This is episode 129 of the Baehr and Curadh podcast. We are going to talk about things you did before coming out of the closet.
Browsing the underwear ads in the Sears catalog. Going to the men's underwear section of a department store. Taking off Ken's or G.I. Joe's pants and being horrified. Feeling different and isolated and lonely. Feeling dead inside when friends or family say that gay people are sinful, disgusting, abnormal, etc. Trying to figure out what to do about that awkward straight girl crushing on you. Constantly living with the sheer horror that someone will find out. Feeling dread when your parents would say, "I need to ask you something". Fearing your parents could check your phone anytime. Not understanding the fascination with tits that other guys have. The dread of your relatives asking if you have a girlfriend every holiday. Praying that the other boys don't ask the question "Which girl do you fancy?" When another kid asks "are you gay?" and your whole spine tingles with fear. Being bullied for being gay before you knew were gay. Only feeling comfortable with female friends. Feeling really uncomfortable at sleepovers. Taking "am I gay?" tests. Being jealous of women for all the attention they get from hot men. Wondering if maybe you just hadn't met the right girl yet. Finding ways to get out of sports and P.E. Feeling a special connection to one of your closest male friends. Accidentally experimenting without realizing what you were doing and why. Crushing for a boy who barely knew you existed that you could never be with. Your friend's hot dad. 
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