Teaching manners isn’t about rules and rigidity—it’s about showing love, kindness, and respect to the people around us. In this conversation with Monica Irvine from The Etiquette Factory, we unpack simple and practical strategies for teaching manners in a way that sticks. You’ll discover why manners are more than table rules and how they shape your children’s character for life.

If you’ve ever wondered how to teach manners without constant correction, this episode is full of practical stories, heart-tugging lessons, and family habits that make character training simple. Monica shares easy-to-implement tips to help kids feel valued, develop respect for others, and build lifelong relationship skills.

What you’ll learn in this episode:

✅Why teaching manners is really about loving others

✅The key mistake parents make with etiquette

✅How to create “soft heart” moments for better learning

✅Practical lessons your family can start using week

✅How manners build humility, confidence, and strong relationships

Monica Irvine is the President of The Etiquette Factory and co-Founder of Fundamentals4Kids. As a renowned national speaker and published author of over 20 books, Mrs Irvine delights in her passion for helping children and adults reach their full potential. Mrs Irvine is a retired homeschool mom who now enjoys the fruits of her labors watching her children raise her most loved grandchildren.

Follow Monica Irvine and The Etiquette Factory on Facebook

Recommended Resources:

Character Training Tool Kit

Character Development Without the Drama

Character Building in 3 Steps

Show Notes:

What It Really Means to Have Manners

Kerry: Well, let's talk about etiquette and manners. Could you tell our listeners just a little bit, maybe why is this so important? Especially in today's culture? And how does this go beyond just saying, please and thank you. I mean, please, and thank you are important, but that's just a little small part of it. So tell us why and what, how it goes beyond that.

Monica: I know sometimes over the years I've told my husband I should have named the company something besides the etiquette factory, because I'll be at a convention and I can always see people's reaction. They look up and they read the sign, and I can read their brain often where they're going. Oh, that's great and all. But we've got more important things to worry about than what fork to eat your salad with and to me I know why it's so much more than that.

Let me first give you the definition that we use for etiquette at the etiquette factory, and that is etiquette which manners and etiquette, chivalry all mean the same thing. Etiquette is helping those around us to feel valued, and comfortable.

George Washington's Rules Changed Everything

Monica: Years ago I was homeschooling our kids, and we were studying the life of President George Washington. And what a fascinating life that man had! And as we were doing that I stumbled upon George Washington's rules of civility and decent behavior. Many of you have read a couple of those, if not just Google that. And you will see this list of 110 chivalry skills that, according to President Washington's journal, he put to memory at the age of 13 he actually copied these 110 chivalry rules out of a French book.

As I started reading these rules, I just, I can just tell you the spirit penetrated my heart, and being the mom of 3 boys. I was like, Wow, you know, my boys, could benefit from knowing some of these? Of course, manners was always important to me. and so I said, You know, let's start trying to memorize one of these a week and kind of having a manners thing each week.

We started memorizing these chivalry skills, and something happened. I started noticing a change in behavior. and it fascinated me because I was like, what's what's changed. I mean, I've always told my boys to have good manners. I've always taught them.

The Problem with Teaching "In the Moment"

Monica: I think a light bulb moment happened when it dawned on me that usually 98% of the time when I was trying to teach my children manners was in the moment of correcting, like my one of my kids would say or do something that wasn't the most polite, and I would be oh, honey, no, baby, you can't say that, that's not polite. And then I would go on to tell them why.

When all of a sudden I shifted to start having a daily manners lesson during the school day, when my heart was softer. My children's hearts were softer because they weren't being fussed at. and we just had a discussion about well, how do we use our napkin correctly? Or how do you make an apology sound sincere. All of a sudden my boys would be like, Mom, let's do another one. What's the next one? Let's go ahead and talk about the next one. and it literally is what changed everything.

Why Manners Really Matter

Monica: Most people think of manners when they think of table manners right and usually family sit around the table, and for parents that manners are important to them. Their table sounds like this. Could you, too, with your mouth closed, honey, sit still in your chair, stop stop making that noise. Get your elbow off the table, and it's just this constant correcting.

But when I teach kids the definition of manners and I use an example like this, I'm like, okay. So if I came over and had dinner with you all your family tonight. and I sat down and I started eating like a pig. I mean, y'all, I'm chewing with my mouth open. I am making some weird noise with my tongue, or I eat so fast that I'm finished getting up and leaving the table. When you're on your 3rd bite any of those behaviors, I would be sending your family a message, and that message would be, look, I'm here for one person, one person only, and that's myself.

You see, the lack of manners is called selfishness. Manners is just trying to get me and you and all of us to look outward to pay attention to how our behavior or lack thereof, is causing other people around us to feel.

Teaching Children to Feel Others' Emotions

Kerry: I love the idea of being valued and being comfortable around someone. So I know this includes things like kindness and respect. Can you give us some ideas on how moms could either do that? Or my other thought was, how do they go from just learning the rules to actually internalizing some of that.

Monica: For me, and the way we go about teaching children is we try to actually tug on their heartstring a little bit what I mean by that is, usually it's when it's when our emotions are hit that we change our behavior.

So, for instance, let's say that our child has a habit of leaving their dirty clothes and wet towel on the bathroom floor, and most of us would handle it this way. Get your towel off the floor. Come, get your clothes. and usually it's in frustration right?

Well, all of a sudden, when you sit down with your kids and say, let's let's talk about, for instance, the way we leave the bathroom for the next person that uses it. If if I go into the restroom and I make a mess. However that happens, whether it's my dirty clothes, my wet towel, I leave the sink full of spit and toothpaste, or I don't have the commode, you know, nice and tidy. Do you want? Do you want to come in after me?

The Power of Standing to Show Honor

Monica: So let me give you. I'll give you all a lesson. One of our lessons. So one of our lessons is the stand up lesson. So if if we were at an event and someone brought in the American flag, what would we all do? You know we stand up, and why do we stand up? Well, we we stand up because of the honor and respect that we have for what that flag represents.

The same thing happens in our home. So the etiquette skill is that today, still, in the 21st century, it is polite for children to stand for adults and for gentlemen to stand for ladies. I use the word honor a lot because I want to raise and wanted to raise honorable children. What does it mean to be honorable? Well to be honorable. You have to do some honorable things and honorable things. Always 100% of the time require some level of sacrifice. That's what makes them honorable when you give of yourself in order to bless help someone else.

So how would this look in our home? Our families still eat at the table at least 3 or 4 times a week. But so Mom or Dad might say, Hey, family, it's time for dinner. and so our family would come to the table, and all of us would stand behind our chair until the person we're honoring sits down. Typically, I would suggest that that person first be mom. So Mom is the first person that sits down or the cook.

We're Creating Entitled Children

Monica: The last time you and your family had a big gathering, maybe 4th of July, who were actually the first people that had their plates prepared. 98% of you are, gonna say, the kids. because see? At some point our society decided that was easier. Oh, yeah. So we got to get the kids, get their plates, get their drink, make sure they have everything they need. And we think if we get the kids situated, then us adults can go over here and eat peacefully, because we're not being bothered by the needs of our children.

And then we're the same adults that want to walk around this earth complaining about the entitled generation. And I'm like parents. So you're gonna let your children have their plates fixed before their grandmother. Are you crazy? We've got to stop it because I believe that this behavior is hurting our children.

Simple Ways to Practice Valuing Others

Monica: When I'm teaching children and families how to help their children to greet people and introduce themselves. It's not just that we're supposed to introduce ourselves. It's just that greeting people is another way to help people to feel valued.

For instance, the last time you and the children went through the Walmart checkout line. What were what were our children doing? Were they obsessing over the candy, mom, can I have this? Can I have this. Were we on our phone scrolling through social media while we're waiting, we're all getting tricked by the enemy into this self absorption.

Whereas if I teach my kids how to value others right before we go through the groceries checkout line, I'm going to say, Hey, kids, what are we about to do check out, mom, what does that mean? We're going to help the cashier feel valued. That's right. And so then my children all know to say, Hello, how are you doing today? Oh, good afternoon! What's your name?

Kerry: That's so good, you know, in the middle of what you were saying. But while back the word humility just kept coming up to my mind, and the idea of Philippians. 2. Where Jesus is the perfect example of humility and giving of himself. So I really appreciate you bringing this down to the gospel, and it really is sacrifice, and that there's benefits for all of us when we sacrifice.

Resources and Encouragement

Monica: So the etiquettefactory.com. We've got some wonderful programs. This is our preschool through 3rd grade course, called fundamentals for kids. With little kids, we find that they need to play a game. They need to sing about it, hear a story. Make a craft. And that's what fundamentals for kids is. It's twice a week you pull something out of the box and we help you have a conversation with your kids.

And then the life skills for you is for 4th, 5th grade all the way through, seniors. In fact, it can count as a half a credit for our high school. We actually show videos of teenagers doing the skills the wrong way and the right way.

Monica: Oh, just you know, if I could go back in time and tell my new homeschool mom self, give myself any advice. It would be relax. Relax. You know, if if we all sent our kids to public school. There would be some gaps in their education when they graduated. and if we sent them to private school there would be some gaps in their education. and as we homeschool when they graduate. there's going to be some gaps. But it doesn't matter about the gaps. What matters is that every day we try to help our children learn to love, to learn. and that's all that matters.

In all the years that we homeschooled, y'all, we never finished curriculum. The only curriculum we ever finished. Every year was our math. But what happened is, we learned to love, to learn, and have very successful children who have done some really difficult things in their careers. It works itself out. But teaching character, teaching the gospel of Jesus Christ. There is no substitute for that, and have some fun because you're making memories.

Ready to start teaching manners in your home? Visit The Etiquette Factory to learn more about Monica's practical curriculum that makes teaching character and manners enjoyable for the whole family.