Let's not forget the 'self' in self-help

Practicing self-acceptance can be challenging while we're holding beliefs that we should be thinking, feeling, doing or being something different to how we are. But unconditional acceptance of ourselves has the power to completely dissolve our strongest beliefs of inadequacy.

In this episode I take a look at two of the dynamics which can result from using self-help material before we've accepted our current mental/emotional state. These dynamics can keep us running in circles of feeling inadequate and then seeking temporary relief, without actually addressing the core of how we feel.

I share some of my own experiences and challenging times with accepting myself and how I realised I was using self-help material against myself instead of for genuine self-understanding and growth.

Highlights and Takeaways

* We can use self-help material as ammunition against ourselves.

* Using self-help material as a temporary fix is easy to do but doesn’t touch our underlying core beliefs of feeling inadequate.

* All self-help material is designed to help us. But if we skip ourselves in the process we’re missing out the most important part.

* Accepting how you are right now dissolves any feelings of ‘I’m not good enough and I need to be better.

* Accepting ourselves is us accepting everything that we’re thinking and feeling right now.

* It feels counter intuitive to accept such a strong unpleasant reaction.

* It takes courage to completely accept everything you're experiencing right now.

* Acceptance is an on going practice. It’s not something you do once or twice and then you’re done.

Show Notes

* Ben: If we don’t accept how we are right now (thoughts, feelings, our current level of clarity and confusion) and go straight to trying to fix ourselves with self-help material, it’s very easy for us to use this new information to reinforce a belief that we are not good enough as we are right now. That we are inherently inadequate.

* We can use self-help material as ‘quick-fixes’ for our feelings of inadequacy. When we just look for these fixes and haven’t accepted ourselves first, we may feel temporarily better when we apply these fixes or read some comforting words but we need to keep coming back and finding new material, new inspiring words, new words of healing and hope for us to feel better again. And it’s possible to continue this process for a very long time without actually addressing our deeper core beliefs of inadequacy, brokenness, wrongness, etc.

* Without accepting what’s already there inside us (before searching for self-help material) we can easily slip into just looking for these quick fixes and staying in this cycle of not really changing anything for ourselves, but applying these ‘temporary relief band aids.’ We feel a bit better for a short time and then those feelings come back and we have to do it again. So nothing really ever shifts in that process.

How We Use Self-Help Material Against Ourselves

* As I mentioned first – we can use self-help material as ammunition against ourselves to reinforce our belief that we should be better than we are.

* I was reading The Power of Now a few years ago, obviously that’s a book that’s been designed to help people. There’s a lot of information about how to step out of compulsive thinking. At the time I was reading this, my belief that I should be better than I was, was still very strong. And I’m reading this information and thinking, ‘oh my god, I’ve got to stop thinking’ and every time I had a thought I started beating myself up for always being out of the moment, ‘ahhh I shouldn’t be thinking!’ ‘ah I can’t do this.’ ‘This book is telling me I should just be in the moment and...