Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

By The Irish Times

What's Ross O'Carroll-Kelly about?

The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Download our free app to listen on your phone

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly episodes:

04.12.2024
‘You should be ashamed of yourselves! We’re old enough to be your parents and we’ve taken you to three sets!’
I had my nightmare again last night, the one where I have a one-night stand with Taylor Swift and then I ghost the girl and she ends up writing 15 or 16 songs about me and they’re on the radio...
04.08.2024
‘If you play that match, Ross, our marriage is over’
Sorcha is upset. I totally get that? But I haven’t seen her over-react like this since I ate a tin of macadamias from the hotel mini-bor on a weekend city break in Ljubljana. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
03.29.2024
‘You are not having a hort attack! I’m not allowing it!’
Réaltín smiles. Which might well be a first for her. Yeah, no, we’re in Baldoyle of all places, playing Thor Frimann and Lisa Murray – the reigning champions – in the semi-finals of the mixed doubles at the Leinster Padel...
03.22.2024
‘I didn’t play football for Rathnew. I didn’t play football for anyone. I resent the allegation’
I tell Honor that I’m proud of her. I’m there, “Obviously, I don’t mean that literally?” because all she’s actually done is spend her Paddy’s Day picking litter up off the beach in Curracloe as port of her community service. “I’m...
03.15.2024
Three European Cups, three Six Nations, one Grand Slam – but never winning a Leinster Schools Senior Cup clearly still rankles Heaslip
I’m the first to arrive. I order a pint of the obvious and I do a quick circuit of the place. There’s no one here yet, even though I said eight o’clock and it’s quarter-past already. Fr Fehily wouldn’t have...
03.08.2024
‘Don’t tell me I don’t know Ross O’Carroll-Kelly. You bullied me for most of secondary school’
I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later. “Ross?” the dude goes, pulling a face at me across the net. “Ross O’Carroll-Kelly?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
03.01.2024
‘I haven’t cheated on you in, like, 10 years, though – well, let’s just say a long time’
Sorcha asks me straight out if I’m having an affair. I’m like, “Why would you even think that?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
02.23.2024
Honor rubs at the graffiti with a dainty, circular motion, like she’s applying foundation to the face of an elderly loved one
I haven’t seen Honor look this angry since the time she spear-tackled a woman who tried to cheat her out of first place in the sack race at the Castle Pork Dalkey Open Sports Day. She’s like, “What ... the ......
02.16.2024
Sorcha goes, ‘I don’t need a 26-old copy of Cosmopolitan to tell me that I married the wrong man’
Sorcha says she’s sorry and I’m there, “Hey, it’s cool,” even though I’ve no idea what she’s even apologising for? She goes, “Oh my God, I was such an idiot.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
02.10.2024
Our daughter came out of the womb with two middle fingers raised to the world. That’s not down to us
“If some wooden comes at you with a shank,” Ronan goes, “grab them be the wrist and twist it, then hit them at the base of the nose with the heel of yisser hand, driving upwards. Upwards – that’s it." irishtimes.com...
02.02.2024
'I’ve got my top off, and Réaltín’s looking at me like my old man turning his nose up at cheap steak'
So I’m shaking hands with Hugh and Marie Atcheson after our latest victory in the Leinster Padel Championships and the famous Réaltín – as in, like, my mixed doublesportner? – is just, like, glowering at me. Hosted on Acast....
01.26.2024
‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly is not the victim. She is a highly intelligent young woman from a privileged background’
Honor pretends to sneeze, but instead of ‘achoo!’ she goes ‘fock you!’ to the prosecution barrister Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
01.19.2024
‘How could the child of a mother who puts the mental into environmental action grow up with a moral compass?’
So Honor is lying on her bed, her nose stuck in her phone, presumably trolling people on social media, when I tell her that Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara is here to talk about her case. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more...
01.15.2024
'She’s hord work, my new padel portner. But the girl fascinates me. She’s like a female me'
Réaltín and I have an intuitive understanding that only great lovers, or an out-half and his inside-centre, could fully understand Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
01.05.2024
‘Ross, this was my sliding doors moment. And I made the wrong choice’
Sorcha has made an alarming discovery during her annual New Year’s Day clear-out. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
12.29.2023
‘The Leopardstown Races, eh, Ross? A great way to blow off the old cobwebs after Christmas!’
Leopardstown on Stephen Zuzz Day is a tradition for the O’Carroll-Kelly men Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
12.22.2023
Honor is like, ‘There’s no chocolate Kimberleys left,’ and that’s when I end up suddenly losing my sh*t
It’s three days before the big day and Cornelscourt is like the Battle of the Bastards scene from Game of Thrones Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
12.15.2023
‘Oh my God, is this really all the books that we own as a family? I’m so ashamed’
Sorcha wants to make our own Christmas tree out of books this year. I think she’s been at the eggnog Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
12.08.2023
‘You need to look up the difference between mincemeat and minced meat. Merry focking Christmas’
We’re off to give my godson Ross Junior his Christmas present, but his old dear will already be in a fouler at the thought of me coming. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
12.01.2023
‘I’ve never even cleaned up my own children’s vomit, I’m not mopping up after some randomer’
We’re doing the usual volunteering at the annual Christmas fete and this year we’ve been put on toilet-cleaning duties as a punishment Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
11.24.2023
‘Sneaking around behind my wife’s back is something I’m very, very good at, in fairness to me’
“If we do this,” she goes, “my husband can’t find out about it. Under any circumstances?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
11.17.2023
I wake up on Sunday morning thinking, am I having one of my famous erotic dreams?
Or is Sorcha standing at the end of the bed, wearing the Tory Burch tennis whites she bought last summer to watch Wimbledon? She’s like, “Are you ready?” “Ready?” I go. “In terms of?” Read Ross O'Carroll-Kelly at irishtimes.com/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/. Hosted on...
11.10.2023
Sorcha is like me before every Ireland squad announcement – in other words, focking delusional
It’s the Killiney and Dalkey Combined Christmas Fete meeting, and we’re about as welcome as a snot-nosed kid in a bridal shop Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
11.03.2023
‘When I close my eyes at night, I can still see that bird’s horrible, leering face’
“Sur! Prise!” we all go. But the old man – standing at the bottom of the stairs in Shanahan’s on the Green – barely raises a smile. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
10.27.2023
‘Sorcha, I honestly don’t think we can just saunter in here like nothing has happened’
I’m there, “I have a bad feeling about this.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
10.27.2023
‘Ross, this is all your fault, you sniggering halfwit - that daughter of yours has been going wrong since the day she was born’
It’s a sad day. Everyone agrees. Not as sad – hand on hort – as Ireland losing to the All Blacks last weekend. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
10.13.2023
‘Ross, didn’t you get a present of an All Blacks jersey once and use it to wash the cor?’
So we’re in Corcoran’s on the famous Boulevord de Clichy – we’re talking me, Christian, JP, Oisinn and Fionn – and I’m telling the goys why I think we’ll beat the All Blacks on Saturday and why I think it...
10.06.2023
‘What does being Johnny Sexton’s hype man involve exactly, Dad?’
I’m there, “I’d be in Paris now if things had been different,” and when I say different, I mean if my daughter hadn’t been chorged with 277 counts of criminal damage. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
09.29.2023
‘I’ve never seen Sorcha so upset - and given my record as a husband, that’s a genuine achievement’
I’ve never seen Sorcha so upset? And given my record as a husband, that’s a genuine achievement. She’s literally shaking with rage and whatever else is bubbling inside her, which is the reason I’m staying on the other side of...
09.22.2023
‘Dad, you need to ask yourself what do you want to be – a rugby fan or a good father?’
I love a crowd. Yeah, no, that’s as true of me now as it was back in my days as the best number 10 in the history of Irish schools rugby and the goy that every girl wanted to be...
09.19.2023
Some things are more important than family. Rugby happens to be one of them
So I wake up in the hotel in Nantes to find a letter on my bedside table, which turns out to be from – yeah, no – my old man? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
09.08.2023
‘There’s no caps for your so-called matches against Mexico and, I don’t know, Guava Larva. I made the entire thing up’
The old man is as excited as I’ve seen him since the members of Elm Pork Golf Club voted to name the lateral water hazard on the 12th hole “the Chorles River”. It’s, like, Friday night – the night before...
09.01.2023
‘It turns out that every single vehicle in the Mount Anville cor pork has had its tyres done. Except one’
Sorcha is tense. Yeah, no, for her, the first day back after the school holidays is like the first day of the Six Nations for me. In other words, a matter of life and death. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy...
08.25.2023
‘A chap taught me how to hot-wire a cor this morning,’ the old man goes
The old man looks surprisingly well for a man who’s been banged up for, like, a week and a bit. I’m sitting in the visiting room when he walks in and he’s, like, deep in conversation with another, I want...
08.18.2023
I’m no stranger to seeing my old man standing in the dock accused of serious crimes
I’m no stranger to seeing my old man standing in the dock accused of serious crimes – he’s Chorles O’Carrroll-Kelly, for fock’s sake – but I never thought I’d see him in court, aged seventy-whatever-he-is, chorged with the illegal possession...
08.17.2023
Camino Royale: the final exclusive excerpt from the new Ross O'Carroll-Kelly book
This is the final exclusive excerpt from Camino Royale, the new Ross O’Carroll-Kelly novel out today Thursday, August 17th. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
08.16.2023
Camino Royale: the second exclusive excerpt from the new Ross O'Carroll-Kelly book
This is the second of three exclusive excerpts from Camino Royale, the new Ross O’Carroll-Kelly novel out this Thursday, August 17th 2023. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
08.15.2023
Camino Royale: an exclusive excerpt from the new Ross O’Carroll-Kelly book
This is the first of three exclusive excerpts from Camino Royale, the new Ross O’Carroll Kelly novel out this Thursday, August 17th 2023. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
08.12.2023
‘Honor, there has to be a better way of trying to save the planet than this’
Sorcha is sitting at the kitchen island with her laptop open and a pleased-with-herself smile that I recognise from the Mount Anville Class of 1998 graduation photograph on her bedside table. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
08.04.2023
Dude, you’re not allowed to just, like, shoot seagulls
So – yeah, no – we’re out in the old man’s boat in the middle of Dublin literally Bay, we’re talking me, the old man and Hennessy, and like the old man says, it’s just like old times. Hosted on...
07.28.2023
Father and son. From the same city. And we might as well be a donkey talking to a parrot
So it’s, like, ten o’clock on a Friday night and Ronan’s at the front door. He goes, “How are you fixed for the Oddle Arelint football fidal on Suddendee, Rosser?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
07.14.2023
‘We caught the so-called SUV avenger tonight, in the actual act!’
Sorcha smiles warmly at me – an event so rare that it’s actually worth mentioning. “I’m so proud of our daughter,” she goes. “She’s turning into a wonderful young woman.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
07.07.2023
People like us don’t get embarrassed. That’s how we’ve ended up where we are in life
The old man rings me at, like, two o’clock in the afternoon and goes, “Ross! You’re not busy, are you?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
06.30.2023
‘What if the SUV Avenger turned out to be your daughter, Sorcha?’
“Oh my God,” Sorcha goes, “they’ve struck again!” I’m there, “What are you talking about? As in, like, what the fock?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
06.24.2023
The SUV Avenger has slashed the tyres on Sorcha’s cor
So – yeah, no – we’re at the recycling centre with a boot full of empty cans and bottles from a recent borbecue to celebrate Sorcha’s 43rd birthday and me having nine penalty points wiped from my driving licence on...
06.16.2023
‘Bloomsday is God’s way of telling middle class people they have too much time on their hands’
I’m standing outside the famous Galloper on the Stillorgan dualler when Ronan rocks up. He’s as surprised to see me as I am to see him? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
06.09.2023
There’s nothing like the school sports day to get the old competitive juices flowing
I have to confess to getting a bit carried away, and I stort shouting things like, ‘Eat it up, you pack of losers!’ at the other moms and dads Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
06.02.2023
‘I want to have – oh my God – everything done?’ Honor goes. ‘My chin, my nose, my forehead, my lips’
Honor has been walking around under a bit of a cloud ever since a dude by the name of Jonah – Wesley College, before you ask – friend-zoned her. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
05.26.2023
‘What does Patrick Kielty have that I don’t?’ asks the old dear
There’s no mystery as to why they chose Kielty for the Late Late. He’s not 76 years old. His bodily organs didn’t come from a black morket doctor in Bogotá Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
05.20.2023
The old man is a focking embarrassment at rugby matches
The old man is on the phone, shouting at me in his usual all-caps voice. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's Ross O'Carroll-Kelly about?

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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly episodes:

‘You should be ashamed of yourselves! We’re old enough to be your parents and we’ve taken you to three sets!’

‘If you play that match, Ross, our marriage is over’

‘You are not having a hort attack! I’m not allowing it!’

‘I didn’t play football for Rathnew. I didn’t play football for anyone. I resent the allegation’

Three European Cups, three Six Nations, one Grand Slam – but never winning a Leinster Schools Senior Cup clearly still rankles Heaslip

‘Don’t tell me I don’t know Ross O’Carroll-Kelly. You bullied me for most of secondary school’

‘I haven’t cheated on you in, like, 10 years, though – well, let’s just say a long time’

Honor rubs at the graffiti with a dainty, circular motion, like she’s applying foundation to the face of an elderly loved one

Sorcha goes, ‘I don’t need a 26-old copy of Cosmopolitan to tell me that I married the wrong man’

Our daughter came out of the womb with two middle fingers raised to the world. That’s not down to us

'I’ve got my top off, and Réaltín’s looking at me like my old man turning his nose up at cheap steak'

‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly is not the victim. She is a highly intelligent young woman from a privileged background’

‘How could the child of a mother who puts the mental into environmental action grow up with a moral compass?’

'She’s hord work, my new padel portner. But the girl fascinates me. She’s like a female me'

‘Ross, this was my sliding doors moment. And I made the wrong choice’

‘The Leopardstown Races, eh, Ross? A great way to blow off the old cobwebs after Christmas!’

Honor is like, ‘There’s no chocolate Kimberleys left,’ and that’s when I end up suddenly losing my sh*t

‘Oh my God, is this really all the books that we own as a family? I’m so ashamed’

‘You need to look up the difference between mincemeat and minced meat. Merry focking Christmas’

‘I’ve never even cleaned up my own children’s vomit, I’m not mopping up after some randomer’

‘Sneaking around behind my wife’s back is something I’m very, very good at, in fairness to me’

I wake up on Sunday morning thinking, am I having one of my famous erotic dreams?

Sorcha is like me before every Ireland squad announcement – in other words, focking delusional

‘When I close my eyes at night, I can still see that bird’s horrible, leering face’

‘Sorcha, I honestly don’t think we can just saunter in here like nothing has happened’

‘Ross, this is all your fault, you sniggering halfwit - that daughter of yours has been going wrong since the day she was born’

‘Ross, didn’t you get a present of an All Blacks jersey once and use it to wash the cor?’

‘What does being Johnny Sexton’s hype man involve exactly, Dad?’

‘I’ve never seen Sorcha so upset - and given my record as a husband, that’s a genuine achievement’

‘Dad, you need to ask yourself what do you want to be – a rugby fan or a good father?’

Some things are more important than family. Rugby happens to be one of them

‘There’s no caps for your so-called matches against Mexico and, I don’t know, Guava Larva. I made the entire thing up’

‘It turns out that every single vehicle in the Mount Anville cor pork has had its tyres done. Except one’

‘A chap taught me how to hot-wire a cor this morning,’ the old man goes

I’m no stranger to seeing my old man standing in the dock accused of serious crimes

Camino Royale: the final exclusive excerpt from the new Ross O'Carroll-Kelly book

Camino Royale: the second exclusive excerpt from the new Ross O'Carroll-Kelly book

Camino Royale: an exclusive excerpt from the new Ross O’Carroll-Kelly book

‘Honor, there has to be a better way of trying to save the planet than this’

Dude, you’re not allowed to just, like, shoot seagulls

Father and son. From the same city. And we might as well be a donkey talking to a parrot

‘We caught the so-called SUV avenger tonight, in the actual act!’

People like us don’t get embarrassed. That’s how we’ve ended up where we are in life

‘What if the SUV Avenger turned out to be your daughter, Sorcha?’

The SUV Avenger has slashed the tyres on Sorcha’s cor

‘Bloomsday is God’s way of telling middle class people they have too much time on their hands’

There’s nothing like the school sports day to get the old competitive juices flowing

‘I want to have – oh my God – everything done?’ Honor goes. ‘My chin, my nose, my forehead, my lips’

‘What does Patrick Kielty have that I don’t?’ asks the old dear

The old man is a focking embarrassment at rugby matches