May is mental health awareness month.  I wanted to feature families who are in the trenches with it so I asked for input from hundreds of families and these are the responses they gave me

From a meme I saw on Instagram:

“Back in my day they didnt have all this autism and ADHD and anxiety and stuff. 

I think what you mean is that people used to go undiagnosed and get absolutely no help and were forced to suffer through their lives because they had zero support or understanding.”

Mental illness isn’t trendy, it isn’t “contagious”.  It is being diagnosed more because we know more, we have better education about mental health, we have better diagnostic tools now.  We also live in a society that is anxiety inducing, we’ve lived through a two year pandemic, we have a toxic political culture, we have regular school shootings, our kids have technology and social media and pornography in their hands. 

What I want people to know is that this is hands down the hardest most soul crushing thing I have ever done. I NEVER thought this would be our life. My motherhood journey. We didn’t CHOOSE this…AND this journey, these experiences, this CHILD is a gift, a blessing. I would love to take the pain away from my child, for our family, but I would never choose to change who he is. There’s too much GOOD there. There’s too much MAGIC. I guess what I want people to know is that it gets to be both. The pain and the pleasure. The anguish and the MAGIC. It’s messy and I wouldn’t change it, because if I did, Id have to change my brilliant child.

I wish people knew how isolating and lonely it is.

Ask me questions, believe me when I say my kids has OCD.  I’m not every exaggerating, I know my kids.

Dont act like its a dirty little secret.

Stop blaming our struggles on our parenting. 

 

Some things I wish people understood: how lonely it can feel, how hard it is to watch a child struggling and how it depletes you physically and emotionally, how expensive quality professional help is & the strain that can cause. Positives: I have cultivated friendships with other moms in the trenches. I love these women & feel safe with them. I have developed compassion, empathy and am less judgmental now. I’ve learned to trust God and surrender faster.

I think that it helps when I find others are battling the same things. Because it is so challenging that it feels better when you can look and see  others struggle with this challenge too.

I wish they knew that that judging and pitying and gossiping about mental illnesses further compound the problem.

Hopefully my saying this doesn’t make me sound heartless but here goes. We have been struggling for years with my brothers mental illness and have helped him over and over and over when he has been very mean. He refuses to get any help or get on any meds. There came a point a couple years ago when I feared for my family’s safety because of him becoming violent. That was when we had to say I’m sorry you are struggling but we will not have you in our lives anymore unless you admit something is wrong and get the help you need. It has been a very heartbreaking situation and many many tears shed but I had to put my childrens & my moms safety first. Mental illness is SO hard. It’s a constant struggle every day to choose to get up and keep going through the motions even when you don’t want to and working toward those days when it’s not so hard to get out of bed each morning.

We live in a world today where we are quick to label everything as toxic.  We are praised for cutting it out to better our mental health. And I want to challenge that.  So many of us that struggle with mental illnesses are cut off from support and loved ones because they label us as toxic.  What I wish people knew is that we aren’t.  For most of us, we are trying, we are striving to be our best selves, we have good days and bad days like everyone else.  They are just more intense.  How awful would it feel to be abandoned on your worst days because somebody labels you as toxic.   For me toxicity comes down to intent and willingness.  Yes there are toxic people and relationships and there should be boundaries and possibly cut off.  But I suggest these relationships are not as common as we are led to believe, those involve abuse and narcisissm that is ture or there is unwillingness to try.  For the rest I recommend you learn how to set loving boundaries.  We aren’t toxic, but we are a lot and we know it.  We live it up, set boundaries to protect your wellness but dont cut us off.  We are worthy and worth investing in. worthy of love and support.  Most things in life are challenging, they don’t come easily.

Parenting kids with mental illness: 1. Exhausting 2. Takes a lot of mental effort to use parenting techniques that work for them (I'm constantly researching, reading, and applying what I learn to help them) that I often don't have the mental energy to put towards other things so often some things are left undone (housework takes a big hit). 3. For a long time I felt so much isolation and judgement because my those I was at playdates with didn't get it. They seemed to assume I was being a passive parent and if I was more firm with my kids, their behavior would change. One mom, whom I considered a friend, told me, "We don't think you're a "bad mom" necessarily but I wouldn't ever let my kid do that. I would put a stop to it immediately and that would be the end of it." Another time when she stopped by my house and my kids were being loud and rambunctious, "You're raising a bunch of huligans!!" I have come a long way in not getting offended and realizing that people don't know what they don't know and to give them some grace. Also, I have found a small tribe that gets it and that is such a gift!!

Please listen to the episode for more words of wisdom from families in the trenches living with mental illness