Dan & Billy invite Nostalgia Test Podcast all-star Meghan Nolan to put the 1988 Nicolas Cage black “comedy” Vampire’s Kiss to the ultimate test—THE NOSTALGIA TEST!

“This is a steaming pile of sh*t. I hate everything about it. It is not nostalgic for me. You cannot be nostalgic, I'm gonna say it again, about a movie that's about him raping somebody [...] It's not a comedy. It's a film that doesn't even know what it is. It doesn't make me nostalgic about the 80s. It doesn't make me nostalgic about bats. It doesn't make me nostalgic about anything. This is a hard fail. I never wanna see this film again. I'm sad that I watched it.”

There’s not really much else to say. Dan & Billy’s guest, Meghan, sums it up pretty well. This “movie” (if you can call it a movie) is an abysmal piece of chaos that should’ve tanked Nicolas Cage’s career, but because of his status as a Coppola in Hollywood he was absolutely fine and was able to continue to run amok forever. In fact, one of the main points in this episode is how it took almost 16 years for Jennifer Beals’ career to recover from Vampire’s Kiss. Sure, she was in the Denzel Washington movie Devil in a Blue Dress in 1995, but her comeback wasn’t until her role in The L-Word in 2004. Yet, Cage was in a string of insane failures and chaotic bullsh*t since 1988, and he continues to have this momentous acting career, even after 1997's Con Air. Another movie that should’ve killed his career.

But I digress.

This episode has everything a classic Nostalgia Test episode has, tangents, regrets, jokes, and all the insane laughter about Nic Cages need to have warm yoghurt poured on his toes so her can be “aroused” in a sex scene with Jennifer Beals. Again, this man was allowed to have a career after this! Also, justice for Alva, the poor secretary played by María Conchita Alonso who has to endure being verbally, emotionally, physically, and sexually abused by Peter Loew (Nic Cage) in this abomination of a film.

So, grab your fake plastic vampire teeth, reschedule your appointment with your inappropriate therapist, and brace yourself for one of the most insane breakdowns for a movie so bad that the podcast consensus is they’d rather watch Happy Gilmore 2.

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Approximate Rundown

00:00 Cold Open Chaos

00:38 Show Intro and Guests

02:43 First Impressions and Memes

03:34 Trailer vs Reality

04:31 Plot Setup and Alva Abuse

05:43 Noir Opening and No Plot

07:15 Bat Scene and Weird Sex

09:28 Accent Rant and Acting Choices

12:07 Office Contract and Harassment

13:52 Therapist and Vampire Teeth

15:57 Club Meet and Pasties Theory

25:47 Nick Cage Trivia Hot Yogurt

28:16 Career Context and No One Said No

31:49 Alva Home Life and Escalation

36:28 Time to Lean Quote

37:38 Bag Soup Confusion

38:48 Blanks and Assault Scene

39:30 Not a Dark Comedy

41:09 Cage Acting Trivia

42:19 Mimes and Street Filming

44:18 Roaches Pigeons Coffin

45:38 Club Murder Breakdown

49:31 Nepotism and Careers

54:02 All in His Head Theory

56:09 Therapy Session Madness

57:35 Reviews and Poll Results

01:02:06 Nostalgia Test Verdicts

01:11:01 Final Wrap and Next Picks

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The intro and outro music ('Neon Attack 80s') is by Emanmusic.

The Lithology Brewing ad music ("Red, White, Black, & Blue") is by PEG and the Rejected