Seeking approval from our peers and loved ones is natural. We want other people to like us whenever we walk in the world. Trish Kruger, a licensed clinical mental health counselor for Blue Ridge Treks, believes that our need for validation and approval from others is part of our history as human beings. But, Trish suggests when we start feeling constricted and heavy in the course of seeking approval, that’s how we’ll know we’ve tipped the scale and have done too much, forgetting to honor our authenticity along the way.

In this episode, Trish and I discuss the human need for validation and the point when approval-seeking becomes detrimental for individuals and their relationships. We describe the relationship between self-esteem & seeking approval and the importance of cultivating a strong sense of self. We explain how our relationship with approval is formed in childhood and discuss how minority groups are forced to seek approval to survive. We also underscore how adult attachment styles impact our desire to seek approval and highlight how we can respond with compassion and kindness to the parts of ourselves that need approval and validation from others.

“Healthy validation is rooted in love - we need that as communal beings. We’re meant to be in our tribe, and being in our tribe helps us feel understood.” - Trish Kruger

This week on Relationships! Let’s Talk About It:

• The underlying worry and anxiety in approval-seeking
• Being authentically generous from a place of a healthy sense of self as opposed to seeking approval
• Resentment and other indicators of an unhealthy approval-seeking in relationships
• The difference between a “reflected” sense of self and a “strong” sense of self
• Power differentiation and seeking approval as a matter of survival
• How and when approval-seeking becomes detrimental in a relationship
• Walking on eggshells and how girls and women learn to try not to be “too much”
• Healthy validation and how it’s different from approval-seeking
• A tree with shallow roots and what fear is like in a relationship
• Our need for approval during periods of transition
• Why parents need to be cognizant of how they’re feeding their children’s need for approval
• Seeking love steeped in fear and its prevalence in today’s society
• Risking relationships by speaking and living your truth
• The liberating feeling we feel whenever we align ourselves with our integrity and authenticity
• How we engage in reckless behavior when we’re not in alignment
• Practicing acceptance and compassion for the part of ourselves that seeks approval
• Self-soothing and self-care in the face of rejection

Resources Mentioned:

• Book: Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarch
• Book: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Related Content:

• People Pleasing
• The Importance of Rituals for Relationship Transformation
• The Power and Effects of Words

Connect with Trish Kruger:

• Blue Ridge Treks
• Trish Kruger on Facebook
• Email: [email protected]

Let’s Talk About It!

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Theme music “These Streets” provided by Adi the Monk