As I was speaking to different people about the various issues they were going through, it struck me that all of them, deep down, were suffering from the same kind of pain. One person was struggling with shidduchim, another was having difficulty finding a job, another was dealing with family issues, and the list goes on. Yet beneath all these different situations, there was one common thread — the pain of feeling rejected or excluded. The hurt of feeling unwanted was just as painful as not being married or not having an income. In fact, studies have shown that the same regions of the brain that become active when a person experiences physical pain also become active when someone experiences social rejection. Even a brief moment of rejection can sting — for example, when a phone call is declined or when someone passes by without acknowledging us. All the more so when friends gather and one person is not invited, when teams are formed and one individual is left out, or when a party is planned and someone is not included on the guest list. All of these experiences can cause deep emotional pain. The Gemara tells us that Rachel, the daughter of Kalba Savua, wanted to marry Akiva the shepherd because she recognized his great qualities, even though at that time he was unlearned. Tosafot ask that there is another Gemara in which Rabbi Akiva says about himself that before he became learned, he wanted to bite Torah scholars like a donkey bites — which seems to indicate that he did not have good character. Rabbeinu Tam answers that in truth he did possess good character, but he became angry at the Torah scholars because he felt that, since he was an am ha'aretz, they were distancing themselves from him. In other words, he felt rejected by them. In general, when a person feels rejected, it causes him pain, and naturally a person tends to dislike someone who causes him pain. People have a deep need to feel wanted, accepted, and included, and when that need is not fulfilled, it creates real suffering. How is a person supposed to deal with this pain? Fortunately, we know that every amount of pain a person experiences is precisely calculated and given by Hashem for his benefit. The Chovot HaLevavot teaches us that people are not truly capable of hurting us; they are merely messengers of Hashem. When a person experiences rejection, he should not think that there is something inherently wrong with him. Rather, he should believe that Hashem determined that he needed to be excluded at that moment for his own good. When someone is rejected in shidduchim, it is because those individuals are not the ones Hashem intended for him or her. When someone is turned down for a job, it is because Hashem knows that position is not good for him. It is true that a person does not necessarily need to experience rejection in order to get married or find employment, but if he does go through it, it is because that experience is necessary for his growth and benefit. The Reshit Chochmah writes that when it comes to kaparah, emotional pain can accomplish even more than physical pain, and if a person is embarrassed, it can erase countless sins. We do not fully understand all the benefits of suffering, especially emotional suffering, but when we trust that Hashem knows what is best for us, it becomes easier to bear. Moreover, when a person feels rejected, instead of remaining stuck in the pain, he should channel those feelings into heartfelt tefillah to Hashem. Leah Imenu felt tremendous pain when Yaakov chose Rachel over her. What did she do with that pain? She turned to Hashem and cried out for children and blessing. As a result, she merited to have six of the twelve shevatim. She became the mother of the bechor, the mother of the kohanim and levi'im, the mother of the kings, and the mother of Mashiach Tzidkeinu. Feeling excluded or rejected may be very painful, but we must remember that it is always for our ultimate good, and if we respond correctly, we can gain immeasurably from it.