"When you understand the difference between overwhelm and avoidance, you stop guessing—and start responding with exactly what she needs." One of the hardest questions we face as mothers of teenagers is knowing what our daughters need in the moment: Do they need us to step in, or step back? Push gently, or pull right back?

In this episode, I share what anxiety actually looks like in teenage girls—both the loud, visible kind and the quiet, easily-missed kind—and give you a practical framework for knowing whether your daughter is genuinely overwhelmed (and needs you to pull back) or avoiding out of fear (and needs gentle encouragement).

You'll learn how to read the signals, what each state needs from you, and one simple practice you can use this week to respond with confidence.

KEY TOPICS COVERED

• The two faces of teen anxiety: loud panic vs quiet withdrawal
• The difference between genuine overwhelm (pull back) and avoidance with capacity (push gently)
• How to read your daughter's body, voice, and responses to identify her state
• What co-regulation means and why your calm helps her nervous system settle
• The 60-second pause that changes everything
• Why repair matters more than getting it right first time

RESEARCH & SOURCES REFERENCED

Dr. Dan Siegel on Adolescent Brain Development Siegel, D. J. (2013). Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain. Tarcher/Penguin. Referenced Quote: "Honoring the important and necessary changes in the adolescent mind and brain rather than disrespecting them is crucial for both teens and their parents. When we embrace these needed changes, when we offer teens the support and guidance they need instead of just throwing up our hands and thinking we're dealing with an 'immature brain that simply needs to grow up,' or 'raging hormones in need of taming,' we enable adolescents to develop vital new capacities that they can use to lead happier and healthier lives."

THE TWO STATES: WHAT TO LOOK FOR

PULL BACK: When She's Genuinely Overwhelmed

Signs of Overwhelm:

• Body: Collapsed or highly agitated (can't sit still)
• Eyes: Distant, glazed, or showing real fear
• Voice: Either very loud (panic) or barely there (shutdown)
• Response: Can't process what you're saying OR desperate but can't take it in

What She Needs: Fewer words, slower pace, your calm presence (not solutions)

What to Say: "Let's just breathe. You don't need to do anything right now." / "I'm going to sit here with you. No pressure."

PUSH GENTLY: When She's Avoiding with Capacity

Signs of Avoidance:

• Body: Tense but not collapsed, deliberately turned away
• Eyes: Avoiding contact but present
• Voice: Defensive, dismissive, or irritated
• Response: Pushing you away, "I'm fine" with edge, resistant but engaging

What She Needs: Small steps, gentle structure, your confidence

What to Say: "Let's just do 10 minutes together. I'll sit right here." / "What's one small thing you could do before lunch?"

THE 60-SECOND PAUSE PRACTICE

Before you respond to your daughter's anxiety—about anything—try this:

1. Pause. Count to five.

2. Breathe. Lower your voice. Slow your body.

3. Observe. What's her body telling you? Is this overwhelm or avoidance?

4. Ask one question: "Do you want help—or space?"

"Your relationship is the safety net—not your perfect judgment. Sometimes you'll misjudge. That's not failure. What matters is coming back and saying: 'I think I got that wrong. Let's try again.'" YOUR PRACTICE THIS WEEK

1. Notice the pattern when your daughter shows signs of stress—is this overwhelm or avoidance?
2. Use the 60-second pause before responding
3. Ask the question: "Do you want help—or space?"
4. Practice repair if you get it wrong—come back and acknowledge it

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Important: This podcast is for educational purposes only, not medical advice. If your daughter is experiencing severe anxiety or mental health concerns, please consult qualified healthcare professionals. Full terms and conditions here.

Connect: Get in touch with any feedback about this episode, ask a question, or share if you have topics you'd like covered. Email: [email protected]