We all have ideas, "mental models," of what things are and how things work.  Those models tend to change over time, both throughout history in in your own life.

A great example is marriage.  Did you know that several millennia back, a marriage was a property transfer?  A man needed help, a wife and kids.  So, the man made a deal with another family, paying that family a "dowry" for that woman.  She (and the kids) was property.

Did you know that same model is still true in some areas of the world?

If you are reading this, that is not likely to be your model of marriage.  Over time, western culture has shifted through several other models of marriage.  Some were utilitarian -- a marriage was designed to be a place to have a family and be secure.  Some were more about companionship -- to have someone by your side, throughout a lifetime.

More recently, we have arrived at what some relationship theorists have called the "self-expressive marriage."  We live in a self-expressive world, where if you feel it, you do it.  Follow your passions.

Let me be very clear:  I am all for personal growth.  I am all for a fully engaged and fulfilling relationship.  Unfortunately, we have taken this "self-expressive marriage" and turned it into "self-gratifying marriage."

There is a vital shift that seems to happen shortly after marriage for many couples.  You probably married because you wanted to show your spouse how deeply you loved him/her.  Many couples (how about you?) then make a subtle shift, asking "How are you showing me you love me?"  Said slightly more cynically, that amounts to "What are YOU doing for ME?"  Thus, the self-gratifying marriage, and one major side-effect:  when it is no longer gratifying, it is time to leave.

Is there, perhaps, another model for marriage?

Yep.  Marriage can be the stage for growth, relationally and personally, when we take that on.  Life is all about growing -- or stagnating.  Are you growing?  Is your relationship growing?

Learn more about the new model in this week's podcast (Listen Below).

 

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3 Steps To Saving Your Marriage

Marriage Is A WE

Save The Marriage System

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