Sign up to save your podcasts
Or
Share 006 – How to Have an Argument with an Avoidant Partner
Share to email
Share to Facebook
Share to X
Share to email
Share to Facebook
Share to X
Or
006 – How to Have an Argument with an Avoidant Partner
“Avoidant” partners often attempt to protect the relationship during conflict by pulling away. This is ironic given that Dr. John Gottman has identified stonewalling – emotional withdrawal from interaction – one of the four best predictors of divorce.
Obviously, reducing conflict is one way to avoid triggering this response, however, conflict in our dance with our closest relations is inevitable. So how exactly does one have a fair fight with an “avoidant” without destroying the relationship? Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen and I explore this subject in our latest podcast.
http://wefulness.com/podcasts/006-HowToHaveAnArgumentWithAnAvoidantPartner.mp3
If the player does not show, you can click here to listen: 006 – How to Have an Argument with an Avoidant Partner.
—
Transcript
Welcome to Wefulness where we discuss the science of profound connection. I’m Wefulness co-editor Gregory Blake. Today we are talking with relationship expert Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen.
G: Hi Becca.
R: Hey Greg.
G: I have a question that’s been in my mind for a while now. With so much of the avoidants’ behavior being pulling away, I wonder how do you have a fair argument with someone who is avoidant? If you can’t talk to them or that is sort of my impression so I need some clarification on it. How do we actually have disagreements? Cause disagreements happen in all relationships, so I’m curious.
R: Okay, well that’s a great question, first off. None of us really like to have arguments, but we know invariably that they’re going to happen when we are walking in close proximity to someone, we end up stepping on each other’s toes. Or the analogy that Sue Johnson would use, we’re dancing with someone in a close relationship; we’ll end up tripping up on each other, stepping on each other’s toes. At those times, that’s when we’re really talking about. What happens then if the person that you are dancing with is avoidant? And when you get tripped up, what they want to do is get off the dance floor. That’s kind of the question, right?
G: Yeah, totally.
R: So, there are a couple of great ways to handle this. And one of the things that avoidants do is emotionally shut down. Sometimes physically go away, but generally what they do is emotionally shut down. So, kind of the heart, the openness, the willingness to engage – that becomes very protected. It’s a way of protecting the relationship really. If we are going to get in conflict. If that conflict then would lead to a rupture in the relationship, I’m not going to want to be in conflict. And that’s kind of where the avoidant comes from. So shut down the heart. Go into protective mode, protect the relationship and protect that emotional disconnection from elevating, from getting bigger. And the discussion from getting more intense. So it’s really around getting away from emotional intensity. So one of the ways that you can have an argument is to one, not have it be personal, not to personalize it; to be logical, stay cool, calm and collected. And not make it so that whatever it is you got tripped up about puts the relationship at risk. That’s really what they are avoiding, is putting the relationship at risk.
G: Is there a special way to say…someone’s husband is an avoidant, but is always leaving the toilet seat up. What would be the appropriate way to deal with that? Is there a special way to say that?
R: Well, what would typically happen is someone would say, “Hey, you know, we’ve talked about this 10,000 times and here it is. You’re still leaving the toilet seat up. What’s going on here?” Right? That’s the common approach that we would have that really starts disagreements. So for one, the tone is critical. And there is some sort of, “What’s the matter with you.” Blame, in that tone, and it really leaves out kind of an opportunity of, “What are your [...]
View all episodes
“Avoidant” partners often attempt to protect the relationship during conflict by pulling away. This is ironic given that Dr. John Gottman has identified stonewalling – emotional withdrawal from interaction – one of the four best predictors of divorce.
Obviously, reducing conflict is one way to avoid triggering this response, however, conflict in our dance with our closest relations is inevitable. So how exactly does one have a fair fight with an “avoidant” without destroying the relationship? Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen and I explore this subject in our latest podcast.
http://wefulness.com/podcasts/006-HowToHaveAnArgumentWithAnAvoidantPartner.mp3
If the player does not show, you can click here to listen: 006 – How to Have an Argument with an Avoidant Partner.
—
Transcript
Welcome to Wefulness where we discuss the science of profound connection. I’m Wefulness co-editor Gregory Blake. Today we are talking with relationship expert Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen.
G: Hi Becca.
R: Hey Greg.
G: I have a question that’s been in my mind for a while now. With so much of the avoidants’ behavior being pulling away, I wonder how do you have a fair argument with someone who is avoidant? If you can’t talk to them or that is sort of my impression so I need some clarification on it. How do we actually have disagreements? Cause disagreements happen in all relationships, so I’m curious.
R: Okay, well that’s a great question, first off. None of us really like to have arguments, but we know invariably that they’re going to happen when we are walking in close proximity to someone, we end up stepping on each other’s toes. Or the analogy that Sue Johnson would use, we’re dancing with someone in a close relationship; we’ll end up tripping up on each other, stepping on each other’s toes. At those times, that’s when we’re really talking about. What happens then if the person that you are dancing with is avoidant? And when you get tripped up, what they want to do is get off the dance floor. That’s kind of the question, right?
G: Yeah, totally.
R: So, there are a couple of great ways to handle this. And one of the things that avoidants do is emotionally shut down. Sometimes physically go away, but generally what they do is emotionally shut down. So, kind of the heart, the openness, the willingness to engage – that becomes very protected. It’s a way of protecting the relationship really. If we are going to get in conflict. If that conflict then would lead to a rupture in the relationship, I’m not going to want to be in conflict. And that’s kind of where the avoidant comes from. So shut down the heart. Go into protective mode, protect the relationship and protect that emotional disconnection from elevating, from getting bigger. And the discussion from getting more intense. So it’s really around getting away from emotional intensity. So one of the ways that you can have an argument is to one, not have it be personal, not to personalize it; to be logical, stay cool, calm and collected. And not make it so that whatever it is you got tripped up about puts the relationship at risk. That’s really what they are avoiding, is putting the relationship at risk.
G: Is there a special way to say…someone’s husband is an avoidant, but is always leaving the toilet seat up. What would be the appropriate way to deal with that? Is there a special way to say that?
R: Well, what would typically happen is someone would say, “Hey, you know, we’ve talked about this 10,000 times and here it is. You’re still leaving the toilet seat up. What’s going on here?” Right? That’s the common approach that we would have that really starts disagreements. So for one, the tone is critical. And there is some sort of, “What’s the matter with you.” Blame, in that tone, and it really leaves out kind of an opportunity of, “What are your [...]