‘Babygirl stop screaming, please, I can hardly hear myself speak. I know we’re not on teasing terms, but… smile anyway. This is my only motivation. The invitation to play is sincere. Here, I’ll tell you what. I’ll give it to you straight. Think you can carry the weight of it? Possibly. Maybe you’re far stronger than I can even imagine you up to be. Maybe you are the dragon. Maybe I am your horse. If I pull you out of the sand, will you ride me into this fight? Maybe baby. But I hate maybes baby. All I have is tonight. And tonight, you are out of reach. How far am I willing to go? Am I following or am I lead? Please, my love, explain the difference. Please explain everything. I want to know everything! I’ll never believe what’s said. But I will listen willingly. Like a child, I will sit at your worn feet and beg, ‘tell me another story mommy, I cant go to sleep yet. Look! Mum look at me! I love you! Watch me dance! Look, I’m your baby and you’ve forgotten who I am.’ I wont call you my mom, of course. That’s just a story. You told me to tell you who I am. Well, here it is babe. It aint pretty, and its many lifetimes from the time it was asked of me. But all the same, it belongs to you. Once upon a time you walked into a tiny classroom just west of Golden Hill. When you did this, every atom on earth began gravitating toward you.’ 

‘Hi. I’m P.’

‘Hi P. I’m Juniper. You can call me Juni if you want. I like your bike.’

‘Thanks! Sage. You don’t mind if I call you Sage, do you? No! Of course you don’t! Can I tell you a secret?’

‘Okay P, fine, but only if you whisper.’

‘If you want to remember the beginning, you must follow me. You must wait little blue. I’m coming for you. Count to three thousand seven hundred and ninety.’ 

She runs and hides. 

I close my eyes. But not before I see every tree she climbs. I watch her jump into a ditch in the ground. I cheat. I lie. I will do anything to keep her alive. I run to the black abyss and scream bloody murder. ‘Are you alive!’ Nothing. ‘P! Stop hiding! I give up! You win! You can brag about my defeat for all eternity. Just, please, come out! I don’t want to win. I only want you to be alive. Please don’t die! Please don’t lie down on your collection of things and give in to a mechanical sensation of being alive. Where is your skin? Do remember where you left your body?’ 

‘You stopped counting at 28 kid. This is the shittiest game of hide and seek I’ve ever played. Lets swim instead.’ I stare dumbfounded. ‘But I saw you fall. P, I saw you and then nothing at all. When will you recognize the sea? When will you say it aloud? I’m a crybaby and I cheated. I stole your power and blamed parental guidance. I went away and didn’t say goodbye.’

‘Forget what you saw. Lets swim! Lets paint a river and jump in it. Lets go back to the very beginning. Hi, I’m P.’

‘Hi P. I’m Sage.’

‘Hi Sage, you’re kind of cute. I like your bike. What’s her name?’

‘Juniper, Juni for short, wanna race?’

I race you to the ocean. Want to know what you’ll say next? 

‘I’ll say fuck you, I like playing this game; I’m not in a rush to go anywhere.’

‘No. You’ll say nothing. It’s you’re favorite game to play. You know, there is nothing that hurts more than nothing left to say. Except sex scenes, of course.’

Whatever you do, do not remember fucking me. You’ll go insane. Then all hell will break loose and you’ll remember a stich in time; you’ll rip into it with your sticky fingers. Want to know what will be on the other side? Me being fucked by you; you’ll never use your mind again, never need to. Begin with me. Begin again. Be. Let go and let me take your hand. I will walk straight out of this shit and it will crumble behind your majestic presence, just in trailing behind me. Do you dare? Tell me little blue, what are you so afraid of? Sitting with nothingness? Being? Let me teach you how to be fearless. Let me show you nothing: freedom. Spend the entire day in a tree with me. Let the night lead you. You want me. Dear girl, you want that boy bouncing past your prison cell every night. Go! Take him! He’s doing it on purpose. He’s waiting. He will not come in. He is terrified of the fear in there. He won’t watch you die again. You must remember life all on your own. Then you must choose to put down the poisoned glass and run out after him. Move! Yes, I’m talking to you Portia, fiction or otherwise. You must wake the fuck up! You must remember who I am! You must scream my name in the middle of the street like a lunatic. You must sacrifice sanity. You must sacrifice everything. 

‘Sage!’ 

I keep walking.

‘Sage, please!’

I look up. The sky is red.

            ‘Stop walking!’

            I stop. Am I bleeding? 

            ‘Don’t you dare ignore me!’

Why do I feel the need to scream?

‘This blows Juni! Take me away. Please. I don’t want this anymore. Take me to the end and tell me I saved the day. I know how it must end. But tell me anyway. Tell me it was all worth it. Tell me we all begged our soul’s return home and lived happily ever after. Tell me the stars are still alive. I’ll crawl into your golden thighs and believe every word you say. Tell me a story.’

He turns around. You walk towards him. ‘Once upon a time’ he begins. ‘There was a little girl named Jade. She was supposed to sing. She was supposed to dance alone. Every night, for no reason at all. She was supposed to run into the street. She was supposed to scream. There was this boy, you see. This boy, who was, me, was made to stand by her side. He was made to be ridden, to lift her high into the sky. For her light was made to shine in the nastiest story ever written. She was his guiding light. He was her weapon. He shielded her sight. Half blind, as she was in the night without her glasses, she tried to catch him. He saw her run. He didn’t speak. She stole his voice. He brought a fight! She couldn’t resist. He let her in. She laid him down. He cried. What took you so long?’ He begged.

You reach his face.

‘I’ve been here, you fuck!’

I’ve been here the whole fucking time.

‘I’m here now sweet girl. Speak.’

‘Say it P!’

‘I just did!’

‘Say it again!’

‘Aloud this time!’

Okay, you got me P. Now what are you going to do about it?