When an actor is typecast, they are locked into being cast for a certain TYPE of character, always a version of the same thing. And as parents, we can typecast our own kids. We give them labels on what they are - difficult, athletic, flighty, dramatic. 

We can also give them seemingly positive labels - like smart, pretty, nice - and those can have impacts on them as well. 

I want to empower you with:

awareness around the labels you might give your kids,

how it can impact your parenting experience,

how it can impact them,

and what to do about it 

 

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Do you typecast your kids? Do you give them labels on who they are?

We all do it, we label each kid. Especially when there are sets of siblings, we somehow have a need to categorize each of them like they are gang in a sitcom. 

Our labels are not facts

We feel like our labels about our kids are true, but they are our opinions.

We base these opinions on our experiences of them in the past. Then we have a judgement of them and our brain looks for evidence to build this into a belief

 

We look for more proof of our label

This is the confirmation bias (aka the Post-it note). Our brain is always looking for evidence it is true. In fact, our brain filters out information to the contrary.   

We build up more evidence and this belief gets very cemented. 

It is important to keep in mind that this label might be sometimes true, but also sometimes it is not true.  We need to be open to seeing both. 

 

The impacts that labelling our kids might have on our parenting

1. We treat them differently based on this label 

How we do treat a kid we think is 'messy'? Do we step in and clean for them? Do we give up on trying to teach them how to clean up?

It is important to get honest with ourselves about how we react to our kids from the expectations we have of them, according to the labels we have for them

2. We shape their self-concept 

Kids look to us to help them shape their self-concept. The more they hear it, the more they live into it, the more they believe it, the more they perpetuate it.

Our labels will put them into a box of who they are and who they are not. 

3. Positive labels can put a lot of pressure on our kids as well

I coach women who also struggle with failing at the seemingly positive 'labels' they've been given over the years. It can cause a lot of pressure to sustain them, and shame when 'failed'.

It can impact their growth mindset (see episode 49 on having a growth mindset vs a fixed mindset)

 

How to handle the labels we give our kids

1. Recognize the labels you have been typecasting your kids with 

Acknowledge that they are hard to give up for them and us.  

2. Separate your kids from the label

Your kid is not their behaviour.  Rather, everything they do is a decision and they are doing the work of getting good at making choices in their daily life.

3. Let them surprise you  

When we expect a pattern of behaviour from our kids, we perpetuate that.  

4. Encourage and acknowledge without the limitations of labels

Give them acknowledgement more than praise (focus on specific efforts)

Encourage them with what they are struggling with

Call them up with what you see in them, but leave it open for them to figure out how to apply it to their lives

Trying lots of new things. Vary the social roles that our kids are exposed to (as noted in the book Personality isn't Permanent by Benjamin Hardy)

5. Leave room for error 

We have a lot of 'ideal human' standards that we want our kids to constantly (100%) meet. Give them space to make mistakes and not meet the standards, without the threat of discipline or shame.  

Because people (adults and children) are not 100% awesome, 100% of the time. 

6. Leave room for change