Mental health is an important part of a person’s well-being, especially during the middle school years when children develop emotionally and face new social and academic challenges. Just like physical health, mental health needs attention and support. At this age, twelve-year-olds benefit from learning skills to help them manage emotions and grow resilience.

Children/teens aged 11-14 are going through many transitions: new friendships, more responsibilities at school, and figuring out who they are. These experiences can sometimes feel overwhelming. With your guidance, they can learn to understand and care for their mental health.

Some may face added difficulties, like family changes, social pressures, or personal struggles. In these cases, consider seeking additional support. But the steps here will help build everyday skills for mental well-being and resilience.

 

Why Mental Health?

Whether it’s feeling nervous about a group project, worried about fitting in, or struggling with self-esteem, mental health matters. In the short term, focusing on mental health can help your child/teen:

●      feel more capable of managing their emotions and reactions

●      strengthen relationships by learning empathy and good communication

●      develop greater self-awareness and control over their reactions

In the long term, they can develop:

●      emotional awareness and ways to express their feelings healthily

●      resilience in handling challenges

●      effective coping strategies for stress, worry, and other emotions

 

Five Steps for Mental Health

Here’s a five-step process to support mental health, build resilience, and nurture lifelong skills.

Tip: Healthy communication[1]  and a positive parent-child relationship[2]  make these steps more effective.Step 1: Get Your Child/Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

Encourage your child/teen to talk about their mental health. Asking open-ended questions lets them reflect on their feelings and understand themselves better.

Questions to Ask:

●      “What’s been on your mind lately?”

●      “What’s something that happened today that made you feel proud, nervous, or frustrated?”

●      “If you could describe a time when you felt worried or upset this week, what would it be?”

Active Listening: Show understanding by restating what they say, e.g., “So, it sounds like group projects make you nervous because everyone’s counting on each other. Is that how you feel?”

Trap: Avoid quick solutions like “Oh, don’t worry about it.” Instead, let them know it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling and that you’re there to support them.

 

Step 2: Teach New Skills

Help your child/teen learn to recognize and manage emotions by modeling different techniques. Introduce these skills in a way they can relate to:

●      Naming the Emotion: Teach them to label feelings[3] , like “I’m feeling disappointed” or “I’m feeling left out.”

●      Sitting with the Feeling: Explain that sometimes, feelings just need to be felt, like when they’re sad about a friend issue. Tell them it’s okay to feel that way.

●      Getting Perspective: Explain that emotions are signals, not facts. Say things like, “When you’re really mad, it feels huge, but it’s just one part of the whole situation. What else is going on?”

●      Shifting the Emotion: Teach them calming actions[4]  like drawing, walking, or taking deep breaths to help shift how they feel.

Actions to Practice:

●      Model by naming your feelings, like “I’m feeling a bit stressed with work, so I’m going to take a few minutes to relax.”

●      Teach calming techniques, such as counting to ten, listening to music, or visualizing a calm place.

●      Help them gain perspective by saying, “If a friend felt this way, what advice would you give them?”

 

Step 3: Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Make mental health strategies part of daily routines to build confidence and create lasting habits.

Actions:

●      Start a routine where you check in on each other’s day, e.g., “What was something challenging today?” or “What was a fun part of your day?”

●      Reflect on their emotions and how they changed, like, “You seemed nervous before that math test. How do you feel now that it’s over?”

●      Recognize when they try new skills, e.g., “I noticed you took a few breaths when you were frustrated about your homework. That’s a great way to handle it.”

 

Step 4: Support Your Child’s/Teen’s Development and Success

Keep offering support as they work on these skills. Check in regularly and remind them they’re not alone in learning to handle tough feelings.

Actions:

●      Give gentle reminders, like “Remember, you can take a break if things feel overwhelming.”

●      Check in on tough days by asking, “How are things going? Is anything feeling extra stressful?”

●      If they seem stuck, try asking, “What else could we do to make this a bit easier?”

 

Step 5: Recognize Efforts

No matter how old your child/teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child/teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s/teen’s confidence. Your recognition also promotes safe, secure, and nurturing relationships -- a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow. 

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s/teen’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s/teen’s behavior.   

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child/teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “I’m really proud of how you sat with your frustration earlier rather than avoiding it!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment, such as a smile or hug.

 

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child/teen knows what to expect. It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child/teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. Rewards can decrease a child’s/teen’s internal motivation if used too often.     

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis. While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.Trap: It can be easy to resort to bribes when recognition and occasional rewards are underutilized. If parents or those in a parenting role frequently resort to bribes, it is likely time to revisit the five-step process[5] .

 

Actions:

●      Point out specific successes, like, “I’m so impressed that you stayed calm when your friend canceled plans. That was a great example of handling disappointment.”

●      Create small rewards for practicing mental health strategies, like spending time together doing something they enjoy.

●      Give specific praise, saying, “It was really brave of you to talk about your worries instead of holding them inside.”

 

Closing

Supporting mental health and building resilience is an ongoing journey. By following these steps, you’re helping your child/teen manage their emotions now and gain tools they’ll use in the future. Building mental health skills encourages resilience and self-awareness, preparing children/teens for life’s challenges.

Reference

For more information on children and mental health: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/children-and-mental-health

Recommended Citation: Center for Health and Safety Culture. (2024). Navigating Mental Health and Developing Resilience. Ages 11-14. Retrieved from https://www.ToolsforYourChildsSuccess.org

© 2024 Center for Health and Safety Culture at Montana State University

This content does not necessarily reflect the views or policies of the Tools for Your Child’s Success communities, financial supporters, contributors, SAMHSA, or the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

Link https://toolsforyourchildssuccess.com/iwtkm/communication/intentional-communication

Link https://docs.google.com/document/d/1llJetZ909-auv48aX6yT3PmbWT1Ibr32/edit#heading=h.gjdgxs

Link https://toolsforyourchildssuccess.com/iwtkm/communication/i-feel

Link https://toolsforyourchildssuccess.com/iwtkm/communication/calm-down-strategies-for-parents-and-children

Link https://toolsforyourchildssuccess.com/iwtkm/parenting-process/parenting-process-for-your-childs-success

Trust is an important foundation for healthy relationships. As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your twelve-year-old’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child/teen relationship and understand how to promote trust in your child/teen.

Lying represents an important milestone in your child’s/teen’s thinking as they learn that others have different beliefs and perspectives than their own. Experimenting with lying is a normal part of child development. Children/Teens can begin to lie and understand deception as early as preschool to cover up actions that they know are against the rules. A complete understanding of lying and its consequences continues to develop throughout childhood and adolescence as part of their cognitive and moral development.

Children/Teens ages eleven to fourteen are in the process of understanding and making predictions about others’ thoughts and feelings. As they do, they also may seek to hide the truth, particularly if they fear harsh judgment from respected adults or peers. They are also testing boundaries and taking more risks socially and academically. Their risk-taking can often lead to mistakes, misbehaviors, or even failure. 

Often, lies relate to challenges with impulse control. For example, an eleven-year-old might think, “I wish I had more friends and was popular. If I tell those kids I have the most expensive gaming system, they may think I’m cool and invite me to hang out with them.” Though younger children cannot distinguish between the subtleties of deception, those eleven and older can understand the differences between honest mistakes, guesses, exaggerations, sarcasm, and irony.

The key to many parenting challenges, like raising children/teens who grow in their understanding of the value of truth-telling, is finding ways to communicate so that both your and your child’s/teen’s needs are met. The steps below will prepare you to help your child/teen learn more about your family values, how they relate to lying, and how you can grow and deepen your trusting relationship.

Why Lying?

Whether it’s your eleven-year-old lying about eating the lunch you packed them for school, your twelve-year-old lying about failing a test, or your fourteen-year-old telling you a friend’s parents are home supervising them when they aren’t, your child’s/teen’s ability to tell the truth can become a regular challenge if you don’t create plans and strategies. 

Today, in the short term, honesty can create

●      greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment 

●      trust in each other

●      a sense of well-being for a parent and teen

●      added daily peace of mind

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child/teen

●      builds skills in self-awareness

●      builds skills in social awareness, perspective-taking, empathy, and compassion

●      builds skills in self-control

●      develops moral and consequential thinking and decision-making

Five Steps for Teaching Your Child/Teen About Honesty

This five-step process helps you teach your child/teen about honesty. It also builds essential skills in your child/teen. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[1] ).

Tip: These steps are best when you and your child/teen are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and a healthy parenting relationship[3]  support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Child/Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

You can get your child/teen thinking about honesty by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s/teen’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to honesty so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child/teen

●      has the opportunity to become more aware of how they are thinking and feeling related to lies and truth

●      can begin to formulate what it means to be in a trusting relationship

●      can think through and problem-solve any temptations to lie they may encounter ahead of time

●      has a greater stake in anything they’ve designed themself (and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for implementing new strategies and taking responsibility for their relationships)

●      will have more motivation and courage to take responsibility for their actions

●      will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life

Actions

●      Ask questions and listen carefully to your child’s/teen’s responses since they will shape how you talk about lying and honesty. Questions you could ask include: 

○      “Who do you trust and why?” 

○      “What’s important to you about honesty?”

○      “Have you ever been lied to? How did it feel?”

○      “When are you tempted to lie?”

○      “What’s the worst thing that could happen if you tell the truth about a misbehavior?”

Tip: Children/Teens don’t want to be in the spotlight, and questions can feel like an interrogation. So, look for comfortable windows of opportunity to introduce the questions. For example, is your child/teen telling you about a friend who lied to her parents? Or are you watching someone lie on a reality television show together? Those are ideal moments to move into these kinds of conversations.Step 2. Teach New Skills

Being honest about motivations, feelings, limitations, and choices can be tough for adults. It’s no wonder children/teens have difficulties figuring out when, how, and why honesty is important. Learning about developmental milestones[4]  related to honesty and moral development can help parents know how to help their child/teen.^1^

●      Eleven-year-olds can be more impulsive, so they may speak before thinking through what they will say. Lies might be blurted out with little thought, either trying to impress friends and fit in or attempting to cover up mistakes with parents. They can be defensive about their mistakes and more sensitive. They desire testing limits and may do so more at home than in school.

●      Twelve-year-olds are gaining confidence in sharing ideas and opinions with peers and adults. They need adults to listen well and provide support as they consider serious issues such as drugs or alcohol. Lying can occur at this point about higher risk issues, so building trust with this age group is key.

●      Thirteen-year-olds are very sensitive to peer pressure and may exert it on others. Lying can enter discussions about peers with other friends. They may experience more moodiness as they attempt to establish greater independence.

●      Fourteen-year-olds may act like they “know it all” and could lie to cover up that they do not. They are searching for more independence and may be distancing themselves from their parents more. But, they tend to be more willing to admit mistakes and more invested in understanding the bigger world.

In addition to understanding the developmental milestones your child/teen is going through, it can also be helpful to consider where they are challenged with honesty. Reflect and ask yourself, “In what circumstances have I noticed my child/teen lie?” If it involves several areas, write them down and consider how you might use one or several teaching tools to help your child/teen learn.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child/teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. This is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences[5]  for unmet expectations.

Actions 

●      Model honesty. Modeling honesty could be sharing aloud what you are thinking when expressing how you feel since this is an area where adults tend not to share their honest feelings fully. For example, you could share the opposite of the truth first and then share what the truth for you is. This shows your child/teen the contrast and makes your own internal debate apparent. For example, “I am tempted to say that I feel just fine in response to your ‘How are you?’ But, the truth is that I am upset about a conversation I had at work, and I can’t seem to get it off my mind.”

●      Teach your child/teen to take a breath before answering a question. This will give your child/teen a moment to allow their thinking brain to catch up with their reactive/emotional brain and allow them the opportunity to share a more honest response.

●      Ask the right questions to help your child/teen succeed. Instead of “Did you do this?” ask, “Tell me what happened.”

●      Catch your child/teen telling you the truth, particularly when difficult for them. You can say, “I know it was hard to tell me the truth, and I appreciate your honesty.”

●      Talk about trust and how it is built slowly but can be broken quickly. Help your child/teen understand that lies today lead to a lack of trust that will significantly impact them tomorrow. For example, if you can’t trust their word about whose house they are going to today, you will not trust them about where they are going when they are older. 

●      Take time to examine how you feel when your child/teen lies. Many parents value honesty and may worry that lies in childhood will equate to dishonest characteristics in their child/teen. While it is important to teach honesty, it is essential to remember that it is developmentally appropriate for a child/teen to lie if they are concerned about a negative consequence. A calm approach will help your child/teen do the brave work of learning honestly, even when it is hard. 

●      Learn about moral development. In understanding how moral development emerges in your children/teens, Carol Gilligan proposed three stages she called “The Stages of an Ethic of Care.”^2^ These three stages can help you understand and empathize with your child’s/teen’s point of view and help you set goals for guiding them forward. 

○      Selfish

■      Every person’s worldview begins with a survival perspective focused only on themselves. This worldview (infancy through nine years old) assists young children in focusing on securing relationships and establishing their support for survival so that they can open their minds to other possibilities later in life. This focus on a secure attachment allows children/teens to form healthy relationships and gives them the confidence to explore school and their world beyond home.

■      In this worldview, rules are given by authorities, not questioned but obeyed, and taken literally. If they are disobeyed, there is punishment. But, if a child/teen remains stuck in this survivalist worldview, it limits their growth and ability to demonstrate care for themselves and others. It also limits making decisions that take responsibility for one’s role in a larger community. As a person moves out of this phase, there is a questioning of authority, which is necessary to move from a sense of selfishness and survival to responsibility.

○      Social 

■      In this phase of moral development, caring for others takes primacy. A core sense of responsibility is established. Awareness of others surrounding the individual and their impact on others becomes the focus. In this stage, self-sacrifice is good. Individuals may care for others while ignoring their own needs. They may even harm themselves (perhaps inadvertently) to help others. In this stage, the individual becomes aware of the rules of the wider society and obeys them to avoid guilt. 

■      Moving out of this phase into the final phase, the individual moves from goodness to truth and from responsibility to gain approval to an internalized compass for not hurting oneself or others.

○      Principled 

■      Most people never evolve their worldview to this place, though this is the final stage. In this stage, the person’s thinking evolves to valuing nonviolence and making decisions, however complex the situation, relative to not harming self or others. Though this kind of thinking and the following actions are rare, it certainly is a level to pursue and promote with children/teens.

■      As with all stages of development, individuals can dip into former stages depending upon the circumstances. The previous stages are always a part of a person. 

●      Teach positive behaviors when you identify misbehaviors. Children/Teens are most tempted to lie when they make a poor choice or mistake. With that knowledge, each time your child/teen breaks a rule, consider the question: “What positive behavior can I teach my child/teen to replace what I’ve told them not to do?”

●      The following simple process, interactive modeling, can be used by teachers to become a powerful teaching tool for parents.^3^ 

○      Say what you will model and why.

○      Model the behavior. 

○      Ask your child/teen what they noticed.

○      Invite your child/teen to model. 

○      Ask what they noticed with their modeling. 

○      Practice together.

○      Provide specific feedback starting with strengths using “I notice…” statements.

○      Share your family values and need for trust. 

●      At a family meal, share a personal story about how trust between family members has been critical in a safety or other important situation. Talk about how you come up with alternative solutions when tempted to lie.

Trap: Children/Teens who fear punishment when misbehaving are prone to lie to cover up their mistakes. Part of your modeling as parents requires learning more about how to teach responsibility and self-discipline through alternative strategies. Trap: Children/Teens who are left alone frequently and whose needs are neglected often turn to lying to find attention, take unhealthy risks, and meet their needs in ways that can be self-destructive and potentially destructive to others.Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Practice can be cooperatively working together or trying out a new skill with you as a coach and ready support. Practice is more than just nice. It’s necessary for children/teens to internalize new skills. Practice makes vital new brain connections that strengthen each time they perform the new action.

Actions

●      Use “I’d love to hear…” statements. You may want to offer your child/teen practice in truth-telling when it’s tempting to lie. When you notice misbehavior, before your child/teen can attempt to cover it up, you might say, “I imagine that part of you wants to lie right now, so I’d love to hear how you take responsibility for this so we can both learn.”

●      Follow up when your child/teen makes mistakes, helping them repair harm. If they know there are action steps they can take to make things better after a poor choice, they are far less likely to feel the need to lie. 

●      Find small opportunities to help your child/teen mend relationships. Siblings offer a regular chance to practice this! If there’s fighting, talk to your child/teen about how they feel first. When you’ve identified that they had a role in causing harm, brainstorm together how they might make their sibling feel better. You might ask, “What could you do?” Allow your child/teen to supply answers. Support and guide them in following through on selecting one and doing it. Your follow-through will help your child/teen follow through while internalizing a critical lesson.

●      Recognize effort. Frequently, children/teens get feedback on what they are not doing right, but how often do you recognize when they are working on their behaviors? Recognize effort by saying “I notice…” like, “I notice you told me you broke the plate even though you were worried about how I would react—I appreciate your honesty!”

●      Focus on the logical consequences of dishonesty. If your child/teen lies about taking an extra piece of candy, talk about it and, better yet, show the logical consequences. For example, if they lie about taking a piece of candy, the logical consequence could be that they do not get any more sugary treats for the day. 

●      Discuss characters in stories. Courage to be true to self is a universal theme that comes up in literature time and again. Find these heroes, particularly those who are flawed and human. Point out their faults and frailties and then learn together how they triumph. Be sure to discuss how the conquering hero has to make choices that do not align with what others want.

●      Proactively remind. Often, parents have a sense of when a child/teen is tempted to lie. Just before they do, you may whisper in their ear, “Remember to tell the truth even when you make mistakes, and then we’ll figure out the rest together.”

Tip: The best way to turn around misbehavior is to recognize when and how your child/teen makes good choices and acts positively in similar circumstances. They need to learn what to do and what not to...

Twelve-year-olds require the ability to follow directions to get along at home and to succeed at school. Whether they are completing chores, following safety instructions, completing assignments, or showing their knowledge on tests, they will need to be able to follow directions. Though telling your child to do something may seem simple enough, listening and engaging in several steps in instruction necessitates many brain functions in addition to motivational factors.  

Children/teens ages eleven to fourteen are working on understanding what it means to act responsibly. They are working to understand the rules and apply them in various settings. They are working on their independence. They are increasingly caring for their bodies (eating right, getting exercise). They are learning about relationships (managing their feelings and impulses, empathizing and working through conflict, being dependable, and keeping promises). They meet school requirements (manage homework and extracurriculars) and contribute to the household in which they live (do chores and cooperate with rules and expectations). 

They are also working to define their identity. As they develop, as part of their growing self-awareness and self-management, they will test boundaries, forget things, and break rules. When they do, they require guidance on approaching a hurt relationship, revisiting missed obligations, and repairing harm. This is a normal part of their development and necessary for learning how to take responsibility. 

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you can be deliberate in offering instructions to help your child/teen follow directions. Understanding multiple-step directions engages their short-term and complex working memory, an executive function that requires practice and development over time. In the case of short-term memory, you might ask your child/teen, “Would you complete your homework before dinner, get your shower done after dinner, and be in bed by nine, please?” They need to remember those three items as they move on to their homework. In an academic setting, as another example, a teacher may say, “At the end of our class, I’ll give you time to take out your pencils, read the directions at the top of the page, and fill in only questions 3. and 5.” Students have to retain that information as the teacher moves on to other topics and also plan for what they will need to do when they come to the time when they have to implement the teacher’s instructions. This expectation utilizes complex working memory and can be challenging for students.^1^

Following directions can involve all five core social and emotional competencies[1] . Children/teens may need to know their strengths and limitations (self-awareness) to complete the tasks given. They must use their self-management skills to wait and focus on what’s been instructed when necessary. They may require social awareness or empathy as they work to understand the needs, feelings, and thoughts of the one giving them directions. They will use their relationship skills by listening actively to what’s required. They will also use their responsible decision-making skills to decide whether and how to follow through with a request or instruction.

Some parents and those in a parenting role may feel frustrated and even angry when their children/teens do not follow their directions as they requested. A parent may perceive that a child/teen who is not following their directions is being defiant or disrespectful, when in reality, there may be another reason for the behavior. There are several factors to consider when a child/teen does not follow a direction. When faced with this situation, a parent may ask themselves:

-       Does the child/teen have the capacity and skills to follow the directions? 

-       Does the child/teen have any barriers to completing the tasks given, including motivational or environmental obstacles (like, for example, a sibling distracting them or a fear of failure or criticism)?

-       Have you communicated in ways that a child/teen can best understand, listen to, retain, and act successfully?

Building a trusting relationship can provide the foundational safety and motivation for your child/teen to follow directions. Using teachable moments that grow your child’s/teen’s skills can be transformational in preparing them to follow directions at home and school. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters. 

Why follow directions?

When your eleven-year-old can’t seem to remember to brush their teeth before bedtime without multiple reminders or your thirteen-year-old appears to forget what you’ve asked them or to do the moment they leave your sight, these situations are opportunities to support your child/teen in following directions. 

Today, in the short term, preparing your child/teen for following directions can create

●      a sense of confidence that you can help your child/teen retain calm and focus

●      a greater understanding of the connection between your child’s/teen’s feelings and their behaviors 

●      competence in managing, focusing on, and executing multiple requests

●      trust each other that you are helping them learn and act in ways that will help them succeed at home and school

Tomorrow, in the long term, following directions will help your child/teen

●      build skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision-making 

●      learn independence and self-sufficiency

Five Steps for Following Directions

This five-step process helps you understand the motivation for and build the skills in your child/teen to follow directions. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process)[2] .

Tip: These steps are done best when you and your child/teen are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[3]  and a healthy parenting relationship[4]  support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Child/Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

Three essential factors can influence a child/teen’s ability to follow through fully on directions. First, they must feel they have the skills and ability to perform the task they are asked to perform. Some will be willing to try a new task without much practice, but others may feel they require competence before performing a task. Second, they must be able to retain the request (working memory), especially if there are multiple steps or asks in the request. Finally, they will also require motivation to follow through on the given tasks. The conditions for motivation come from a safe, trusting relationship but can also be influenced by their feelings.

You can ask questions to gauge whether these conditions have been met so that your child/teen is ready to follow directions.

Actions

You might ask your child/teen:

●      Have you done this task before? If not, do you need to practice together or other support while trying it out?

●      If they have done it before, what was your experience last time you did this task? How did you feel about it?

●      Can you recall the three steps I asked you to take? 

●      How do you feel about doing this task? 

Children/teens ages eleven to fourteen are still learning to understand their feelings (especially when they have many or some that conflict), other people’s feelings, and how their actions affect others. So they may not be able to answer that question fully. This feelings list can help.[5]  They will need your support to figure this out. When you and your child/teen are calm, reflect on their feelings so you can be prepared to help. Ask yourself:

●      “Do they have an unmet need?” They might need someone to listen or give them attention, some alone time, or some help to be successful at something they are trying to do. 

●      You can ask them about how they are feeling.

○      “I noticed your eyes widened when I asked you to finish your homework. Are you worried you won’t understand your homework?” 

○      “I asked you to grab three things from the closet, and you looked confused. Do you know which items I meant?”

●      Use your best listening skills! Listen closely to your child’s/teen's concerns without projecting your thoughts, concerns, and feelings. It helps to use a paraphrasing technique to ensure you fully understand what your child/teen is communicating. Sometimes, we can identify the feelings behind their words, including a fear of failure.

○      Paraphrasing is repeating to the person a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is and confirm to the speaker that you have heard them. It may seem awkward initially, but this step is a meaningful way to check your understanding while teaching children how to listen for comprehension. It might go something like this: 

■      Child/teen: “I'm taking care of things, Mom.” 

■      Parent modeling paraphrasing: “So, I hear you are taking care of things.” 

■      If you hear a subtext of feeling, as in this example, you can reflect back the feeling implied. Also, you can seek further clarification if it’s needed. Parent reflecting feeling: “I can hear also that you might be feeling frustrated that I’m reminding you about your homework.”

●      Explore the mind-body connection. In calmer moments with your child/teen, ask, “How does your body feel now?” See how descriptively they can list their physical signs of well-being. Now, ask, “How does your body feel when you are frustrated?” Every person's physical experience will be different. Find out how your child/teen feels and make the connection between those symptoms and the usual feelings they are having.          

If Your Child/Teen Has Not Followed Your Directions…

If your child/teen has already shown that they are unable or unwilling to follow your directions, you could feel frustrated or even angry. So, step back before you move forward with these questions. Before you can get input from your child/teen to understand (and help them understand) their feelings, you both need to be calm. Your child/teen will not learn from the situation if you or they are upset.

●      Ask yourself if your child/teen is hungry or tired. You could offer a snack or offer to have your child/teen take some time to rest.

●      Check on how you are feeling. If you are angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed, take a “parenting time out” and take several deep breaths (it really does help) or sit quietly for a few minutes. 

●      If your child's/teen’s basic needs, such as hunger or tiredness, are not an issue, take additional steps to help them calm down[6] . This might involve offering a hug or helping them take deep breaths.

●      Teach your child/teen positive ways to seek control or power. How can they demonstrate responsibility by caring for their possessions or caring for a sibling? Each time your child/teen misbehaves, ask yourself what positive behavior you need to teach and practice that can replace the inappropriate behavior.

●      Is your teen lacking agency and trying to gain some power? Self-power is an essential human need. So, look for chances to offer choices and ask questions versus telling or directing.

Trap: Avoid letting questions turn into an accusation. Remember to stay calm and that the goal of the question is to help the child/teen uncover feelings.Trap: It can be easy for parents or those in a parenting role to immediately address the underlying feelings with a simple “No” or other way of shutting it down. Remember, all feelings are valid and need to be accepted. All reactions to feelings may not be acceptable.Step 2. Teach New Skills

The fundamental purpose of following directions is to grow new skills and the ability to persevere when requests are made that align with your child’s/teen’s success. Learning new skills requires modeling, practice, support, and recognition.

Learning about your child’s/teen’s developmental milestones[7]  can help you have reasonable expectations for them.^2^

●      Eleven-year-olds are trying to assert their independence, imagining themselves in adult roles. As they grow their social awareness, being able to better see from another person’s perspective, they also increase their worries about being liked, who’s “in” and who’s “out,” and may exclude others to gain popularity. Children/teens can begin to break the rules to fit in.

●      Twelve-year-olds, as they gain confidence and leadership abilities, are eager to figure out more serious adult issues and where they stand. Disturbing news and social issues could preoccupy them more than ever with their growing social awareness. They also have a lot of energy and need sleep, so they may have less resilience when they stay up late and are more run down by stress. This can add to conflict.

●      Thirteen-year-old boys will be in the middle of puberty, while girls will be almost entirely physically developed. Both genders can have worries related to their newly acquired body changes. They can be highly sensitive as they work to define their independent identity while still being dependent upon you. Mood swings are characteristic of this age. They will feel an ever greater sense of peer pressure, and though they may be pushing you away, they also require your continued support and guidance, including hopes for your approval. They are competent in contributing to a household’s care but may have difficulty with time commitments.

●      Fourteen-year-olds may act invincible, and like they know it “all.” Despite this, they still look to adults to set boundaries, negotiate rules, and listen to their needs. They are gaining interest in others as romantic partners and will have crushes, broken hearts, and worries related to relationships. They may enjoy academic challenges until they feel overwhelmed or underprepared. Then, they may claim they are “bored” to save their reputation, but in reality, they are stressed that they are not competent. These social pressures can work, at times, in conflict with taking responsibility.

Teaching is different from just telling. It builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child/teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. It is also an opportunity to reflect on meaningful, logical consequences[8]  if expectations are unmet.

Actions

●      Teach your child/teen the skills required to follow your directions. Did you ask him to pull weeds in the garden? Demonstrate first (watching you enact the skill increases their ability to act!).

●      If there are written directions, read them together and follow the steps together. Or, if you are asking your child/teen to perform a task for the first time, do it together to ensure they feel competent on their own the next time you ask. 

●      If you are trying to establish a routine, ask your child/teen if a checklist would help them remember the steps. Work with your child/teen to create the checklist and post it in a visible location, such as the bathroom mirror, refrigerator, or bedroom door. When it is time for the instructions or routine, you can empower your child/teen by asking, “What is next on your checklist?” instead of instructing them what is next. 

●      Model active listening while interacting with your child/teen. Modeling listening skills can be one of the greatest teaching tools.

●      Try out active listening together. Ask your child/teen to tell you one thing that was funny at school. Listen carefully without distraction to fully understand what they are saying, and wait until they are finished talking before responding. A response could be a simple “I get it.” or “I hear you.” Make eye contact and practice placing your entire focus on the speaker. Now switch and have your child/teen ask about one funny thing at work and listen to you.

●      Set a goal for yourself. Pick a time of day when you know that you and your child/teen will be talking. Then, notice your body language. Ask yourself: “What is my body communicating, and how am I demonstrating that I’m listening?”

●      Listen for thought and feeling. In addition to listening to the content of what your child/teen says, also see if you can identify the unspoken thought and feeling behind the content, in other words, the context.

●      Paraphrase. Try out the skill of paraphrasing by repeating to the speaker a summary of what they’ve said to check your listening accuracy and confirm to the speaker that you have heard them. You might start by saying,“I heard you say that…” Model it, and then have your child/teen try it.

●      Seek clarification. Mainly, if you are listening to learn something from the speaker, it is important to seek clarification on details to ensure you understand. Model seeking clarification by asking questions like, “What did you mean when you said you weren’t happy this morning? What happened?” After you model this, allow your child/teen to try it out.

●      Demonstrate poor listening and good listening. You can make it a fun acting skit showing what poor listening and good...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a vital role in your child’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child/teen relationship, and growing skills in reading is a great way to do it.  

Reading is essential for your child’s/teen’s success in school. Reading also plays a critical role in your child’s/teen’s 

●      social and emotional development[1] 

●      language development

●      executive functions like working memory and self-control ^1

●      connection to you

●      empathy and understanding of others

●      imagination (ability to “see” the story) ^2

●      ability to choose healthy behaviors (preventing high-risk behaviors and unhealthy choices)

Researchers have found that social, emotional, and cognitive development cannot be separated. They directly and indirectly impact one another.^3^ Children/Teens exercise their responsible decision-making skills and moral development as they reflect on their favorite character’s choices and the outcomes. 

Children/teens ages eleven to fourteen are in the process of learning how to read larger, more complicated texts and extracting meaning from them. Children/teens ages thirteen to fourteen are required in school to begin thinking abstractly about their reading and deciphering metaphors, symbols, and cultural themes. All children/teens can establish critical learning habits through reading that will extend throughout their school years. Reading is learned best snuggled up next to parents, grandparents, and other loved ones. The single most important activity for building skills essential for reading success is reading aloud to children. ^4

Parents tend to stop reading aloud as children/teens get older and become more competent readers. However, even high school students (and adults) benefit from collaborative reading or reading aloud. In reading together, you deepen your caring connection (relationship skills). You and your child/teen gain insight into the characters’ inner lives - thoughts and feelings - in a way that no other source can allow you access (social awareness). And, with that exploration of others’ experiences, you learn more about who you are (self-awareness) and what you value (responsible decision-making).

Yet, anyone can face challenges when it comes to establishing a daily reading routine. Families today are busier than ever, with more demands on their time. 

Children/teens are highly entertained and stimulated by technology. It may take more encouragement than past generations to start reading. But once you get into a routine and make it a joyful experience, it can enrich your family life and deepen your intimacy while promoting valuable skills for school and life success. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to support family reading cooperatively.

Why Reading?

Becoming intentional about a daily reading routine, looking for ways to incorporate reading into family time spent together, and considering the quality of the experience of reading together can all contribute to a child’s/teen’s development. 

Today, in the short term, reading can create

●      greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment 

●      opportunity for dialogue and reflection

●      a direct and simple way to influence your child’s/teen’s positive development

Tomorrow, in the long term, reading helps your child/teen

●      build skills in collaboration and cooperative goal-setting

●      build skills in hard work and persistence 

●      develop empathy, creative thinking, and responsible decision-making skills

●      create positive learning habits that contribute directly to school success

Five Steps for Reading 

This five-step process helps your family establish a routine for daily reading and builds important skills in your child/teen. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process)[2] .

Tip: These steps are best when you and your child/teen are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[3]  and a healthy parenting relationship[4]  support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Child/Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

You can get your child/teen thinking about establishing a routine for daily reading by asking open-ended questions. Seeking their input and offering authentic choices in designing a plan to establish a routine for daily reading offers multiple benefits. 

In gaining input, your child/teen

●      has the opportunity to think through their routine and problem-solve any challenges they may encounter ahead of time

●      has a greater stake in anything they’ve designed themself (and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for implementing the routine)

●      will have more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership

●      will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about a critical aspect of their learning -- reading

Actions

●      Get curious about the books your child/teen is reading at school. They may be reading books you remember. Engage them in a discussion about the books they are reading.

●      Discuss with your child/teen the differences between reading a book and watching a movie. Talk about which option allows for more creativity and self-expression.

●      Discuss how they make decisions about what to read. Ask: “How do you know a book will be interesting?” or“How do you know whether a book is appropriate for you?”  

●      Allow your child/teen some choices when establishing a reading routine. Allowing choices will add to their sense of control and motivation to read. Questions you could ask to better understand their preferences include: 

○      “How much reading homework do you usually get from school every day?”

○      “Considering all of the activities that typically take place after school, when is the best time to read?”

●      Create a space that can consistently be used for reading time. Although reading can take place anytime and anywhere, having a designated place ensures there is a well-lit, quiet, and comfortable spot. The goal of your reading space is to provide a well-equipped, consistent place for your child/teen to fully focus on a story. Setting up a reading nook can be highly motivating to a child/teen and may encourage more of their own time spent on reading.

●      Create a family reading rule. Invite discussion at dinner about books that the family is reading. Engage in the topic equally so your child/teen is not carrying the burden of the conversation.

●      Approach reading time as a treat, not a chore. If you save reading for after things like doing homework or getting ready for bed, then reading can be viewed as a desirable time to be together.

●      Allow your child/teen to select their own books that look interesting and desirable. You can learn more about books to offer your child/teen on the online review tool from Common Sense Media (or download their app). It offers the developmental appropriateness of each book and a sneak preview along with central themes. 

●      Follow your child’s/teen’s interests. At school, they are asked to engage in reading that may not be of interest to them. It is okay if your child/teen only wants to read graphic novels for fun. Listening to audible books can also be a fun way to incorporate reading with a child/teen who shows little interest in picking up a book. Listening to a book together on a long car ride can be a great way to share in a reading experience.   

●      Consider removing easy technology distractions at least an hour before bedtime and incorporating reading into your child’s/teen’s wind-down routine. Transitioning from the excited brain activity of technology to sleep can be difficult. Reading can be an excellent transition. 

Tip: Make it fun! Designing a reading spot together can be an enjoyable experience. Allow your child/teen to pick out their own pillows, bean bag chairs, or bookmarks. Step 2. Teach New Skills

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, learning about what developmental milestones[5]  your child/teen is working on can help you know which aspects might be more difficult for them when it comes to reading. 

●      Eleven-year-olds tend to enjoy challenging tasks but may not be organized about their academic work, so they can use support to manage their time. They desire staying up late, so parents can contribute to their learning by helping them stick to bedtime rules to get enough sleep. They may need quiet downtime, which is a perfect chance for reading if there are clear rules and limits on screen time. They can enjoy reading to younger children. They are interested in real-world problems, so nonfiction or historical fiction may interest this age group.

●      Twelve- and thirteen-year-olds are capable of empathy and seeing another’s perspective, so books with strong, interesting characters facing challenging dilemmas can be of interest. This age group is grappling with the risks of adulthood and trying to understand the roles of sex, alcohol, drugs, family problems, and violence. Books that bring wisdom and insight into social situations can interest twelve- and thirteen-year-olds, provoke their thinking, and hone their own sense of right and wrong.

●      Fourteen-year-olds are undergoing rapid growth and require lots of sleep, food, and exercise, so make sure that your routines are consistent to refuel when needed. Fourteen-year-olds assert their independence, so they may think they are invincible and know everything. Despite this, they still look to adults to set boundaries to help them through this uncertain time when they need to take risks. This is a particularly important age for allowing plenty of choice in reading material. Fourteen-year-olds can “play out” their need for risk in high-stakes adventure books, thrillers, ghost stories, or nonfiction weird-but-true stories. Because of their increased interest in sexuality and attraction, they may also gravitate toward romances or love stories. This is a healthy outlet for their need for risk and also provides quiet downtime amid significant growth and development.

Actions

●      Listen with interest when your child/teen invites you to learn more about what they are reading or asks a question. Try to relate any themes to their life. You can also ask questions such as:

○      “What captures your interest when you start reading a book?”

○      “Which character do you identify with the most?”

○      “What are some themes in the book that are similar or different to how you live?” 

●      Share your curiosity and interest in the subject, but do not provide an answer.

●      Model reading. Remember, your child/teen is watching you and will notice if you do or do not read around your home. Allow your child/teen to pick a book for you or read a book they have read and bring it into your conversations. 

●      Research information together in books. Talk about the difference between online research and looking up something in a book. Although it’s tempting to do all of your research about a topic online, be sure to include books or articles in your research process. If your child/teen is doing a science project on geology, internet research can be helpful. But, be sure to also seek out books that can provide helpful background information. This cultivates a habit of seeking out the information they require through books.

●      Encourage your child/teen to take “brain breaks” while they are reading to allow them to process what they have read. They can take a break to walk around, play with the dog, or do a chore. You could also share how you take brain breaks at work and strategies that have worked for you.

●      Follow your child’s/teen’s lead on books. Take a trip to the library and see what they select. Give them the choice of which books to read.

●      Parents do not need to be subject matter experts. Indeed, your child/teen may be reading about topics that you may not know anything about. That is exciting! Encourage them to share this knowledge with you. Appear interested and engaged. Model active learning. If they need information, be a research assistant and provide the support they need to find the right information.

TIP: Research shows that many boys tend to stop reading for pleasure by their own choice around nine or ten.^5^Experts suspect this is because boys tend toward nonfiction topics like the natural world or how-to topics like how to build a treehouse. They might also gravitate toward graphic novels or comics. Experts suspect that parents can voice their disapproval of these reading choices and inadvertently discourage reading. Be sure you leave judgment of book choices behind and only encourage their reading. Nonfiction and graphic novels are excellent choices if they interest your young reader. As long as it’s safe content, offer your support and interest.Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Your daily routines are opportunities for your child/teen to practice vital new skills. With practice, your child/teen will improve over time as you give them the chance with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child/teen works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themself.

Reading practice can take the form of reading together, reading individually, or talking about what each person in the family is reading. When children/teens talk about what they are reading, they are growing vital new brain connections around presentation, summarizing, and synthesizing. 

Actions

●      Use “I’d love to hear…” as a way to get your child/teen talking about what they are reading. This might sound like, “I remember reading this book. I’d love to hear what it’s about?”

●      Recognize any effort your child/teen makes either reading or sharing with you what they are reading. Say, “I so appreciate hearing about the book through your lens because you have such an interesting way of looking at things.”

●      Proactively remind your child/teen to help them be successful. This might sound like, “I am looking forward to hearing about the latest in the book that you are reading.”

Trap: Resist the temptation to repeat yourself. Children/Teens often need more time to perform tasks that challenge them even if you believe they are simple and don’t require much time. If you constantly remind  them about reading, they will resist. Your waiting could make the difference in whether they are able to do what you need them to do.Step 4. Support Your Child’s/Teen’s Development and Success

At this point, you’ve taught your child/teen several new positive learning habits so that they understand how to perform them. You’ve practiced together, and now you can offer support when it’s needed. Parents naturally offer support as they see their child/teen fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different. 

Actions

●      Promote a learning attitude. Be curious about your child/teen and what they are learning. The more you model curiosity, the more they will engage in books as well as in the world around them.

●      Talk positively about reading and share your interest in reading. Talk with your child/teen about your favorite books and what makes you feel connected with the characters.

●      Coach your child/teen to get more support if needed. Encourage them to talk with their teachers to get book recommendations or alternatives. Hold firm to the belief that if your child/teen doesn’t like reading, it is because they haven’t found the subjects that captivate them.

●      Stay engaged. Read with your child/teen and discuss books regularly. Make a plan to read a particular book that also has a movie and watch and compare the movie after reading the book.

Tip: Become aware of your own reactions to reading. Make sure that your tone and attitude are one of enjoyment, curiosity, and learning. Step 5. Recognize Efforts

No matter how old your child/teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child/teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child's/teen’s confidence. Your recognition also promotes safe, secure, and nurturing relationships -- a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow. 

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s/teen’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s/teen’s behavior.   

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child/teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, your influence is important in your child’s success. There are intentional ways to foster a healthy parent-child relationship while instilling confidence in your child to persist toward their goals and succeed in all areas of life. Everyone faces challenges, yet mistakes and failures are necessary for your twelve-year-old’s learning and development. With your guidance and support, mistakes become a tool for learning and growing confidence.

The key to any parenting issue is finding ways to communicate to meet your and your child’s/teen’s needs. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to prepare you as you address any issue with your child/teen.

Why Any Issue?

As you address any issues, you build the foundation for your child’s/teen’s development. 

Your focus on cultivating a safe, trusting relationship and promoting life skills can create:

●      greater opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment 

●      trust in each other

●      a sense of well-being and motivation

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that builds your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role to use on any issues and builds essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child/teen. Throughout this tool, there are opportunities for children/teens to:

●      become more self-aware and deepen their social awareness 

●      exercise their self-management skills

●      build their relationship skills

●      demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making and problem-solving

Five Steps for Any Issue

This five-step process helps you and your child/teen with any issue. It builds critical life skills in your child/teen. The same process can be used to address other specific parenting issues (learn more about the process[1] ).

Whether it’s your eleven-year-old confiding in you that they don’t feel ready for fifth grade, your twelve-year-old crying that they have no real friends, or your fourteen-year-old hiding homework to avoid facing it, these steps and associated questions can help you support your child.

Tip: These steps are best done when you and your child/teen are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and healthy parenting relationships[3]  will support these steps.

 

Based on your child’s/teen’s development milestones, you will want to focus on the following as you move through the five steps:

●      Your youth’s sense of belonging or desire to “fit in.”

●      How your youth experiences “self-talk” and how to reframe negative self-talk.

●      Normalizing experiences: youth at this age tend to believe they are the “only ones” experiencing specific challenges.

●      Your youth’s transition to the middle school environment, new academic practices, and relationships with friends, peers, and teachers.

Step 1. Get your Child/Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

Getting your child’s/teen’s input will help you better understand their thoughts, feelings[4] , and challenges related to their feelings when confronting challenges. When your child/teen provides feedback, they:

●      have a more significant stake in the issue, a sense of ownership, and often greater responsibility around resolving the issue

●      are more motivated to work together on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life

●      grow their self-control as well as problem-solving skills

Actions

Some examples of getting input from your child/teen are:

●      What outcome are you hoping for?

●      Tell me more about what’s going on. 

●      How do you see your role in this situation?

●      In what ways can I support you?

●      It seems like something happened that upset you. Tell me a little bit about what happened.

●      What are some of the feelings you notice?

●      You seem quieter than usual today. Is there anything on your mind you'd like to discuss?

●      What made today stand out for you? What was the highlight?

●      If you could change one thing about today, what would it be?

●      What's currently getting you excited about school?

●      Is there something troubling you that you'd like to talk about?

●      What strategies might help with sadness when it arises?

●      How could we work together to improve the situation?

●      How do you think your friends might handle a scenario like this?

●      What would you say if you had the opportunity to talk with [person]?

●      What might happen if you did not make a change?

●      In your opinion, what steps could we take to address this issue?

●      Is there a skill you wish you were better at?

●      Can you share something new you've learned recently?

●      Tell me more about [specific topic].

●      Which tasks could you easily accomplish?

●      Which tasks do you think are harder?

●      What are some similar tasks or challenges you've faced previously?

●      How can I best help you?

●      How do you imagine you'll feel once it's completed?

●      Tell me more about what’s going on with your friends. 

●      How do you see your role in this situation?

●      In what ways can I support you?

●      You feel like you're stuck in the middle between two people you care about a lot. That can be hard.

●      How do you show up for each of these friends?

●      It seems like there is no clear path forward to figuring this out. What are some ideas you have?

Step 2. Teach New Skills 

It’s easy to forget that children/teens learn daily. Your child/teen is likely to make some mistakes. How you handle those moments can determine how you help grow their confidence. Learning about developmental milestones[5]  can help you better understand what your child/teen is experiencing.

For example, children/teens ages 11-14

●      Are starting to see from another person’s perspective. They also want to be liked and may engage in excluding others to gain popularity. 

●      Are starting to feel more confident. They’ll seek out risks, and peers will exert pressure and also support. 

●      Are experiencing bodily changes. They can be highly sensitive as they work to define their independent identity while still being dependent upon you. They may feel an ever-greater sense of peer pressure.

●      May act like they know it all. Despite this, they still look to adults to set boundaries. They are gaining interest in others as romantic partners and will have crushes, broken hearts, and worries related to relationships.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child/teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. 

Actions

Here are some ways that you can teach new skills to your child/teen:

●      How did you get through something like this before?

●      If I were your friend, what advice would you give me?

●      Let’s talk about some of the ways you can do this.

●      It sounds like you’re going through a lot.  Would you like me to just listen, or would you like us to brainstorm some ideas together on how you can solve the problem?

●      Would you be open to me sharing a few ideas I have about this?

●      Let’s pretend I am your friend. Practice telling me how you are feeling.

●      Let’s brainstorm a few different ways of solving this.

●      It’s normal to feel overwhelmed when trying something new. Let’s break it down into smaller steps and do it together.

●      You’ve overcome difficult things before. How did you do it?

●      I am going to tell you this in a couple of different ways: tell me which one feels better and why.

●      Let’s slow this down. I will show you the first part, and then you try the second part.

●      I can see us both getting upset about this. Let’s pause and take a few deep breaths together.

●      I can tell that this is important to you. It is hard for me to see the other side when something is that important. What do you think the other person might be feeling or thinking if we step back?

●      It’s easy to get overwhelmed when it feels so big. What do you think the first step is in this assignment?

●      Let’s talk about some of the ways you can complete this assignment.

●      When was the last time you faced something really tough? How did you get through it?

●      If I were your friend struggling with a school assignment, what advice would you give me?

●      It feels like I don’t understand what you are going through. What do you wish I understood better?

Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Daily routines can allow your child/teen to practice new skills. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your child/teen works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themselves. It also provides significant opportunities to increase self-efficacy. Strive to create the conditions to support their success, and take time to explore what makes them feel confident and what takes away from their confidence. Share the experiences and skills you use when you don’t feel confident.

Actions

Here are some examples of ways you can practice with your child/teen:

●      It’s your turn. Let me see how you do it.

●      Let’s take turns practicing this.

●      I am so impressed with how hard you are trying. It shows how important this is to you.

●      What are some things we have practiced before that are like this issue?

●      What are some fun ways we can practice doing this together?

●      What might it look like tomorrow when you try this?

●      What are some ways in which you could practice this by yourself?

●      Let’s focus on the frustrating school assignment as we practice to grow our youth’s skills and habits. 

●      What are some things that you are good at that you can use in this situation?

●      Let’s pretend you see me getting frustrated about something I need to do at work that I’m not very confident about. What would you say to me?

●      What are some things you can do the next time this happens?

●      I know things can feel frustrating when you first start.

●      I will hang in there with you while you get through the challenging part.

●      You can learn anything with time, practice, and hard work.

●      You can meet or overcome any challenge with time, practice, and hard work.

●      Remember when you did it even when you thought you couldn’t?

Step 4. Support Your Child’s/Teen’s Development and Success

By providing support, you reinforce your child’s/teen's ability to succeed, help them grow cause-and-effect thinking (as they address problems and failures), and help them take responsibility. 

Actions

Here are some examples of how you can support your child’s/teen’s development and success:

●      I’m here to help!

●      It is amazing to see how you are sticking with this, even though it is tough.

●      How did it feel to complete that project? 

●      What did you think you did well?

●      What would you do differently next time? 

●      What motivates you to give this your best effort?

●      How did that go differently this time than before when it didn’t work out either?

●      One of your best qualities is _________. That will come in handy with this project.

●      I know this is a challenging space for you, but I have seen you overcome challenges before and come out on top.

Step 5. Recognize Efforts

No matter how old your child/teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child/teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s/teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships -- a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow. 

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s/teen’s efforts. It is helpful to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors impact your child’s/teen’s behavior differently.   

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child/teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it.  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment, such as a smile or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child/teen knows what to expect, like "If you behave in the store, you will get a treat on the drive home." (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child/teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. Rewards can decrease a child’s/teen’s internal motivation if used too often.     Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line, where a child/teen is screaming). To avoid disaster, a parent offers to give them a treat if the child/teen will stop crying. While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.Trap: It can be easy to resort to bribes when recognition and occasional rewards are underutilized. If parents or those in a parenting role frequently resort to bribes, it is likely time to revisit the five-step process. Actions

●      Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the whole bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child/teen makes an effort and let them know you see them.

●      Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after you've completed your bedtime routine, snuggle and read before bed. Or, in the morning, before you leave for work, take a few minutes to listen to music together. 

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that grows your skills as an effective parent, which you can use on many other issues and essential skills that will last a lifetime. Throughout this tool, children/teens have opportunities to become more confident while growing their social and emotional skills[6] .

References Recommended Citation: Center for Health and...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an important role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship, and setting up a daily homework routine provides an excellent opportunity. 

Children/Teens ages 11-14 are in the process of adapting early school-age learning habits to their more demanding workload. They are establishing critical learning habits that will extend throughout their school years, including how they approach homework assignments. For most children/teens, homework is a nightly reality. Research shows that a parent or someone in a parenting role plays a key role. Children/Teens with a parent or someone in a parenting role supporting learning at home and engaged in their school community have more consistent school attendance, better social skills, and higher grade point averages and test scores than those children/teens without such involvement.^1^ Indeed, parental involvement best predicts students’ academic achievement.

Yet, there are challenges. You may discover outdated and uncompleted assignments crumpled in your child’s/teen’s backpack. Your child/teen may procrastinate on a long-term project until it becomes a crisis the night before it’s due. Questioning their work may result in arguments when they have other goals. 

While getting a regular homework routine going might be challenging, it can be a positive experience and promote valuable skills for school and life success. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to support a homework routine cooperatively without a daily battle. 

Why Homework?

Children/Teens ages eleven to fourteen will require managing a larger and more complex workload and need new study skills. This will take a whole new level of planning and organization. Their homework assignments can become a daily challenge if you don’t create regular routines with input from your children/teens in advance, clarify roles and responsibilities, and establish a plan for success.

Today, in the short term, homework routines can create

●      greater cooperation and motivation

●      more significant opportunities for connection and enjoyment as you each implement your respective roles and feel set up for success

●      trust in each other that you have the competence to complete your responsibilities with practice and care

●      less frustration due to better organization, space, and resources

●      opportunities to learn about your child’s/teen’s school curriculum

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child/teen

●      builds skills in collaboration and cooperative goal-setting

●      builds skills in responsible decision-making, hard work, and persistence

●      gains independence, life skills competence, and self-sufficiency

●      develops positive learning habits that contribute directly to school success

Five Steps for Creating a Homework Routine

This five-step process helps your family establish a homework routine and builds essential skills in your child/teen. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process)[1] .

Tip: These steps are best when you and your child/teen are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and a healthy parenting relationship[3]  support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Child/Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

You can get your child/teen thinking about establishing a homework routine by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt their thinking. You’ll also begin to understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to homework better so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child/teen

●      has the opportunity to think through the routine and problem-solve any challenges they may encounter ahead of time

●      has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for implementing the routine)

●      will have more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership

●      will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about a critical aspect of their learning -- their homework

Actions

●      Allowing your child/teen some choices in establishing a homework routine will add to your child’s/teen’s sense of control and motivation. Questions you could ask to understand their preferences better include:  

○      “When is the best time for you to do homework?” 

○      “What things (like having a snack and taking breaks) help you finish your homework?”     

●      Prepare for difficulties. Ask, “I know you’ve missed completing assignments in the past. What helps you stay on top of homework, and what gets in your way?”

●      Experiment to figure out your plan. Since your child/teen has changed since their younger years along with the demands of their homework, it’s an ideal time to revisit the question of when your child/teen feels they’ll be at their best to tackle homework in the hours after school. They could have greater complexities than ever before, with extracurriculars encroaching on free time, so there may not be much opportunity for choice in the timing. But, if there is, try different times to see what works best with their energy. Everyone has different energy cycles and times when they feel better able to focus, so work on discovering that rhythm with your child/teen, and you’ll go a long way toward setting them up for success!

●      Once you agree upon a time that makes sense for all, your attempts to keep homework sacred and consistent will ensure it becomes a habit and routine. If you are consistent, it can serve as a predictable, non-negotiable process. Your child/teen knows what to expect and when to expect it.

○      Take note of when your child/teen has said it is their best time to do homework. Set a timer to go off at that time. Instead of you calling, “Time for homework!” which may incite a battle, an inanimate object is alerting them. You can use a kitchen timer outside or inside or collaboratively set an alarm on your cell phone or iPad. 

○      If your child/teen has decided to do homework right after school, provide a healthy, high-protein snack first (peanut butter crackers, cheese sticks, and apples). The social stress and expectations of school may be draining and could affect a child’s/teen’s motivation to continue working hard through the evening. Be sure they have the fuel necessary (through proper nutrition and a good night’s rest) to get through their work.  

○      If you cannot offer a choice in the time of day homework is completed, then find another choice your child/teen can make. For example, you could allow them to decide what space they use or what snack they will have to accompany homework completion. Adding some level of choice to the process will prevent arguments and help your child/teen take ownership.      

●      Set up a space. Take some time to determine a consistent space for homework completion. You may look for 

○      a well-lit location

○      proximity to your family’s living space or kitchen (wherever you’ll typically be so that you are never far to offer support)

○      a solid work surface that can get dirty (they may need to make a mess; pick a durable surface)

●      Work with your child/teen to get the space ready. You’ll want to set up the space with:

○      school supplies, including loose-leaf paper, pens, pencils, pencil sharpeners, a dictionary, and any other items you anticipate they might need

○      no clutter (A disorganized environment can distract from their focus. eliminate clutter, organize tools, and only have the essentials. Invest in a few supply holders to keep tools neat and ready.)

○      a binder or bin or other receptacle designated for school papers that are brought home and stay at home 

○      a water bottle

●      A homework space aims to provide a well-equipped, consistent place for your child/teen to focus entirely on the work. In this way, they’ll know what they can expect. You won’t have frustrations like not being able to find a school tool. And they’ll learn to take greater responsibility for their learning as they work with you to organize this space.

●      Make it fun! Designing a homework spot together can be an enjoyable experience. Allow your child/teen to pick out their own organization bins and school tools. They could make a sign with their name to designate the space. Or, create a poster with an inspirational saying like, “Good things come from hard work!” Take a little time to label your new supply holders with names, stickers, or drawings to allow your child/teen to personalize them. All this can be motivating.

●      When offering choices in designing a homework space that works best for your child/teen, they may prefer to set up their workspace in their bedroom because of their developmental desire for greater independence and privacy. If they do this, make sure you stop in a few times to offer your support. Also, clear boundaries and distinctions should be established between screen time for homework and entertainment/socializing screen time.

●      Create a family homework rule. Be sure to discuss (at a family dinner, for example) how the family can respect homework time. Consider whether you want all siblings to do homework simultaneously or not. If you want everyone to do homework simultaneously, consider what must happen to make that happen. Either way, agree upon a homework rule that each will respect the person focused on their work and be quiet in that area of the house.

●      If your child/teen is prone to feeling overwhelmed by homework, you can scaffold your child/teen by breaking the work into chunks. Set a timer for fifteen minutes of work and then take a five-minute brain break. Fifteen-minute chunks will help the task feel more doable.

●      Support your child’s/teen’s persistence skills with praise. “I know it was hard to come inside from playing. I am impressed by how you are tackling things now.” Even if the transition to doing homework was challenging, remember to highlight any behaviors that move in the direction you are seeking more of. Many parents forget to acknowledge the baby steps toward the goal behavior.

Step 2. Teach New Skills

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, it’s easy to forget that your child/teen is learning new study skills, including project management, organization, and planning. Though they may be assigned work they are capable of doing; they may not be prepared to manage the larger workload. Because so much is new, expectations are greater, and they feel they should already know it all; they can become overwhelmed and frustrated. Learning about what developmental milestones[4]  your child/teen is working on can help you know which tasks might be more difficult. Here are some examples related to homework.^2^  

●      Eleven-year-olds have lots of physical energy to expend, so they may need some time after school to move. They tend to desire to stay up late, which can intrude on school goals, so set clear limits on screen times before bed and establish bedtimes based on reasonable sleep requirements. Eleven-year-olds require 9 to 11 hours of sleep, depending upon the individual.^3^

●      Twelve-year-olds are undergoing a significant growth spurt, so they’ll also require nutritious food and their required night’s sleep. They thrive with leadership opportunities, so when you see those chances or can reframe assignments in terms of leadership, that’s ideal. Twelve-year-olds are gaining more sophisticated ideas about themselves, others, and the world, and they will be eager to share those ideas with their parents, so your listening ear is essential. 

●      Thirteen-year-olds can become particularly sensitive to real or perceived criticism from you or your classmates. They can become moody. They are seeking their independence and are ready for more freedom. Look for ways to offer independence and freedom paired with the new responsibilities accompanying those chances.

●      Fourteen-year-olds may feel and act like they “know it all,” but they still look to you to set clear boundaries and to offer guidance. They may distance themselves, requiring greater independence. Your job as parents is to realize this and not take it personally. Be there to listen with an open mind when they are ready to talk. They may be highly resistant to what they might view as adult lectures. However, they may be more willing to admit when they have made a mistake, which can be a great asset at homework time. They are eager to investigate the larger world, so assignments can be highly engaging if related to that interest.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child/teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. 

Actions

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, it is easy to be confused about how best to support your child’s/teen’s homework. Here are some specific ways to define your role while ensuring your child/teen wholly owns their learning process.

●      When your child/teen calls you over to ask about a problem, ask prompting questions such as: 

○      “What is your guess about the answer?” 

○      “Is there another place you could find the answer?” 

○      “Is there another way to think about your answer?” 

○      Share your curiosity and interest in the subject, but do not provide an answer.

●      Lead your child/teen to resources. Though you may feel like you’ve redirected your child/teen multiple times to the resources in front of them, treating each experience as a fresh opportunity to search for answers can help both of you keep an open mind about the work at hand. Frequently, homework will relate to the resources they already have from school -- whether it’s a novel or a textbook. So, when they just can’t find an answer and ask for your help, guide them back to their text. Take a look together. Here are a few essential tips:

○      Focus on keywords so that they, too, can learn to spot keywords. 

○      Attempt to read and review together. Because the text is denser and more complex, children/teens may feel overwhelmed with information and need help focusing on the most important points.

○      Ask your child/teen which points are most important when discussing a problem. 

○      Have them underline or highlight those words in the instructions or in the specific question they are trying to answer so that you have a focus point. 

●      Research together. If you cannot find the source of the problem in your child’s/teen’s books, do some online research together. But be sure you allow your child/teen to drive the process. You might ask, “What should we look up or search for together?” These are the first seeds of solid research skills.

●      Teach the essential “brain break.” Breaks do not represent weakness or a lack of persistence. Human brains work better if they are given frequent breaks. Their young minds need processing time, particularly as they face taking in so much new information. In addition, the pressure of academic expectations can build. Their feelings may spill over to homework when they are safe at home with you (and do not need to keep it together as much as at school). 

●      You might ask, “What else makes you feel better and comforted when frustrated?” Brainstorm a brief list of spaces, places, things, and actions that offer comfort when frustrated. Leave that list in your school tool homework space. It will serve as an ongoing resource when brain breaks are required.

●      It’s a common challenge of homework time - particularly for middle school-age students - to want to avoid failure and to fear making mistakes. In reality, because homework is practice, it is intended as a time to try out an answer, get it wrong, and try again. Hang a sign near your homework spot to remind your child/teen, “Mistakes are part of learning.”

●      You do not need to be a subject matter expert. If you cannot get the correct answer, take a step back. Realize that you are stealing a learning opportunity from your child/teen. Ask yourself how you can provide guidance and support for them to answer the question or solve the problem themselves (even if they get it wrong).

Trap: Though you may make comments you empathize with your child’s/teen’s predicament, be careful! Criticizing the work assigned, the teacher who assigned it, or the school’s policies will become demotivating for your child/teen. After all, why should they work hard if you disagree with what’s been assigned?Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Homework practice can be cooperatively completing the task together or trying out a task with you as a coach and ready support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child/teen...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an important role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child/teen relationship and ensure that your child/teen develops a healthy relationship with technology.

Technology use has become essential to your child’s/teen’s life and learning in school. It has the potential to play a role in:

●      social and emotional development[1] 

●      language development

●      academic learning

●      connection to friends, family, and others

●      empathy and understanding of others

●      imagination 

●      ability to choose healthy behaviors (preventing high-risk behaviors and unhealthy choices)

Children/teens ages 11-14 are at the very beginning of their teen years and experiencing dramatic shifts with their bodies and emotions, entering puberty full force by age 11. Additionally, they’ll experiment with and learn social skills through forging and prioritizing friendships and peer opinions.  They will create more independent relationships with teachers, coaches, and you while beginning or deepening their involvement in extracurricular activities like sports, music, or others. 

Yet, technology can pose challenges. Most parents say parenting is more challenging than twenty years ago, and most point to technology as the primary reason.^1 71% of parents with children under 12 said they worry that their children spend too much time on screens. The same number of parents said they fear smartphones could harm their children/teens. Let’s take a deeper look at the screen time habits of this age group:^2

-       11-12-year-olds are on screens an average of five and a half hours per day, and 13-14-year-olds are on screens an average of eight and a half hours per day. Most of this screen time is spent on  online video viewing accounts (with a smaller amount viewing YouTube);*

-       Boys tend to be on screens longer than girls. ^2  

-       38% of 11 and 12-year-olds are on social media.

Children and teens are highly stimulated by technology, and this is often where they connect with friends, so it can become a source of conflict when they need to disconnect and can take away time from family being together and growing intimate connections. Indeed, addiction can be a real threat as those jolts of happy hormones (dopamine) are fueled; infinite scrolling is the norm on social media, and games are programmed to keep them perpetually engaged. Daily, devices can take time away from other critical pursuits for their physical, social, emotional, and cognitive development, such as reading, playing outdoors, unstructured creative time, friend time, homework, and more. The kinds of content that a child/teen can view or stumble into online can range from mildly irritating to disturbing and dangerous, whether it involves repeated consumer messages, cartoon violence, graphic violence, or even pornography. Additionally, children and teens can encounter social aggression and bullying online and through social media, which can hurt uniquely since they can be more publicly exposed than most in-person incidents.

We know that growing a healthy relationship with technology requires regular conversations and a commitment from the whole family to become intentional about their use of technology, including appropriate boundaries and safety practices. Approach this topic with empathy and recognize that the devices and apps are designed to make the user stay engaged and want more.  Acknowledge with your child/teen that adults have difficulty setting boundaries with technology use. While it may take more time, planning, and encouragement with your child/teen to develop a healthy relationship with technology, its role can become a joyful experience, enrich your family life, and promote valuable skills for school and life success. It can also prepare your child/teen for a lifetime of wise habits related to technology tools. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to support families.

Why Examine Technology Use?    

Becoming intentional about your child’s/teen’s daily technology use can influence how they develop a healthy relationship with technology and its role in their life. Looking for ways to experience and learn together about how to use devices wisely contributes to their development. 

Today, in the short term, creating a healthy relationship with technology can create

●      more significant opportunities for connection and enjoyment 

●      opportunity for dialogue and reflection

●      a direct way to influence your child’s/teen’s positive development

Tomorrow, in the long term, a healthy relationship with technology helps your child/teen grow skills in

●      critically reviewing content and making responsible decisions

●      self-management and self-discipline

●      planning and time management

●      collaboration and cooperative goal-setting

●      create positive device habits that contribute directly to school and life success

Five Steps for Examining Technology Use

This five-step process helps your family establish a routine for daily technology use. It also helps your child/teen develop essential skills. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[2] ).

Tip: These steps are best done when you and your child/ teen are not tired or in a rush. Tip Intentional communication[3]  and a healthy parenting relationship[4]  support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Child/Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

By asking open-ended questions, you can get your child/teen thinking about their relationship with technology - how they use devices, when, where, and for what purpose. Seeking their input and offering authentic, limited choices in designing a plan to establish a daily device use and management routine provides multiple benefits. 

In gaining input, your child/teen

●      has the opportunity to think through how and when they use technology and problem-solve any challenges they may encounter ahead of time

●      has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for respecting boundaries set)

●      will have more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership

●      will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about a critical aspect of their lives at home and school

Actions

Writing down notes on your child’s/teen’s responses to the following questions will help you when you develop rules or routines for device use.

●      What are your hopes and goals for your time after school, weekends, or summer days?

●      Do you get to do everything you want to do in your free time –  or connect with the people you want to communicate with (friends, family), or are there things you miss out on?

●      What roles do you want your devices to play in your life? (i.e., learning, entertainment, connection with friends)

●      Do you tend to want screen time when you experience a particular emotion (e.g., sadness, frustration, anger)? 

Allow your child/teen to make choices when establishing a device routine. Allowing choices increases their sense of control and motivation to respect the boundaries around device use. Questions you could ask to understand better your child’s/teen’s preferences include: 

○      “When considering how you want to spend your time after school...”

■      “Would you like a snack first?”

■      “Do you want to change into casual clothes?”

■      “Do you want time to rest or get outside? Take a bike ride?”

■      “Do you have a favorite book you are eager to read or a board/card game you love to play?”

■      “Considering all the activities that typically occur after school, when is the best time to use devices? 

■      Considering your hopes and goals for after school, when is the best time to put devices  away or power down?”

Step 2. Teach New Skills

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, learning about what developmental milestones[5]  your child/teen is working on can help you know which aspects might be more difficult for them regarding technology use. 

●      Eleven-year-olds are trying to assert their independence and imagining themselves in adult roles. As they grow their social awareness, being able to better see from another person’s perspective, they also increase their worries about being liked, who’s “in” and who’s “out,” and may engage in excluding others to gain popularity. Children/Teens can begin to break the rules to fit in. 43% of eleven-year-olds own a smartphone.^3

●      Twelve-year-olds are eager to figure out more serious adult issues and where they stand as they gain confidence and leadership abilities. Disturbing news and social issues could preoccupy them more than ever with their growing social awareness and participation in social media. They also have a lot of energy and need sleep, so they may have less resilience when they stay up late and are more run down by stress. This can add to conflict. 43% of twelve-year-olds own their smartphone.^3

●      Thirteen-year-old boys will fully engage in puberty, while girls will be almost entirely physically developed. Both genders can have worries related to their newly acquired body changes. They can be susceptible as they work to define their independent identity while still being dependent upon you. Mood swings are characteristic of this age. They will feel an ever greater sense of peer pressure, and though they may be pushing you away, they also require your continued support and guidance, including hopes for your approval. They are competent in contributing to a household’s care and may struggle with time commitments. 88% of thirteen-year-olds own their smartphone.^3

●      Fourteen-year-olds may act invincible, and like they know it “all.” Despite this, they still look to adults to set boundaries, negotiate rules, and listen to their needs. They are gaining interest in others as romantic partners and will have crushes, broken hearts, and worries related to relationships. They may enjoy academic challenges until they feel overwhelmed or underprepared. Then, they may claim they are “bored” to save their reputation, but in reality, they are stressed that they are not competent. These social pressures can work, at times, in conflict with taking responsibility. 88% of teens own smartphones, and 79% use social media.^3

Trap: Online time should be different from reading time since this is a necessary time to cultivate positive reading habits and skills. Only 34% of teens say they read daily.^3 Research shows that many boys tend to stop reading for pleasure by their own choice around nine or ten.^4, ^5 Experts suspect this is because boys tend toward nonfiction topics like books about the natural world or how-to topics. They also gravitate toward graphic novels or comics. Be sure you leave judgment of book choices behind and only encourage their reading. Nonfiction and graphic novels are excellent choices if they interest your young reader. If it’s safe content for children/teens, offer your support and interest.Trap: Online time should not replace time outside playing with friends. Exposure to nature, exercise, play, and social interaction are critical factors in your child’s/teen’s healthy development.Actions

Model healthy technology habits. 

●      Because technology plays a significant role in our family's life, modeling how we use technology teaches our children/teens more than our words ever could. How are you disciplined about technology?  Do you have rules for putting the laptop down and storing work away at the end of the day? Do you have times when you turn off or leave behind your phone? Share those practices with your child/teen so that they understand that it’s not only children and teens who have to manage devices and cultivate healthy technology habits.

●      Notice how you cope with challenges and uncomfortable feelings. Do you tend to use technology as an “escape”?  Talk with your child/teen about how you are feeling and what you will do to calm down rather than tune out.

Research content together before viewing. 

●      Our children/teens need to learn to become their own media analysts. Download an app or visit a media review site together. We recommend Common Sense Media because they offer reviews based on a child’s/teen’s age (and readiness). Get into a habit of reading together about new video games, television programs, movies, and applications before selecting them to view. If they are not developmentally appropriate, move on to something that is.

●      Research any topic you are curious about on the internet together and review the keywords to use and the quality of the sites that come up in your search. Discuss the quality and reliability of the site. For example, does the site provide opinion-based information or facts and research-based information?

●      Discuss the roles of technology in your home. Share the facts. Here are some key facts gathered from Confident Parents, Confident Kids:

1. Too much screen time changes the structure and functioning of the brain. According to brain plasticity research, whatever stimuli are received over time directly affects the development and hard wiring of the brain. If children/teens are used to changing images every 5-6 seconds, then their brain needs that stimulus to help them focus their attention.^5

2. Too much screen time can also result in obesity (unconscious eating), de-sensitivity to violent images, more significant challenges with learning and academic achievement, and less nourishing (REM) sleep.^6

3. Hormone levels change. Dopamine, a pleasure hormone, is released while watching screens, which makes the experience addictive. It’s human nature to desire that pleasure response and return to it repeatedly. Melatonin is reduced, affecting the ability to regulate sleep, the strength of the immune system, and the onset of puberty.^6

4. Extended screen viewing impacts the child’s/teen’s developing brain. Heavy viewing has been shown to retard the myelination process in the early brain, particularly from birth to age four. Myelination is the process in which nerve cells in the brain build up a fatty protein sheath that improves conductivity, enhancing the flow of information from one cell to another. If this process is retarded, there’s a loss in the ability to use the imagination and think creatively.^7

5. Mental fatigue shows reduced effectiveness and increased distraction and irritability. No screen time can restore cognitive fatigue. Researchers have found that being in nature is the best way to regain thinking.^8

Co-create rules and routines to manage device use.

●      Gather as a family to discuss the key issue since it impacts everyone in a household. After sharing facts, discuss your family and personal priorities for everyday life. Here are some questions to help you consider your routine and rules:

○      How do we use our time daily when not in school or work? Do we like the way we use our time?

○      What activities are a high priority (meals, homework, exercise, extracurriculars)?

○      Which of those activities require our complete focus?

○      When do we have time to connect as a family?

Consider the following recommendations when creating rules and routines:

●      Mealtime can be an essential time for families to connect. Consider this an excellent time to put devices away and focus on one another.

●      For healthy sleep, all devices should be shut down an hour before bedtime. 

●      Create a home base in the main living area for charging your devices. For healthy sleep, charge devices overnight somewhere other than a bedroom or place where a child/teen is sleeping.

●      Use your child’s/teen’s feelings as a guide. Help raise their self-awareness by asking, “How do you feel?” after a session on a device. If you are more anxious, determine whether it was the content or too much screen time. Make adjustments accordingly.

●      Ensure your child/teen doesn’t exceed one hour of screen time without a break. Healthy eyes need that break, even if brief.

Take on the student role with your child/teen.

●      Create time for your child/teen to take you on a digital tour of their latest favorites, whether a video game, a new app, or an online video. 

●      Regularly ask questions to understand the digital world better and gain your child’s/teen’s perspectives.

●      Dialogue about the online friends and communities your child/teen participates in and has created relationships with.

Trap: Not all media is trustworthy! There are fake news headlines, articles, images, and videos interspersed with trustworthy...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship, and daily chores provide a perfect opportunity. 

Chores allow your child/teen to play a role in contributing to the maintenance and care of your family’s household. Children/teens ages 11-14 are establishing lifestyle habits that will extend throughout their lifetime, whether making their beds in the morning, doing their dirty dishes, or cleaning up their games and supplies. Children/teens who do chores learn that part of being in a family contributes to the work and responsibilities of family life. When they pitch in, it creates a sense of autonomy, belonging, and competence. 

Research has found that the best predictor of success in young adulthood can be directly traced back to whether a child began doing chores at an early age, as young as three or four.^1 But it’s never too late to begin! Another study linked children doing chores to positive mental health in their early adulthood.^2  Doing chores teaches a work ethic essential in helping children/teens persist toward any goal. 

Yet, there are challenges. Children’s/teen’s schedules are busy. After school, your child/teen may have soccer practice, several hours of homework, and grand desires of seeing friends or playing outside. “Why do I have to take out the garbage cans? My friends don’t,” you may hear from your eleven-year-old. Whether cleaning up their room or setting the table for dinner, your child/teen may argue with you when they have other goals, like, “How can I socialize or game longer?” 

The key to many parenting challenges, like chores, is finding ways to communicate to meet your and your child’s/teen’s needs. Daily chores are also a way for your child/teen to learn valuable skills like timeliness and responsibility. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to prepare you.

Why Chores?

Whether asking your eleven-year-old to make their bed and turn off the lights each day or reminding your twelve-year-old to rinse the dishes and put them in the dishwasher after dinner, these can become your daily challenges if you don’t create regular routines. With input from your child/teen in advance, clear roles and responsibilities can be outlined alongside a well-established plan for success.

Today, in the short term, chores can create

●      greater cooperation and motivation as you go about your daily tasks;

●      greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment as you each implement your respective roles while feeling set up for success; 

●      trust in each other that you have the competence to complete your responsibilities with practice and care, and

●      added daily peace of mind.

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child/teen

●      builds skills in collaboration and cooperative goal-setting;

●      builds skills in responsible decision-making, hard work, and persistence; and

●      gains independence, life skills competence, and self-sufficiency.

Five Steps for Establishing Chores

This five-step process helps you and your child/teen establish routines and build essential skills. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process)[1] .

Tip: These steps are best done when you and your child/teen are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and a healthy parenting relationship[3]  support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Child/Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

You can get your child/teen thinking about chores by asking open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s/teen’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to chores so that you can address them. Children/teens need more autonomy as they find their independence and seek to define themselves as individuals separate from their parents. In gaining input, your child/teen 

●      has the opportunity to think through the routine and problem-solve any challenges they may encounter ahead of time

●      has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership also comes a greater responsibility for implementing the chore) 

●      has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership and 

●      will be working in collaboration with you to make informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their day

Actions

●      Ask and negotiate. Start by engaging your child/teen in a list of chores they might be interested in doing. You might ask and consider together:

○      “Help me create a list of chores. What might be some chores we should consider?” 

○      “Why are chores important?” 

○      “What chores feel most meaningful to you?” 

○      “Which ones do you think you can complete regularly?”

●      Discuss challenges. As you talk to your child/teen about taking on responsibilities, talk about typically challenging times, such as balancing chores and homework. As after-school activities and the burden of homework increase, there is more pressure on your child/teen to get chores done. Discuss how to manage chores on these tough days. You could say, “I know Tuesdays can be hard between having to do homework and being at swim practice. What are ways you can still get your chores done?” Brainstorm ideas to solve the problem.

●      Make the agreements very clear. Be sure that you both are on the same page about the expectations. Children/teens love to look for loopholes, so talk through those. Say, “I want to ensure we are on the same page. Tell me your understanding of what I am asking you to do.” Ensure you have clarified whether “clean your room” includes pick up, vacuum, or dust. 

●      Write the plan. Make sure your child/teen is the one writing down the plan and designing it however they would like. Make it simple. 

●      Post the plan in a visible location. Refer to it as a reminder, “What’s next on our plan?”

Create a checklist of your household responsibility plan on a whiteboard or chalkboard. Children/Teens appreciate owning the list and enjoy checking off their list. And, this way you are not micro-managing them. Instead, you are supporting their independence.Trap: Be sure to create your plan at a calm time. Don’t create your plan when you are in the routine, hungry or tired, or under time pressure. Step 2. Teach New Skills

Some chores might be challenging for your child/teen initially. Frame these as evidence about how your child/teen is growing in terms of their responsibilities. Though children/teens would often like to appear fully capable and independent, they are still learning the tasks of family life. Consider: “If my child/teen left our house and lived away from us today, would they know how to do laundry fully, pay for utilities and rent, and prepare three healthy meals daily?” Thinking about what tasks they’ll need to be able to do when they are on their own can offer you guidance on areas to step up their responsibilities. You’ll need to teach them to do those new tasks when you've identified those areas.

Another helpful way to identify what kinds of tasks children/teens can take on to demonstrate greater responsibility is to learn what developmental milestones[4]  they’re working on.^3 Here are some examples:^4

●      Eleven-year-olds like to challenge rules and may need more adult empathy. They may also be sensitive to justice issues. Consider doing chores together, such as yard work or caring for pets, sick family members, or neighbors.

●      Twelve-year-olds are more self-aware, will initiate activities, and are beginning to develop better organizational skills. Ask for opinions about organizing areas of the house that need attention. Assign projects of interest with support if required.

●      Thirteen-year-olds are highly sensitive and like to challenge authority. They are searching for independence and tend to want to engage in service and social justice. Ideas for chores include making large meals together for your family, contributing to other families as a service, and caring for pets. 

●      Fourteen-year-olds need physical activity and active opportunities. They tend to be interested in services related to social/world issues. Ideas for chores include mowing the lawn or caring for the yard, vacuuming, helping with moving boxes or bins, engaging in home improvement projects like painting, or caring for bikes.

Remember, teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child/teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. This is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences[5]  for unmet expectations.

Trap: Requiring a child/teen to do a household task before teaching first will frustrate them. After all, your child/teen may need help to do the job competently. Take the time to teach the new job before incorporating it into their routine.Actions

●      Teachers use a simple process called interactive modeling that can become a powerful teaching tool for parents and those in a parenting role.^5

○      Say what you will model and why

○      Model the behavior 

○      Ask your child/teen what they noticed

○      Invite your child/teen to model

○      Ask what they noticed with their modeling

○      Practice together

○      Provide specific feedback starting with strengths using “I notice…”

The following is an example of how this might look between a parent and child/teen who are talking about preparing for a family dinner: “Now that you are old enough to use the stove by yourself, I want to show you how to make a family favorite dinner -- spaghetti and meatballs. I will show you the basics, but I want you to watch for what I do to stay safe in the kitchen.” Model behaviors like tucking the pan’s handle, turning off the burners and double-checking them, using pot holders, pouring away from you, etc. Routinely ask your child/teen, “What did you notice me do?” and ask your child/teen to take the lead halfway through.

Be sure to pick a time to do this when not under time pressure. If you suspect that your child/teen might resist being taught a new task by you, then this can be done subtly. Just working side by side on a project and chatting about what you are actually doing models the behaviors, promotes reflection on what you’re doing, and helps transfer the skills to your child/teen. 

Tip: Your child/teen is interested in making connections and learning about what’s happening in the outside world, so use this motivator! Experiment with having your child/teen wait at your family table. Play it out by having them set the table, take drink orders, and serve. Or, if your child/teen is more interested in meal preparation, have them select the menu, shop for it, and actively work together on cooking and preparing it.Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Daily chores can allow your child/teen to practice new skills if you seize the opportunity. With practice, your child/teen will improve over time as you give them the chance with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child/teen performs the chore.

Practice also provides important opportunities to grow self-efficacy—a child’s/teen’s sense that they can do a task successfully. This leads to confidence. It will also help them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.

Actions

●      Use “I’d love for you to…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. When a child/teen learns a new ability, they are eager to make it their own and add their own flavor! Give them that chance. Say, “I’d love for you to make breakfast that has your own flair.” 

●      Recognize effort. Parents or those in a parenting role often offer feedback on what children/teens need to do right. Recognize effort by saying “I notice...” like: “I notice how you brought back the garbage can from the curb today without me asking. That’s taking responsibility!” 

●      Proactively remind. The challenges you have in your daily routines may recur day after day. Remind in a gentle, non-public way. You may say, “Remember what we do with the pot handle?”

Trap: Don’t continually repeat yourself. Children/teens often need more time to perform tasks that challenge them, even if you believe they are simple and don’t require much time. Be sure to wait long enough for your child/teen to show you they are competent. Your waiting could make all the difference in whether they are able to do what you need them to do.Step 4. Support Your Child’s/Teen’s Development and Success 

At this point, you’ve taught your child/teen a new or challenging task so that they understand how to perform it. You’ve practiced together. Now, you can offer support when needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate -- applying logical consequences. Parents and those in a parenting role naturally provide support as they see their child/teen fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different. 

Actions

●      Actively reflect on how chores are going. Ask questions like, “How are you feeling about clean-up time? Do you know where everything goes?” 

●      Infuse some fun! Working together as a family can be enjoyable. Turn on some of your child’s/teen’s favorite music or sing a song while working. 

●      Reflect on outcomes. “It looks like you forgot to set the table. What could help you remember in the future?” 

●      Stay engaged. Working together on particularly challenging chores can offer additional support and motivation for your child/teen when tough issues arise.

●      Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after the behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process. First, get your feelings in check. Not only is this good modeling, but when your feelings are in check, you can provide logical consequences that fit the behavior. Second, invite your child/teen to discuss the expectations established in Step 2. Third, if you feel your child/teen is not holding up their end of the bargain (unless it is a matter of them not knowing how), apply a logical consequence as a teachable moment.

Trap: Check your tone and attitude toward chores! If you groan when it’s time to finish them, your child/teen will also groan. It could also add to your challenge to involve your child/teen. If you approach chores with a “Let’s dig in together” attitude, that’s how your child/teen will also learn to approach them.Step 5. Recognize Efforts

No matter how old your child/teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child/teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child's/teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships -- a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow. 

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s/teen’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s/teen’s behavior.   

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child/teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You unloaded the dishwasher after dinner—Thank you!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child/teen knows what to expect, like "If you remember to do your chores this week,  we will get a treat on the drive home from school on Friday." (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child/teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child's/teen’s internal motivation.     Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like when a child/teen is arguing about leaving an event. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to buy a treat if the child/teen will stop arguing). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.TRAP: It...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship. Teaching your child/teen to repair harm is a great opportunity. 

Your support in growing the skill of repairing harm can help your child/teen develop social awareness -- “the ability to understand the perspectives of and empathize with others, including those from diverse backgrounds, cultures, and contexts.”^1 They’ll develop relationship skills as they learn how to mend hurt feelings in friendships or with coaches, teachers, and caregivers. They’ll also exercise responsible decision making, or “the ability to make caring and constructive choices about personal behavior and social interactions across diverse situations,” learning that their choices cause a reaction or outcome which can harm others or themselves.”^1 These skills grow your child’s/teen’s sense of responsibility, while improving your relationship.

Some parents and those in a parenting role feel that if they do not impose punishments, their child/teen will not understand that their behavior is inappropriate. When a child/teen is punished, they often feel scared, humiliated, and hurt. This overwhelming fear or hurt impacts their relationship with you while failing to teach them the appropriate constructive behavior and build a skill. Your child/teen will likely miss the lesson you want to emphasize and feel unsafe. 

Punishment often leads to more poor choices. A vicious cycle begins in which a child/teen feels bad about themselves and repeats the behaviors that are expected of a “bad child.” Parents and those in a parenting role need to learn to actively support their child/teen in repairing harm to interrupt this cycle.

Children/teens ages 11-14 will naturally make mistakes, test limits, and break rules. And when they do, they only consider their impulses and desires and not how they might impact you or others. The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for decision making and reasoning, fully develops once your child/teen is in their mid-twenties, so it is natural for children/teens to forget to pause before acting. Children/Teens require support and follow-through from parents and those in a parenting role to make things better. They need to understand that they always have another chance to repair harm. This skill is developed over time and requires a lot of practice.

Research confirms that children/teens are developing higher-order thinking skills like consequential thinking and linking cause to effect.^2 This directly impacts their school success and ability to take responsibility for their actions as they grow. Children/Teens need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.

Guidance on repairing harm can be challenging for many parents and those in a parenting role.^3 Instead of a quick, reflexive response like yelling, scolding, or punishing, repairing harm takes time, follow-through, and thoughtful consideration. Yet, it can become the most powerful teaching opportunity for your child/teen as they learn to take responsibility for their actions and understand how their choices impact others. As you utilize these teachable moments, your relationship with your child/teen will be enriched. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters.

Why Guidance for Repairing Harm?

When your eleven-year-old hides a failed test, your thirteen-year-old lies about going to a friend’s house without parental supervision, or your fourteen-year-old verbally fights with a neighbor, these situations are opportunities to provide guidance for repairing harm. 

Today, in the short term, guidance for repairing harm can create

●      a sense of confidence that you can help your child/teen heal hurt relationships and make up for mistakes made

●      a greater understanding of the connection between your child’s/teen’s actions and their impact on themselves and others 

●      trust in each other that you have the competence to make things right after harm has been done

●      a growing understanding of rules and expectations 

Tomorrow, in the long term, guidance for repairing harm helps your child/teen

●      build skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision making 

●      learn independence and self-sufficiency

●      build assertive communication to express needs and boundaries, which is critical for keeping them safe and ready to deal with peer pressure

Five Steps for Guiding Your Child/Teen to Repair Harm

This five-step process helps you guide your child/teen to build the skills necessary to repair harm when poor choices or mistakes occur. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[1] ).

Tip: These steps are best done when you and your child/teen are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and a healthy parenting relationship[3]  support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Child/Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

A child’s/teen’s behaviors are often influenced by their feelings. Feelings are spontaneous reactions to people, places, and experiences.^2,^4 Feelings are not right or wrong,  but the behaviors your child/teen chooses may be helpful or harmful in meeting their needs and supporting connections. Though they may act on a feeling in a moment that harms another either through words or actions, they likely won’t consider the impact on others until the harm is already done.

You can help your child/teen start understanding their feelings[4]  by asking open-ended questions. In gaining input: 

●      You can better understand why your child/teen behaves a certain way.

●      You can begin to teach your child/teen how to understand their impulses and feelings, which will help them manage their behaviors.

●      You can grow their self-control, self and social awareness, and problem-solving skills.

Actions

Children/Teens ages 11-14 are still learning to understand their feelings, other people’s feelings, and how their actions affect others. Consider that adults sometimes do not realize the complex emotions they are feeling. Children/teens will need your support to figure this out. When both you and your child/teen are calm, reflect on your child’s/teen’s feelings so you can be prepared to help. Ask yourself:

●      “Does my child/teen have an unmet need?” They might need someone to listen or give them attention, some alone time, or some help so they can be successful at something they are trying to do. 

●      You can ask them about how they are feeling.

○      “I noticed your face got red. So, when you said unkind things to your sister, were you frustrated?” 

○      “I saw your friend leave you after school to talk with someone else. I wonder if you are feeling sad?”

●      After validating their feelings, you can also ask how they think others might be feeling.

○      “When your friend walked away, how do you think they felt?”

○      “When you said that to me, how do you think that made me feel?”

○      If your child/teen is not receptive to thinking about how the other person feels, that likely means they do not feel heard. Once your child/teen feels seen, heard, and validated, they are more likely to be able to consider the person they hurt. 

●      Use your best listening skills! Listen closely to what concerns your child/teen most without projecting your thoughts, concerns, and feelings. 

●      Explore the mind-body connection. In calmer moments with your child/teen, ask, “How does your body feel now?” See how descriptively they can list their physical signs of well-being. Now ask, “How does your body feel when angry?” Every person's physical experience will be different. Find out how your child/teen feels. Sometimes, it helps to identify the physical symptoms you’ve observed. “I’ve seen your face get red. Do you get hot when you’re mad?” Making the connection between those symptoms and the usual feelings they are having helps raise their self-awareness.        

Trap: Avoid letting the question turn into an accusation. Remember to stay calm and that the goal of the question is to help the child/teen uncover feelings.Step 2. Teach New Skills

The fundamental purpose of repairing harm is to grow the skill of taking responsibility through constructive action, such as healing hurt relationships and mending broken objects. Learning new skills and behaviors requires modeling, practice, support, and recognition.

Learning to understand your feelings and behaviors when your child/teen misbehaves is a great way to start. It will help you understand what they are learning to do. You might ask yourself:

●      “Do I get angry when they act in a certain way?” 

●      “How do I respond to my anger?” 

●      “How do I want my child/teen to respond when they feel angry?”

Learning about your child’s/teen’s developmental milestones[5]  can help you have reasonable expectations for your child/teen. 

●      Eleven-year-olds are trying to assert their independence, imagining themselves in adult roles. As they grow their social awareness, being able to better see from another person’s perspective, they also increase their worries about being liked, who’s “in” and who’s “out,” and may exclude others to gain popularity. All of this can cause newfound worries.

●      Twelve-year-olds, as they gain confidence and leadership abilities, are eager to figure out more serious adult issues and where they stand. Disturbing news and social issues could preoccupy them more than ever with their growing social awareness. They also have a lot of energy and need sleep, so they may have less resilience and find themselves more run down by stress, particularly when they stay up late.

●      Thirteen-year-old boys will show the first signs of puberty, while girls will be almost fully physically developed. Both genders can have worries related to their newly acquired body changes. They can be susceptible as they work to define their independent identity while still being dependent upon you. They will feel an ever-greater sense of peer pressure,, and though they may be pushing you away, they also require your continued support and guidance, including hopes for your approval.

●      Fourteen-year-olds may act invincible, and like they know it “all.” Despite this, they still look to adults to set boundaries, negotiate rules, and listen to their needs. They are gaining interest in others as romantic partners and will have crushes, broken hearts, and worries related to relationships. They may enjoy academic challenges until they feel overwhelmed or underprepared., Then they may claim they are “bored” as a way of saving their reputation. However, in reality, they are stressed that they are not competent.

Teaching is different from just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child/teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. ^5 This is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences[6]  when expectations are not met.

Trap: It can be easy for parents or those in a parenting role to scold a child/teen who has made a poor choice, inducing a feeling of shame. Instead, you want your child/teen to feel empowered to take steps toward making something better. Remember that children especially teens, are their worst critics and may already have intense messages of failure generated in their self-talk. Calming down first will take the heat out of your tone and send the message of support for guiding them toward a better decision.Actions

●      Teach your child/teen positive behaviors. Each time your child/teen misbehaves, ask yourself what positive behavior you need to teach and practice that can replace the inappropriate behavior.

●      At a calm time, brainstorm healthy coping strategies and make a list together to keep in an accessible location. These might include hugging a pillow, reading a favorite book, walking outside or riding a bike, getting a glass of water, talking to a friend, writing in a journal, or listening to music.

●      Work on your family feelings vocabulary. Children/Teens ages 11-14 are still learning about feelings. Notice and name feelings when a family member is showing an expression to offer plenty of practice. Ask, don’t tell. “Dad, you look sad. Is that right?” Being able to identify feelings is the first step in successfully managing emotions.

●      Model assertive communication through “I-messages.” Here’s how: “I feel (insert feeling word) when you (name the words or actions that upset you) because (state the impact).” Here’s an example: “I feel sad when you say hurtful things to your brother. It hurts his feelings.” This helps you take responsibility for your feelings while avoiding blaming language like “You did…” (which closes down the mind and ears of the other). It helps communicate the problem constructively.

●      Teach your child/teen how to repair harm. When they hurt a sibling’s feelings, talk to them about what they could do to help heal the relationship, such as apologizing, doing an act of kindness for the other, writing a note, drawing a picture, or offering a hug. Give them options from which to choose. You can gently suggest that your child/teen apologize, but avoid forcing your child/teen to say “I’m sorry.”

●      Model repairing harm. All parents and those in a parenting role make mistakes and have moments when they wish they had parented differently. Use these moments to show your child/teen what repairing harm looks like. Some parents and those in a parenting role may fear apologizing to their child/teen will compromise their authority.  Instead, you are modeling how to repair relationships and build a strong connection with your child/teen. A strong parent-child connection is linked to positive outcomes throughout a child’s/teen’s life.

●      End the day with love. When children/teens misbehave during the day, they often end the day feeling bad about themselves. Children/Teens tie your love to their behavior. If you act proud of them, they feel loved. If you are disappointed or mad at them, they feel unloved. Be sure to spend one-on-one time with your child/teen if they have had rough patches that day. This teaches them that they are loved no matter what choices they make. It encourages them to practice new ways of behaving.

Trap: If you tell or even command your child/teen to make an apology, how will they ever learn to apologize with feeling genuinely? In fact, apologizing or making things right should never be assigned as a punishment since then the control lies with the adult, robging the child/teen of the opportunity to learn the skill and internalize the value of repairing harm. Instead, ask the child/teen how they feel they should compensate for the hurt they’ve caused and help them implement their idea.Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Practice can be pretend play, cooperatively completing the task together, or trying out a task with you as a coach and ready support. In the case of repairing harm, following up with your child/teen and helping them to make things better after a poor choice will offer this kind of rehearsal. Practice is necessary for children/teens to internalize new skills. Practice makes vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your child/teen performs the new action.

Actions

●      Accept feelings. If you will help your child/teen manage their biggest feelings, it is essential to acknowledge and accept their feelings -- even ones you don’t like. When your child/teen is upset, consider your response. Instead of focusing on their actions or the problem, focus on their feelings FIRST. You could say, “I hear you’re upset. What can you do to help care for yourself? Would your calm down space help you right now?” Then, focus on teaching and practicing better behavior.

●      Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. When a child/teen learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say, “Show me how you are able to heal your relationship with your sister.” This practice will prepare your child/teen to use it when they require your attention, andare tempted to misbehave to meet their needs.

●      Offer limited and authentic choices. Offering them a choice, even if small -- “Do you want to talk to her directly or write her a note?” -- can return a sense of control to their lives. It also offers valuable practice in responsible decision making.

●      Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you went back to your sister to talk to her after you fought to improve things. That’s how you heal  the relationship.”

●      Practice deep breathing. Because deep breathing is such a simple way to assist your child/teen anytime, anywhere, it’s important to get plenty of practice to make it easy to use when needed.^5

●      Follow through on repairing harm. When your child/teen has caused...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an important role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child/teen relationship while building essential listening skills in your child/teen.

Your child’s/teen’s success depends upon their ability to listen and understand what you and others are communicating. Listening skills can support your child’s/teen’s ability to engage in healthy relationships, focus, and learn. For example, children/teens must listen to their teacher if they follow directions and successfully navigate expectations at school. Not surprisingly, better listening skills are associated with school success. 

Children/Teens ages 11-14 are carving out their identity, and their measuring stick is often their peers’ opinions and approval. They come to better understand themselves through interactions with you, their teachers, and their peers. This is a critical time to teach and practice listening skills. 

However, everyone encounters difficulties in listening. With screens, such as mobile devices, captivating children and teens for hours each day, it's easy to overlook opportunities to engage with your child or teen and practice listening skills. Effective listening involves utilizing crucial skills such as impulse control, focused attention, empathy, and both nonverbal and verbal communication.

For parents or those in a parenting role, the key to many challenges, like building essential listening skills, is finding ways to communicate to meet your and your child’s/teen’s needs. The steps below include specific and practical strategies to prepare you for growing this vital skill. 

Why Listening?

Whether your eleven-year-old continues to play video games when you’ve told them screen time is over, or your fourteen-year-old daydreams during the teacher’s instructions and does not know how to do their homework, establishing regular ways to practice listening skills can prepare your child/teen for family, school, and life success.

Today, in the short term, teaching skills to listen can create

●      greater opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment 

●      trust in each other that you have the competence to manage your relationships and responsibilities

●      a sense of well-being and motivation to engage

●      language and literacy fluency

Tomorrow, in the long term, working on effective listening skills with your child/teen

●      develops a sense of safety, security, and a belief in self

●      builds skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision making

●      deepens family trust and intimacy

Five Steps for Building Listening Skills

This five-step process helps you and your child/teen cultivate effective listening skills, a critical life skill. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about it)[1] .

Tip: These steps are best done when you and your child/teen are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and healthy parenting relationships[3]  will support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Child/Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

You can get your child/teen thinking about listening skills by asking open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s/teen’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to how they feel when they have difficulty focusing and listening so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child/teen

●      has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership also comes a greater responsibility for solving their problems)

●      has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership

●      will be working in collaboration with you to deepen your ability to communicate with one another

●      will grow their self-control (adding to their ability to focus attention) as well as empathy and problem-solving skills

Actions

Consider what challenges your child/teen in their ability to listen effectively. Your active listening to your child/teen will model the very kinds of skills you are attempting to build. You might start by asking:

●      “What does it mean to listen to someone truly?” 

●      “When do you feel listened to?  How do you sense  that the person is truly listening to you?” 

●      “How do you show that you are truly listening?”

●      “What are ways to convey that you are listening to someone?”

●      “How do you feel when someone doesn’t listen to you?”

Tip: During a family meal, explore the question: “What does it take to listen well?” Allow each family member to respond. Model listening by allowing each person to complete their thoughts without interruption or judgment.Step 2. Teach New Skills

Children and teens are learning to engage in healthy relationships through loving interactions, including listening effectively. Skill building takes intentional practice. Learning about developmental milestones[4]  can help you better understand what your child or teen is working hard to learn. 

●      Eleven-year-olds are trying to assert their independence. As they grow their social awareness (seeing from another person’s perspective), they may desire a new level of skill in listening for thoughts and feelings.

●      Twelve-year-olds are gaining confidence and leadership abilities. Listening to peers becomes more important. Disturbing news and social issues could preoccupy them more than ever with their growing social awareness. 

●      Thirteen-year-olds can be highly sensitive to comments from you, teachers, and peers as they work to define their independent identity. This can challenge their listening skills as worries may cloud their focus on what you are trying to communicate.

●      Fourteen-year-olds may act invincible, and like they know it “all.” Despite this, they still look to adults to set boundaries, negotiate rules, and listen to their needs. Friends will be essential in their lives, and they may spend lots of time communicating through texts, gaming, and messaging. 

Remember, teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child/teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. 

Actions

●      Model listening while interacting with your child/teen. Modeling listening skills can be one of the greatest teaching tools.  Listening to your child/teen will build connection and cooperation.

●      Set a goal for yourself. Pick a time of day when you know that you and your child/teen will be talking. Then, notice your body language. Ask yourself, “How am I demonstrating that I’m listening? What am I doing that I want my child/teen to do?”

●      Listen for thought and feeling. In addition to listening to what your child/teen says, see if you can identify the unspoken thoughts and feelings behind the content.

●      Children/Teens still need their parent’s attention to thrive. So, why not build a sacred time into your routine when you are fully present to listen to what your child/teen has to tell you? Turn your phone off. Set aside the chores. Set a timer if you need to. When your child feels seen and heard, they will be better able to listen to others.  Even five minutes of your undivided attention goes a long way in helping your child/teen feel seen and connected to you.

●      Learn listening strategies together by trying them out.

o   Get curious. Don’t stop asking questions when you get one-word answers. Your child/teen must know that you will relentlessly work to get information from them. It is essential that your child/teen knows that they cannot just outwait you. So when you ask, “How was your day?” and your child/teen says, “Fine,” don’t stop. Try, “Say more -- what was fine about it?” or “What was difficult about today?” or “What went well?” or “Let’s start at the beginning,” or “What made you laugh today?” Don’t give up!

o   Find opportunities to share. Model what it is like to share about your day. If your child/teen asks you how your day was, do not respond with a superficial or one-word answer. Engage them about a conflict you had or a challenge you faced. See if they can help offer suggestions. 

o   Actively listen. Try out active listening, in which one person listens to fully understand what the speaker is saying and waits until the speaker is finished talking before responding. A response could be a simple “I get it.” Make eye contact and practice placing your full focus on the speaker.

o   Paraphrase. Try paraphrasing by repeating to the speaker a summary of what they’ve said to check your listening accuracy and confirm that you have heard them. You might start, “I heard you say that…”

o   Seek clarification. Try out seeking clarification. Particularly if you are listening to learn something from the speaker, it is important to seek clarification on details to ensure you understand. Practice seeking clarification by asking questions like, “What did you mean when you said you were upset at school? What happened?”

o   Practice questioning and commenting with empathy. Instead of responding to a speaker with your own experiences, focus solely on the content of what has been communicated. For example, your child/teen might say, “Today, Mrs. Smith started a new writing project. We get to write an essay on any topic we are interested in. I can’t wait.” Instead of responding with something like, “I remember when I was in school…,” which takes the focus away from your child/teen, you might say, “Sounds like you are excited about this project. That’s great! What thoughts have you had about what topic you will choose?” This empathetic pattern of speaking and listening requires practice. Your modeling will make a difference in your child’s/teen’s comfort with this communication style.^1

Tip: As your children/teens age, enticing them into meaningful conversations can be challenging. “Fine” might be all you get in response to “How was your day?” So, turn down the car radio. Hang around them without your phone. Offer plenty of chances to listen when they are ready to talk.Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Daily conversations allow your child/teen to practice vital new skills if you seize those opportunities. Each time your child/teen works hard to practice essential listening skills, they grow vital new brain connections that strengthen and eventually form habits.

Practice also provides essential opportunities to grow self-efficacy—a child’s or teen’s sense that they can do a task or skill successfully. This leads to confidence. It will also help them understand that mistakes are part of learning.

Actions

●      Initially, your child or teen may need active support. Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity and ask them to demonstrate listening. For example, you could say, “Show me a few different ways you can convey that you are listening as we talk about our day.”  

●      Recognize effort using “I notice...” statements like, “I notice how you listened fully to your sister and didn’t interrupt her. That’s so helpful to her.”

●      Several activities require strong listening skills. Offer practice by engaging in these activities as a family.

o   Riddles. Riddles are fun ways to support listening skills. Take turns asking each other riddles that require active listening and engaged conversation.

o   Song lyrics/short clips. Take turns choosing a favorite song or short clip to listen to. As a family, discuss the lyrics or clip and what about the lyrics or clip that really moved everyone.

o   Twenty Questions. You probably remember playing some version of this game. It requires listening and deductive reasoning. One person thinks of something (an object, an animal, a person, etc.), and others ask yes/no questions to deduce what the person thinks about. However, they only have 20 questions before they run out. 

●      Read together. When you read stories together, you engage in a listening activity that can be deeply connecting for both of you. Be sure to involve your child/teen in selecting the book they want to read. 

Step 4. Support Your Child’s/Teen’s Development and Success

At this point, you are developing your child’s/teen’s listening skills and allowing them to practice. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate, applying logical consequences[5] . Parents and those in a parenting role naturally offer support as they see their child/teen fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different. 

By providing support, you reinforce their ability to succeed and help them improve their listening skills. 

Actions

●      Ask key questions to see how your child’s/teen’s listening is going. You can ask questions like: 

o   “I notice that you are having difficulty listening to me as I tell you about my day. What do you think is going on for you?”  

o   “What things might you need to do or say to yourself to help yourself listen?”

●      Learn about your child’s/teen’s development. Each new age will present different social challenges. Become informed regularly about what developmental milestones your child/teen is working toward will offer you empathy and patience. 

●      Stay engaged. Working together on ideas for new and different listening strategies can offer additional support and motivation for your child/teen when challenging issues arise.

●      Engage in further practice. Create more opportunities to practice when all is calm.

●      If you are running into frequent challenges with listening, you could ask yourself a few questions:

o   Am I expecting something from my child/teen that they are developmentally able to do? Having expectations that align with your child’s/teen’s developmental ability can be incredibly frustrating for you and your child/teen.

o   Have I connected with my child/teen today on their level (read a book with them, played a game, engaged in conversation of their choice and interest)? A child/teen who is heard is a far more cooperative child/teen. 

●      When your child/teen is not listening, it can help to come to their eye level, engage in eye contact, use a gentle touch, and speak calmly. If your child/teen is distracted, shouting across the house is less likely to get their attention and more likely to escalate volume, repeated asks, and frustration for you and your child/teen.

●      Remember that your child/teen often wants you to listen without offering advice, suggestions, or solutions. When your child/teen comes to you to talk, you may want to ask, “Do you want me just to listen, or are you seeking advice?”  If they just want you to listen, don’t try to problem-solve, or they may not come to you the next time they want to talk.

●      Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after the negative behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process. First, get your feelings in check. Not only is this good modeling, but when your feelings are in check, you can provide logical consequences that fit the behavior. Second, invite your child/teen to discuss the expectations established in Step 2 for listening. Third, if you feel your child/teen is not holding up their end of the bargain (unless they do not know how), apply a logical consequence as a teachable moment.

Trap: When your child or teen does not listen to you or focuses elsewhere, you might be tempted to scold them, but be sure to give them additional chances. Everyone loses their focus sometimes. Seek clarification on what they heard and did not hear, and then review what you said again to help them refocus their attention.Step 5. Recognize Efforts

No matter how old your child/teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child/teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child's/teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships -- a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow. 

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s/teen’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors impact your child’s/teen’s behavior differently.   

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child/teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is vital in promoting more of it. For example, “You...