Wife’s past killing you?

Can’t stop thinking about your wife’s past? Wondering whether or not your wife’s past is a “dealbreaker?”

If you’re struggling with your wife’s past, you are not alone.

[Transcript below]

Since I launched this website back in 2013, I’ve received thousands of emails from thousands of husbands struggling with the following subject: “Wife’s past is killing me.”

Sometimes, a husband has been troubled by his wife’s past since before their engagement. Sometimes, a husband only starts obsessing about his wife’s past years, or even decades, after the wedding.

Although I receive emails from men and women regarding all different kinds of “retroactive jealousy”—ie. intrusive thoughts concerning a partner’s past relationships/sexual history—emails from husbands troubled by their wife’s past almost always come down to the same topic: sex.

Some husbands are troubled by the fact of their wife having any sex with anyone else before they married. Thinking of their wife’s previous partners makes them sick.

Other husbands find out some “dark sexual secret” about their wife’s past which might be considered a “dealbreaker.” This is especially common when the wife is talking about ex lovers non-stop.

However, most of the husbands who write to me are fixated on just one “thing;” one event, one person, one scenario, one sexual act… just this “one thing” about their wife’s past that they can’t seem to stop thinking about. “I can’t get over my wife’s past” – common thought that goes through their mind.  

Regardless of what did, or didn’t happen in your wife’s past, dealing with unwanted curiosity and intrusive thoughts can be exhausting, depressing, and extremely frustrating. 

And let me be absolutely clear: there is no “overnight fix” for retroactive jealousy concerning your wife’s past. To get to the bottom of this issue takes some effort, humility, dedication, and an open mind.

And as I’ve learned after working with hundreds of one-on-one coaching clients and students taking my online course, retroactive jealousy is not just about what did or didn’t happen in your partner’s past. 

To get to the bottom of retroactive jealousy, we need to get to the bottom of our values, our expectations, our conception of ourselves and our partner, our childhood, our own sexual past, and much more.

All of this is to say: retroactive jealousy is complicated. (I wrote an entire book, and designed a 10+ hour online course on this very topic.)

However: if you’re struggling with your wife’s past, and you’re looking for a way to start healing, here are five suggestions and mindset shifts you can implement immediately.

I have a lot more to say about this topic, but hopefully,