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Welcome to the Expat Happy Hour, this is Sundae Bean fromwww.sundaebean.com. I am a solution-oriented coach and intercultural strategist for individuals and organizations and I am on a mission to help you adapt and succeed when living abroad and get you through any life transition. “It feels like we live in different countries, but we don’t.” That’s what she said to me sitting in my living room. And it was not the first time I had heard that. You know what I’m talking about, your days, your experiences are so vastly different that sometimes you feel like you live on different planets or maybe based on the way your partner talks to you, you get the impression that they are from a different planet, but this is what I’m talking about, when you are abroad with someone that you love and your experiences are so different it feels like it’s driving a gap in between you. Imagine these scenarios: Your partner is a leader in international organization. Your mother tongue is Dutch, but works in French, leads a West African team, drives in erratic traffic to and from work, is exhausted at the end of a long day every day and just wants to hang out with friends and family from the international school for an island of peace all weekend long and shut out the rest of the world. You, you’re at home, you speak English all day, It’s not your native language, but you’re good at it. You meet friends that are from Europe through the school and you guys have arranged dates for your kids to play. You do your side job whenever you can between pick up and drop off. On the weekends, oh you crave stimulation, you’re so bored. You want to get out and learn the local language and more about the culture, but your partner’s too tired and wants to say home. Or maybe your partner is always a way for business traveling from country to country and really where you live has no idea about the local culture or language. Doesn’t really have any idea what’s happening at home either because you’re the one who takes care of all of it and your partner treats the city more like a tourist site then how you feel like a local, and you know your partner could leave at any time, but you, you volunteer, you’re like deep in the community, you speak the local language, have plans with a large group of international amazing people all the time. You’ve worked so hard to set up a meaningful life here, so then when your partner comes and says, “Yeah, I’m thinking about leaving”, you feel super threatened. Or maybe your partner is from the country you’re living in he has a local job, speaks the local language, has friends here maybe for at least 20 years and knows about everybody. Of course, your partner finds opportunities easily and can change jobs at the drop of a hat because your partner’s embedded in the community. You, you gave up everything to be with your partner. You’ve worked so hard to learn the local language, but your accent gets flagged every time you go outside, can’t even order a beer at a restaurant with someone asking you what you said. You struggle so hard to get work, it’s not even close to on par with your experience, but you’re happy to have a job. Every day is an effort to do the basic things to go grocery shopping, to get the bus just to get things done and you’re constantly trying to adapt and to learn and not mess up at the end of a long day you lay awake at night missing your friends and family back home. What do you notice? Right one of them might sound just like you or maybe it’s familiar but with different details, I mean in these partnerships they are together, but they have completely different experiences, Just like what she said to me in my living room, “It’s like we don’t live in the same country.” You might have actually thought that once but the problem is does your partner know that? I think this is important that each of you understand that it’s like you’re living in different countries because your experiences are so different. I mean, what’s the problem If you don’t know that you end up feeling misunderstood, you see the city or country that you’re living in from totally different perspectives And then of course you have different priorities, maybe you’re afraid that they ASSUME that your experiences are similar, but they really aren’t. And the biggest problem is that if you live in different realities and the other isn’t seeing it, It has the potential to create a gap between you. So how do you change that? Now I could recommend to you that you sit down and you have a heart to heart talk, I could recommend, you know Marshall Rosenberg and nonviolent communication, etc. etc. But today I’ve got a completely different approach. I’m going to offer you three steps, but the first one is all about being playful. Afterwards, i’m going to ask you to kind of buckle down, but this first step is the most important and I’m so excited to share it with you because it’s going to be fun and it’s going to tap into something, I guarantee you new things that your partner and maybe you didn’t even realise yourself. Okay, so step one is what do you do when you feel like you don’t live in the same country as your partner is to get playful. And what I want you to do is something very similar to what I grew up with and it was called “The Newlywed Game.” It was a show, a game show, popular when I was a kid and it would be the situation where a couple, a newlywed couple, would sit there back to back and they would have to answer questions and compare them, and big laughs would come when he or she didn’t get it right or they had completely different perspectives, and the whole point of the show was to just be playful and learn, what do they know what they don’t know? And that’s why I’m asking you, I’ve got a series of 10 questions. And if you’re listening this right now I want you to know that if you go to Expat Happy Hour to this episode episode 115, you can print out the downloadable transcript and then cut out these questions from the transcript, give it to your partner and then both of you answer them independently and then share. So make it fun, do it in the evening, grab a glass of wine and it’s like a date night. If you want to get really crazy you could do this with another couple, but I would suggest doing it on your own, because sometimes some deep stuff comes up and you want to be able to just let it out with your partner. So here we go 10 questions, we’re going to play “The Newlywed Game” but for your expat life right now; Number one:  Complete the sentence with what pops up into your mind; Living in this country is like ______________ . Now when you’re doing this with your partner you are going to write down the first thing that came to your mind. Maybe something has already popped up to you like “Living in this country is like hell.” Okay, then can you imagine the interesting conversation that would come up if that’s what you said and your partner said “Living in this country is like paradise.” Okay, now let’s get curious, what’s going on there? Why are they different? “Okay, what’s going on? Tell me more? Why do you think living in this country is like hell? Wow that surprises me look at my own answer, look at yours. Tell me more, why do you think living in this country is like paradise?” Keep it playful. Okay, so when you hear their answer and it might trigger you, all I want you to do is go, “Wow that surprises me” or “Wow that’s different, tell me more?” Number two:  If this country were an animal it would be a ______________ . Okay fill in the blank, what would it be like? If this country were an animal it would be like an, I would say maybe elephant? Okay, if I shared that with my partner, it would be an elephant, why? Because an elephant is solid and it moves slowly but when there’s trouble it rumbles. Okay, so that’s what I would tell my partner, if this country were an animal it would be an elephant, then would share why, then I would invite my partner to say what animal they wrote down. Number three:  If I could stay in this country for the ideal amount of time it would be ______________ . All right, here’s where it can get really interesting. It would be tomorrow, leave tomorrow. Okay, then we’ve got something interesting to follow up with, it would be never leave. “Wow, why do you love it here so much?” Okay, so use these questions to get curious. My challenge for you is to not get defensive and not get triggered by these, stay in the spirit of play. All right, this is the time to learn and be curious and loving with your partner. No matter what their answer is try not to touch it and let it in. If you are biting your tongue just say, “Oh that surprises me tell me more?” Okay, promise me, you’ll learn so much more that way than if you get defensive. Number four:  What’s the best part of every day here and why? What’s the best part of every day here and why? We tend to do this in my family where at the end of the day we’re having dinner. I ask everybody at the table,  “What was the best part of your day?” You can learn a lot. Okay, if the best part of every day is coming home and has nothing to do with their day and how they spend their time, you might want to ask “Well why does your workday never show up on the best part?” You can get curious on what’s going on. Number 5:  What’s the worst part of every day here? Same thing, “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that, that sounds hard, tell me more.” Okay, so number 4 is sharing the best part of your day. Number five is sharing the worst. You can look here for sarcasm. If the best part of their day is when it ends there’s something going on here. Number 6:  I love this one: If you could get any superhero power right now to help you with your current challenges, what would it be? So this is an opportunity to share, you know maybe they say “I want to be invisible” or maybe you say you want to fly away from here, right? So, what is it that you say or your partner says, what does that say about your experience? If you could get a superhero power right now to help you with your current challenges, what would it be? So in the spirit of playfulness share it and see what pops up. Number seven:  If you could change one thing about your life here, what would you change? And then you could ask, well why tell me more? Number 8:  What is your favorite thing about your life here? Look at what is shared, do you share that, is it your children? Is it your weekends together? Is it the travel? In that question there’s so much potential to do more of that so your partner feels more joy or so you feel more joy, or you can understand what they appreciate about their experience. Maybe your partner says “My favorite thing about my life here is that I’m working on my health”, or maybe they say “It’s that I’m really finally making progress in my career.” You can hear what their values are right now with that question. Number 9:  If you could describe this country in one word, what would it be? One word, if you could describe this country in one word, what would it be? That says a lot? Okay one word, what did they choose? What do you choose? What does that say about your experience? How do you feel about where you are right now? Number 10:  What is the gift you’re getting from this experience? Not only does this help you realize where you’re growing and what you’re learning, you share that with your partner and then you learn the same from them. All right, those are my 10 questions for you to playfully explore the different countries that you’re living in with your partner. I encourage you to do this, literally go to episode 115 download the transcript, clip out the part with 1 through 10 and then do this with your partner do it together make it playful, keep it light. Why is this a great approach? Because it is playful, because if you are struggling and you feel misunderstood a little bit of lightness could go a long way, because it’s creative it gets you out of your head, it gets you out of the story you’re telling yourself,  it taps into your emotions, your intuition, your imagination and it offers a holistic perspective. And when you’re done this will help you see what you see is the same about your life here. And also what differences are important to keep in mind. All right, so that’s my sort of expat couple version of “The Newlywed Game”, my gift to you to help you invest in your relationship and create understanding. So go ahead and do that and let me know how it goes, I can’t wait to hear from you. But here’s the thing, once you do that promise me this; I want you to then (step two) check in a few months later, check in and say “Hey remember when we played that game? It was really fun and we learned so much, just want to check in with you, tell me how are things been going lately? Have your days changed any since we spoke? Has anything gotten better? Do you feel the same way about where we’re at as you did two months ago?” Check in with your partner. And here’s the thing, one mistake I see couples make is that when they share about how it’s going they say, “You know what? It’s really hard, it sucks here and I am just fed up.” So they dump out how they’re feeling, but what’s missing from that conversation is they don’t share why, why it matters. “It’s hard here because I value my Independence and I feel like I’m really restricted right now.”  Then you’re giving your partner something, they don’t just know that it’s hard, but they know why. “Okay, it’s really hard here right now because I’m super bored and I need stimulation.” Do you see how that gives your partner more understanding, more empathy? And maybe even you can brainstorm creative strategies to get those needs met. Spell it out, make it obvious for your partner, they will thank you for it. And the third thing you can do; You’ve played the game, you’ve learned a lot, you’ve had the conversation, you’re getting clear. And (step) number three; meet your own needs where you can. So if you’re feeling like you need stimulation then I want you to focus on what is one thing you can do today to bring a little spark in your life. If you feel like you are exhausted and you need rest, what is one thing you can do today to slow down and have five minutes of peace? Take your life and your needs into your own hands and see where you have agency to make changes in your life. So there you have it, if you feel like you are living in a different country than your partner and you are motivated to create more understanding and get creative about your life and how you’re going to move forward. Number one get playful check out this game, I’ve got 10 questions for you. I guarantee you will have some fun and learn something Number two check in, once you’ve done this eight weeks later check in and see how things are going, but when you do, make sure that you’re explicit about how you’re doing and what that means in terms of what you value or what you need, spell it out for your partner, he will thank you for it when you’re clear and direct And number three: meet your own needs where you can. You have been listening to the Hxpat Happy Hour with Sundae Bean, thank you for listening. I’m going to leave you with a quote from Jorge Luis Borges an Argentinian poet, essayist and short story writer. He says; “So plant your own gardens and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.” And what I want you to walk away with is that this process with your partner is about planting your own garden, so it will bear fruit and when you do you can share that with them.

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