Episode 30: Angry Captain

INT. DINGY POLICE CAPTAIN’S OFFICE IN THE 80’s - NIGHT

The chair behind the captain’s desk is empty. Two men sit, smoking, in folding chairs facing the desk. CABINTIRE (Adam Lisagor) relaxes in one chair; FLEECE (Emmanuel Lewis) fidgets in the other.

FLEECE

Cabintire, I told you, man! Captain wasn’t gonna be cool with this!

CABINTIRE

Put your panties back on.

(Cabintire hands Fleece a pair of frilly panties.)

FLEECE

First of all, no, man, that’s nasty. And they ain’t even my size!

The door swings open, then slams shut. CAPT RIFFLES (Dennis Franz) stands looking down at the two detectives, shaking his head, chuckling.

RIFFLES

Detective Cabintire.

CABINTIRE

(Sneering)

Yes … sir.

RIFFLES

Would you mind telling me what this is?

(Riffles holds up a bloodied yoga mat.)

CABINTIRE

I believe they call that “evidence” in the police business, sir.

RIFFLES

They might have called it that. Before you took it home and wiped your Downward-facing Dogs all over it for a few weeks. What were you thinking?

FLEECE

Goddammit, man! You’re crazy! I did NOT leave Langley for this bullshit!

CABINTIRE

Why let a perfectly good yoga mat go to waste? Keep your panties on, Captain.

(Cabintire hands Riffles a pair of lace panties.)

FLEECE

Where you get all these panties from, man?

CABINTIRE

Oh, these? They’re a gift from my aunt. My Aunt YOUR MOM.

(The phone rings.)

RIFFLES

Yeah? Oh Jesus. (Hangs up phone.) We got another guy on the roof, over on 72nd & Waldorf.

FLEECE

Who? A jumper?

CABINTIRE

No. A fiddler.

RIFFLES

How’d you know that, Cabintire?

CABINTIRE

NO TIME. Get in my Vanagon, I’ll explain on the way.

ONE MORE THING: In the episode Adam briefly mentions Birdhouse, his new iPhone app. Although YLNT officially endorses BirdBath Pro Lite™ as our Twitter app of choice, we must admit that we greatly prefer Birdhouse. Learn more, watch the video, and buy the thing already:

http://birdhouseapp.com/

If you love him you will buy it. Do you hate him? Is that why you’re still reading this? Wow, I’ll let him know. I’ll let him know you made your point, loud and clear, pal. But don’t be surprised if, late tonight, you get a call from Detective Cabintire, wondering where his whiskey money is. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.