Today we go deeper with our series about Women & Relationships in 2021. Jennifer Walden is back again this week with some heartwarming stories and advice! Learn what she means by “You can only walk on eggshells for so long, and then real life happens!”
Show notes at https://www.tamiwest.com/post/cyh74womenrelationships.

Episode #74 Women & Relationships with Jennifer Walden

Thanks for visiting with us at for Consider Yourself Hugged: Mental & emotional well-being.” Do you find yourself thinking, "Life can be so overwhelming! I feel so frustrated all the time! I worry about everything! I wish I could speak up more and not be a doormat!" If you're looking for improved mental and emotional well-being, please join me every Wednesday as we talk about how to make positive choices in your life.

*Disclaimer:
The information in this show is not intended to be therapy or to address your individual situation. It is information based on my experiences, opinions, and research. If you need further help, please reach out to one of the resources mentioned in the show notes.

About me:
Tami West, PhD 
Stress and Mental Health Expert Dr. Tami West uses her entertaining and 
compelling style to shine a new light on how to transform your life and discover solutions to life’s challenges. Her passion stems from a lifelong battle with an anxiety disorder which has uniquely equipped her to teach, encourage, and motivate others. 

Tami has worked in a variety of industries including healthcare, school nutrition, corporate sales, and 10 years as a public-school teacher. In 2013 she received her PhD in Human Development, studying the connections among stress, emotions, and identity. 

Dr. West has spoken in 48 states across the US, as well as the United Kingdom, Australia, and New Zealand. 

Dr. West is the author of several successful publications including two books: The Stress Club, Life Without the Monsters and Thrive. She is a mother of eight in a blended family and enjoys reading historical fiction, traveling with her husband Tim and family, and watching The Big Bang Theory.

Health & Fitness

In today's episode, we'll explore the intricate relationship between women, at https://www.tamiwest.com/post/stress-awareness-month-part-iii-money. 

Personal Reflections on Money

Growing up with financial instability can leave a lasting impact. Here are some reflections on how a poor understanding of money can affect decisions and stress levels:
- My childhood in poverty taught me that money was something to be spent immediately.
- I witnessed a cycle of poverty when $50,000 was received and quickly dissipated on fast food, small trips, and material things.

Understanding Poverty
We'll delve into Dr. Ruby Payne's book, "A Framework for Understanding Poverty," which provides invaluable insights into the mindset shaped by economic struggles.

Stress and Finances: A Gendered Issue
- We revisit the "Stress in America Report" to discuss how, while finances are a top stressor, they often remain an undiscussed topic.
- Only 52% of adults are comfortable discussing money, and 45% feel embarrassed by it.
- Women, in particular, feel more consumed by financial worries than men, with a significant number stressing over essentials and unexpected expenses.

My Financial Journey
I'll share my personal financial highs and lows, hoping to offer both cautionary tales and strategies for success.

 Successes:
- Employment from the age of 16.
- Purchased a car independently at 17.
- Initiated a money market and IRA in my first marriage.
- Paid off debt using the envelope method as a single mom.
- Utilized government assistance during a transitional phase.

Mistakes:
- Financed unnecessary items in my first marriage.
- Financial crises
- Halted IRA contributions post-divorce.
- Did not save for my children's education.
- Allowed worry to prevent action.

Practical Tips to Minimize Financial Stress (From Women are Stressed About Money)

To conclude, we'll discuss three crucial steps you can take to reduce financial stress:

1. Save for emergencies to cushion against unforeseen expenses.
2. Save for retirement to secure your future.
3. Plan and think ahead, especially for significant life events.

Understanding and managing money is crucial, especially for women who may experience greater financial stress. Let's reflect on our relationship with money and take proactive steps to secure our financial well-being.

I hope this has been helpful today, and thank you for joining! As I've always asked in the past, please pass the show link along to your friends and subscribe, download, and review wherever you are listening. If you’re a woman and you haven’t joined our private FB group A Place for Women, please do that now! It’ll be your source of encouragement. I'd love for you to follow my Tami West Seminars Facebook page as well.  And until next time, Consider Yourself Hugged 

Hug 164 Stress Awareness Month Part III: Money!

Recently I listened to a stress management podcast. I really liked her style and her content. It was odd, but there was one thing she said that struck me as she spoke about journaling: When we put our worries onto paper, it moves them from the emotions center to the thinking center. And then she moved on.

I thought, "I’ve given advice like that before. And moved on."

What I found myself wanting was examples. Stories. What did it look like when YOU did that? What worked? What didn’t?

That’s what we’re doing today.

First, I dug into that Stress in America report we discussed last week (click here to listen to that episode). I thought what do people need? What are they struggling with?  As you may expect, the numbers were worse for women than for men, so I decided to go that direction for the next 3 weeks. Even though I’m targeting women  here, the stories and advice transcend gender in many areas.

Next I looked at the top I for women, according to the report. They were:

58% family responsibilities
50% consumed by worries regarding money
49% relationships

So that’s where we’re going. Today, we’ll talk about family. Next week money. The final week, relationships

Next, I did some specific research and have 4 recent studies to share with you (Link and info in show notes at https://www.tamiwest.com/post/stress-awareness-month-part-ii-family-responsibilities)

So women want/need help!  But what experience do I have to talk to you about family responsibilities? Here's a bit of my background:

·      3 biological children born 1988-1992
·      Had my 1st son when my 1st husband was in the military. We were in Wichita, KS with no support whatsoever and my son was a very colicky baby.
·      I was in a psychiatric hospital when they were 2,4,6
·      Single mom of those 3 from 1998-2003
·      Got my master’s degree during that time
·      Gained 5 stepchildren in 2003
·      Traveled while 5 of the 8 still lived at home
·      Took care of my mentally ill mother with dementia while traveling
·      Cared for my father with Alzheimer’s

Did I do a great job during these seasons? Let's evaluate 

Hug 163 Stress Awareness Month Part II: Family Responsibilities

How embarrassing that I had no idea April is National Stress Awareness Month. Of course, I’m not a fan of the word, but I am a fan of helping people deal with this concept we call stress.

I was walking Charlies this morning, thinking Oh I’ll just do 4 sessions about stress, that’s what I do, that’ll be easy! But it wasn’t. I’ve been speaking about stress for about 20 years, and today I felt a real burden to try a different approach.

Today, Part I, isn’t about giving advice. Instead, it truly is about developing awareness and finding out where you are in your life. As I read the 2023 Stress in America report, this passage broke my hear:

Around three in five adults (61%) said people around them just expect them to get over their stress. Nearly half (47%) said they wish they had someone to help them manage their stress. Some adults (36%) said they don’t know where to start when it comes to managing their stress, and a third (33%) said they feel completely stressed out no matter what they do to manage their stress. In fact, two-thirds of adults (66%) said that, in the last 12 months, they could have used more emotional support than they received, and around a quarter (26%) cited the need for a lot more support. More than two in five adults (44%) said they don’t feel anyone understands what they are going through, and more than half (52%) said they wish they had someone to turn to for advice and/or support.

People feel lonely. Misunderstood. Helpless. Lost.

So today isn’t bullet points or 3 steps or any other step-by-step formula. It’s about me sharing my heart and, hopefully, you opening yours! Take a listen and let me know how I can help you! 

All links in show notes at https://www.tamiwest.com/post/stress-awareness-part-i-developing-awareness.

Thanks for joining!

*Disclaimer:
The information in this show is not intended to be therapy or to address your individual situation. It is information based on our experiences, opinions, and research. If you need further help, please reach out to one of the resources mentioned in the show notes.

General Resources National Alliance of Mental Illness: www.nami.org
Mental Health America: mhanational.org
Mental Health First Aid Resources: www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/
Celebrate Recovery: www.celebraterecovery.com/
About AA: www.aa.org/

Tami West, PhD Stress and Mental Health Expert
Dr. Tami West uses her entertaining and compelling style to shine a new light on how to transform your life and discover solutions to life’s challenges.

Connect with me:
www.tamiwest.com/
facebook.com/tamiwestseminars
www.linkedin.com/in/tamiwest/
tamiwest@tamiwest.com

Hug #162 Stress Awareness Month Part I: Developing Awareness

Today, I have a strongly worded message for my pal, Perfectionism:

Get out of my life.... today!!! 

I hope you have the same message. I didn't realize until recently that it has been rearing it's ugly head in my life again, and I will not continue to allow that! Today we'll talk about causes of perfectionism, the vicious cycle, and what to do for more peace.

Do You Battle Perfectionism?

·       Do you feel like what you accomplish is never quite good enough?
·       Do you often put off turning in papers or projects, waiting to get them just right?
·       Do you feel you must give more than 100 percent on everything you do or else you will be mediocre or even a failure?

Causes of Perfectionism

·       Fear of failure. 
·       Fear of making mistakes. 
·       Fear of disapproval. 
·       All-or-none thinking. 
·       Overemphasis on “should's.” 
·       Believing that others are easily successful. 

The Vicious Cycle of Perfectionism (See diagram in show notes https://www.tamiwest.com/post/goodbye_perfectionism)

So what's the cycle. 

First, perfectionists set unreachable goals. 

Second, they fail to meet these goals because the goals were impossible to begin with. Failure to reach them was thus inevitable. 

Third, the constant pressure to achieve perfection and the inevitable chronic failure reduce productivity and effectiveness. 

Fourth, this cycle leads perfectionists to be self-critical and self-blaming which results in lower self-esteem. It may also lead to anxiety and depression. “This time if only I try harder I will succeed.” 

Such thinking sets the entire cycle in motion again. 

Instead, try Healthy Striving

 Healthy strivers take pleasure in the process of pursuing the task at hand rather than focusing only on the end result. 

What to do About Perfectionism

·       Set realistic and reachable goals based on your own wants and needs and what you have accomplished in the past. 
·       Set subsequent goals in a sequential manner. 
·       Experiment with your standards for success. 
·       Focus on the process of doing an activity not just on the end result. 
·       Use feelings of anxiety and depression as opportunities to ask yourself, “Have I set up impossible expectations for myself in this situation?”
·       Confront the fears that may be behind your perfectionism by asking yourself, “What am I afraid of? What is the worst thing that could happen?”
·       Recognize that many positive things can only be learned by making mistakes. When you make a mistake ask,
·       “What can I learn from this experience?” More specifically, think of a recent mistake you have made and list all the things you can learn from it.
·       Avoid all-or-none thinking in relation to your goals. 

This will take time, but you can do it! And so can I.

Thanks for joining!

*Disclaimer:
The information in this show is not intended to be therapy or to address your individual situation. It is information based on our experiences, opinions, and research. If you need further help, please reach out to one of the resources mentioned in the show notes.

General Resources National Alliance of Mental Illness: https://www.nami.org 
Mental Health America: https://mhanational.org 
Mental Health First Aid Resources: https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/ 
Celebrate Recovery: https://www.celebraterecovery.com/ 
About AA: https://www.aa.org/ 

Tami West, PhD Stress and Mental Health Expert 
Dr. Tami West uses her entertaining and compelling style to shine a new light on how to transform your life and discover solutions to life’s challenges. 

Connect with me:
https://www.tamiwest.com/
facebook.com/tamiwestseminars 
https://www.linkedin.com/in/tamiwest/  
tamiwest@tamiwest.com

Hug #161 Perfectionism

Let's start by defining the word guilt:

AI definition: Guilt is an emotional state characterized by feelings of responsibility or remorse for having committed a wrongdoing or for failing to meet a certain standard of behavior, often accompanied by a sense of regret or self-blame. 

Dictionary.com definition: the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime.

So, in my summary,  the word guilt is defined as you are responsible for having done something wrong.   I am big on the power of visualization, so  I suggest that you visualize yourself in a courtroom, you’re sitting in the chair and the jury is trying to determine your guilt over an issue.  And it makes sense to visualize yourself in that court of law because the word guilt is so closely associated with trials.  

Let’s use an example here.  Let’s say that you have a job and you’re working with a team doing a project.  You finish your part of the project and you hand it over to one of your teammates, and you realize before you do that that you’ve made a mistake.  But it’s just a small mathematical error, it would take you forever to fix it, and so you don’t fix it.  You hand it over to your teammate, she finishes it, turns it n to your boss, your boss catches the mistake, blames your friend, and you say nothing. 

You go home, pick up the phone and call your friend Sue.  And you say “Sue, I made this mistake today and my teammate got blamed and I didn’t speak up and now I kind of...” what would you say, “feel guilty.”  We say it all the time, right?  I kind of feel guilty.  

Well, that’s a phrase you need to get rid of.  You need to throw that out forever because it doesn’t make sense to say I feel guilty because either you are or you’re not.  Now I know if I were you, I would be sitting there thinking, “Well yeah, but that’s pretty cut and dry.  But what about the other things I’ve put on my list, like not spending time with my children or not calling my mother or whatever it is.  Those aren’t so cut and dry.”  We’ll come back to those in just a minute. 

When I call my friend Sue and I say “I kind of feel guilty,” what am I looking for Sue to do?  I want her to make me feel better.  I want her to make my guilt go away.  Now its not that I’m trying to be irresponsible or shirk my responsibility.  Freud gave it a name; he called it the pleasure principle.  And he says we don’t want to feel emotional pain in our souls and we’ll do whatever we need to do to get rid of it.  And so what I’m asking Sue to do is to take away my emotional pain and I want her to say “Oh, it’s ok, you didn’t mean to.”  That’s what I want her to say.  

Now, contrast this, how does it seem different if I call my friend Sue and I say “Sue, I’m guilty of not speaking up when I made a mistake and someone else got in trouble for it.”  Do you see how that sounds different?  I am guilty of.  Let's take the phrase I feel guilty and throw it away and replace it with I am guilty of.  

On the other hand, what if you’re not guilty?  
 (Show notes for more at 
https://www.tamiwest.com/post/goodbyeguilt)

Thanks for joining!

**Not intended to be therapy or replace therapy - If you need further help, please reach out to one of the resources:
General Resources 
National Alliance of Mental Illness: https://www.nami.org 
Mental Health America: https://mhanational.org 
Mental Health First Aid Resources: https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/ 
Celebrate Recovery: https://www.celebraterecovery.com/ 
About AA: https://www.aa.org/ 

Tami West, PhD Stress and Mental Health Expert 
Dr. Tami West uses her entertaining and compelling style to shine a new light on how to transform your life and discover solutions to life’s challenges. 

Connect with me:
https://www.tamiwest.com/
facebook.com/tamiwestseminars  
tamiwest@tamiwest.com

Episode #74 Women & Relationships with Jennifer Walden

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