible times and learn about syrups and Log has a new enemy. Please retweet this so that we can go to the Kebab Awards again please: https://twitter.com/RegularFeatures/status/1552632683787952130

  
• 01.05.2023

  514: Happy Ramblemas

  This week we bring back a forgotten tradition of the podcast - The Holiday Ramble.

  
• 12.24.2022

  513: Happy Christmas

  Get outa here!