Following the Fire

11: Grieving Leaving: How to leave a church

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For better or worse, one thing that comes with all the faith deconstruction going on these days is that a lot of people are leaving or changing the church they attend. Nathan has some great advice for those leaving, those who are left, and the leaders of churches. Wherever you fall on that list, this episode is for you.

Intro - 0:00

  • Nathan’s an enneagram 5, which gives him the superpower of reading in the dark??
  • Nobody's sure how to feel about it snowing in April
  • Steve is un-cleaning his office
  • We need butlers

    • Leaving a Church - 4:35

    • Listener requested topic: Leaving a church
    • Steve never got dumped
    • Nathan got dumped a lot by one person - then he married her
    • Breaking-up variants: The fizzle, ghosting
    • Breakup advice:
      • It’s better to be honest than avoid awkwardness
      • Give them space and don’t text them at 2 am
      • Give yourself time to acknowledge what you’re going through
      • Don’t jump in to something new
      • Don’t bring your past with you
      • Don’t isolate yourself; depend on community
      • It’s a good time to learn about yourself
      • There are “socially acceptable” times to leave because they’re not “personal”
      • Nathan’s Vocabulary
        • “Church” = local congregation
        • “Kingdom” = where God reigns
        • “Kingdom Community” = group of people with a kingdom connection to each other
        • The Kingdom is much much bigger than a church
        • Lord’s Prayer: “…Your kingdom come…” Matthew 6:9-13

          • The Leavers - 24:01

          • Important to find community of some kind
          • Look forward more than backward
          • Vindication and validation will likely not come
          • Jonah
          • It’s important to go through the grieving process
          • But try not to stay there - move forward, look forward
          • Remember when YOU were there when someone else left
          • There’s a lot of fear around leaving
          • If you move you get a cake

            • The Left - 54:52

            • People who are left at the congregation
            • It’s easy to rationalize by “they fell away”
            • It’s all tied to identity
            • Steve’s dream: People can go to another congregation and still have love and connection with the people at the previous place
            • Nathan’s dream: When someone leaves, we should think, “Wow, I wonder what God is doing in their lives!”
            • It doesn’t have to be an us vs them situation
            • Assume positive intent
            • Just listen to what they have to say
            • Be friends with who you were friends with
            • Don’t excommunicate because you’re mad
            • “…go talk to them…” Matthew 18:15-17
            • Jesus spent most of his time with those outside his kingdom
            • Pay attention to their FRUIT, not just where they go on a Sunday
            • “We’re not called to be faithful members, we’re called to be faithful followers. Showing up is not what we’re called to do” -Nathan

              • The Leaders - 1:10:31

              • When people leave, it’s a hard time for church leaders to be Christ-like
              • Gut reactions are dangerous
              • When Jesus shows up to places, people flock to him
              • “…whoever is not against us is for us.” Mark 9:38-41
              • Concealing sin and abuse is NEVER okay
              • Concealing abuse is never for the greater good
              • We should all try to learn from the situation
              • Article: “Losing Our Religion” by Russel Moore
              • Twitter: @followingthfire
              • Beware the rebound church
              • Send us your leaving stories (good or bad) to [email protected]

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