Earn Your Happy

280: Spoken Word Poem: Fear Marks the Spot

10.18.2018 - By Lori HarderPlay

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This past weekend I was invited to write and share a new spoken word poem at my soul sister, Danette May’s event. To say I was terrified is putting it mildly, but I did it! And while I’m still processing my the journey and the emotions around it, one thing I know for certain is that my fear is always the X that marks the spot when it comes to what fulfills me and makes me feel like I’m living in my highest potential. I shared a couple clips of the poem on social media, but have gotten several requests to hear the poem in its entirety. Always one to feel the fear again (why?!), I’ve recorded it on this episode and have provided the words below. If my words pull at your soul and you know someone else who would benefit, please share. Thanks so much for all of your support! Here we go… I got up today only to find that I’m still not yet where I want to be A little less “I woke up like this”  A little more - “existential crisis” – feeling stuck in my reality.   When I think about who I am now, compared to who I think I’m supposed to be  I wake up every morning, AND INSTEAD of doing things that set me free I put on a straight-jacket and wear someone else’s identity.    Not even accepting myself on my own ID  Height one inch taller Weight 10 pounds smaller Anyone else fear a lie detector test at the DMV – or is it just me?   Just the thought of trying to change my life makes me feel defeated  Like I got the short end of the stick Or like this bitch over here got all the talent  And I got cheated.   When I close my eyes, I can see my life’s vision But when I open them, I can’t see past my email, my thighs, my to-do list and dirty kitchen I mean what’s it gonna take to reach my dream, be seen, and get attention? Instead of growing my mind I put all my energy towards beauty, titles and Instagram mentions.   When will I be enough? Thanks to Fairytales and Ariel, I’ve spent my whole life chasing people and stuff “Look at this stuff isn’t it neat? Wouldn’t you think my collection’s complete?”   Still waiting for my Prince Charming, castle and Fairy Godmother Jerry Maguire said, “You complete me”  So feeling enough must ONLY come from a love.r   So many mixed messages, it’s no wonder we’re confused The world tries keeping us busy stressing over low carbs, waist trainers and red-bottom shoes They sidetrack us from our purpose with diets and promises of youth But it’s a choice to decide to be committed to finding and living your truth.   The other day I was walking past a man in conversation with his mate He said, and I quote, “You deserve the life you tolerate” I just about choked Cause at that point in my day I was feeling upset Sorry for myself because there are unlived dreams I haven’t met yet If what I tolerate is the life that I’m living  then you’re telling me it’s been my choice to not use these gifts I’ve been given?   They say through ownership I can get my power back I gotta be honest – easier said than done I was really hoping this whole personal development thing would be a little more fun…   True story – I was recently at an event like this Sitting in the audience And from the stage I felt the speakers words hit me in the soul much like a deliverance: I am not what you think I am; I am not what I think I am; I am what I think you think I am.” Let me repeat that…. I am not what you think I am; I am not what I think I am; I am what I think you think I am” Moral of the story is the only thing that’s stopping us, is what other people think  Get your mind off other people’s shit  And put your soul back in the driver’s seat!  The only thing wrong with you is that you think something is wrong with you.   Everything is right with you  In spite of you Ignoring the higher you The answers are all inside of you So why are you Gripping onto others view When what they think of you is…  NOTHING. Because they’re only thinkin’ about themselves.   The truth will set you free, But first it will piss you off And the truth is: If you keep fighting for your limitations, you get to keep them It’s time to stop choosing suffering  and choose to fight for your queendom.    I know the life I’m born for and the woman I’m supposed to be I’m embarrassed to tell you my soul is an undercover celebrity So where do I go if I believe the life I have now must be disputed  It’s like I can see I’m on screen But my voice has been muted It’s been so long since I’ve used it, or maybe I never learned how But lately something’s stirring, rising up telling me my time is now.   What stops us are the lies we choose to believe It’s an imagined future of pain that we think we perceive  It’s when I’m alone that my fears go viral Next is panic, then my anxiety starts to spiral.    I’m picturing judgment, comparison, an imagined future that’s not even real  It’s our past informing our future telling us how to feel! I believe the reason we feel pain is because we need to bridge the gap, Between our fear and our faith in our source and its unlimited tap.   In order to become the woman I’m chasing I have to let go of the woman I’m facing The mirror is the place where you have to fall in love With all the scars from our past  Reconfigure them from curses, into gifts from above Trusting that what you have now is what you need to begin And who’ll you’ll become will transform as you start to step in.   If I don’t start to take action now, it will be consequential  Because my biggest fear is dying, without reaching my highest potential ‘Cuz it just takes one to change your family tree and your bravery and courage is bringing your ancestors to their knees They may not have been able to use their voice or have what you do That’s why you must take action, They have blazed this trail for you.   But we have to wake up from the lie, and emerge from our comas To stop sleepwalking through life requires more than a kiss from a prince or diploma.   See, the magic of life is that it gives you clues And if you’re open and seeking you get glimpses of truth And in case it’s still in question, YES you’ve been chosen, you’re forgiven it’s written But you gotta SHOW UP - STAND UP - RISE UP - stop sittin’.   The map to your bliss is to follow it, and keep showing up It’s going to be messy, your hands will shake, you’ll get criticized and you’ll want to throw up Becoming the biggest version of you is the scariest thing you’ll do  You’ll have darkness and pain and some friends will leave you.   But I’m going to let you in on life’s ultimate hack It’s that you get to choose gratitude even when it feels like the universe doesn’t have your back. God wants to use you He guides those who are willing And it’s not up to you to decide if your dream is worth killing   You’ve got a soul contract to live into your life’s call  Don’t worry about failing, you will, it’s a part of it     But you’ve got sisters here to catch you when you fall Choose love Choose forgiveness  Choose courage Choose your truth.   Every single time you show up  It gives more hope for our youth Stay close to what makes you feel ALIVE Don’t just survive  That’s not why you’re here But you gotta continue to do the things that help you get clear.   PAY ATTENTION to soul hits, nudges and winks AND whenever you get them, take action and don’t think Sometimes when I’m quiet, when I’m running, or if Eminem’s rapping I’ll lose myself in the music and feel God start the tapping On three, everybody get up, we’re gonna start clapping   3, 2, 1…   Sister you're a star – you’re a strong girl Playin’ in your gifts - gonna start to change the world today You got glitter on yo' face Your hair’s in place Spreading your magic all over the place   Singin’   We will, we will rise up We will, we will rise up   Follow me on social media @LoriHarder on Instagram and Lori Harder on Facebook  

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