OP's wife won't stop hording microwave meals and now he has to take extreme measures. Americans believe a wild thing about where chocolate milk comes from and they don't enjoy being called on it. OP tries to give a cute name to some really creepy behavior. OP's girlfriend is super cool and it scares him.

Subreddit shoutout: /r/IllegalLifeProTips

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Intro/Outro Music is "Place on Fire" by Creo: freemusicarchive.org/music/Creo