Sandwich smiles into the mouthpiece, teenage telemarketing salad days, LonelyWear’s autumn line, the secret of our success (at Macy’s), ham symphony, Karl gets fired from the Geek Squad, acquaintance on final approach, face school.

Important questions raised by this episode:

There were no important questions raised by this episode.



Photo: Photocapy, Canned Ham (Detail)

Episode 17: Where Is the Ham?

A Journal of Emotional Hygiene, staffed by lonelysandwich, scottsimpson, and hotdogsladies.

Personal Journals

Society & Culture

History

Philosophy

Places & Travel

Comedy

Our work was done. We'd said all we needed to say. We apparated from this world, much like monks who retreat to a mountaintop hovel. Only for us, we apparated via Greyhound and hoveled in an abandoned Bauxite mine outside Eufaula, Alabama.

Everything was going great. We each had our own little cavernlet in which to do our alonetime ablutions and adult irrigations, and every evening we gathered by the pile of old cigarettes to tell stories and scratch each others' bug bites. We chopped wood, and we carried water. We made forts. And, yes, somtimes, we cried.

Then, one night, we heard a cricket. 

Coming from... somewhere? Its chirp drove us crazy through those long 'Bama nights. Merlin suggested we get a lizard to kill the cricket. The plan worked perfectly. But that night we noticed the lizard looking down at us from its perch, really giving us the stink eye. Like it thought it was better than us. So Adam bought us a snake to take care of the lizard. And, then, somehow, there was a filthy Persian cat to take care of the snake. And so forth.

So, long story short: our cave is now occupied by a family of endangered Alabama Beach Mice (Peromyscus polionotus ammobates). And, we have returned to California. 

Also, we are out of money.  Links:California King — A new journal of emotional hygiene. From the makers of You Look Nice Today.

California King: "What is HØL?"

Whether you like baseball, chicken dinners, multilevel marketing, or The Price is Right, we offer several varietals of bespoke juices you can enjoy with your family for generations. 

Episode 51: Vintage Vape

Welcome to the You Look Nice Today® Scat Immersion Program™. 

No dogs, babies, or squares allowed.

In preparation for your first day on campus, please learn these key phrases, as they represent your final connection with your native tongue:

SCAT: Gom zibby, glom zibby, bop zibby domp!
ENGLISH: Please, do not raise your voice; I have a terrific heroin headache. 

SCAT: Bomp ZEE bop! Spoo-da-lee BEE zot?
ENGLISH: Has this pepper spray you’re selling me been “stepped on?”

SCAT:  Babe sop potta womp, bum bop zee bop!
ENGLISH: Your newborn baby is as uninteresting to me as the baking soda pabulum that’s currently passing for heroin. 

SCAT:  Bomp…zeep…bomp.
ENGLISH: Ha! I’ve once again taken heroin and fallen asleep whilst driving! 

SCAT:  Stomp dee-domp, stomp dee-domp, squeep bomp—DEE bomp?
ENGLISH: Have you a spare behavior modification helmet and some heroin? 

SCAT:  Salt PEE nutz!
ENGLISH: This uncut heroin you’ve provided strikes me as both deadly and affordable. 

Episode 50: Scat Academy (Part 1)

Scat Academy (Part 1)

As part of a pilot program, The You Look Nice Today Foundation (a Delaware corporation) has recently undertaken a groundbreaking new outreach initiative to provide comfort to those in theoretical need.    

So, YES: we will sell, lend, or lease you a built-to-purpose condition along with its appropriate consolation. 

But, NO: we’re absolutely not Santa Claus. So, get real, you big fakers.

In any case. Get well soon, and here’s that brief bedside visit from the late Sargent Shriver you never actually requested.

Episode 17: Where Is the Ham?

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