The Demon Beelzebud returns to pester sisters Rena and Matilda. [sequel to Force Majeure] 

Cast List Beelzebud - Anthony D.P. Mann (Horror Etc. Podcast) Rena - Julie Hoverson Matilda - Kate Waterous Jesse - Big Anklevitch (Dunesteef Audio Magazine) Infernique - Julia Carter Willial - Mark Olson Benedict - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Closky - Florida Possum Fat guy - Dave Fontenot Manager - Scott Spaulding

Cameo appearance from Super Haunted Stories!

Music by  Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Julie Hoverson Cover art includes:  clear crystal / red crystal

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a modern family home, can't you tell?"

**********************************************

Caveat Emptor

Cast:

Beelzebud

Rena

Matilda

Jesse

Infernique

Willial

Benedict

Mrs. Closky

Fat guy

Manager

OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a family home, can't you tell? 

MUSIC

SOUND     ALARM CLOCK GOES OFF, IS SLAPPED DOWN

JESSE    [waking up]  maaaargh. 

SOUND    PATTING BED

JESSE    Huh?  [thick]  Babe? [clears throat] Babe?  [considering noise] Hmmm.

SOUND    BLANKET FLAPS

JESSE    What the hell time...?  What?  [yelling petulantly] Cassie?  Who reset the alarm?

SOUND    STUMBLES INTO OTHER ROOM

JESSE    Cassie?  Where's the laptop?  Shit!  We've been robbed! 

SOUND    RUSHING AROUND

SOUND    DOORBELL

JESSE    Where's the phone?  Gotta call police.

SOUND    DOORBELL

JESSE    Who the hell?

SOUND    DOOR OPENS ON CHAIN

JESSE    This is not a good time.

BUD    It's the only time you got, pal. 

JESSE    I just got robbed.

BUD    No, you just got dumped.  Read the note on the fridge.

JESSE    What?

SOUND    DOOR SLAMS, OUTSIDE WITH BUD

BUD    [WHISTLES SOMETHING]

SOUND    DOOR JERKS OPEN AGAIN

JESSE    [freaking out] Are you a friend of Cassie's?  Do you know where she went?

BUD    Not my area.  I just dropped by to give you a bit of a head's up.

JESSE    Uh-what?

BUD    I know you're feeling pretty low.  Wife walked out, took the kid, and you don't know why--

JESSE    We have a good life!

BUD    Yeah, it's got nothing to do with you moping around the house all day--

JESSE    I got laid off.

BUD    Leaving all the housework for the little woman, so that when she gets home from her full day--

JESSE    I have to spend my time looking for work--

BUD    A lot of work in World of Warcraft, is there?  Or are you considering a career in porn?

JESSE    None of your business! Besides...they're the only things that make me less depressed--

BUD    Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all.  So today is your lucky day - kinda.

JESSE    Kinda?

BUD    [dragged out, savoring] Ye-a-aah. 

MUSIC

MATILDA    It's $200.  That's like three tanks of gas.

RENA    [disgusted sigh]  I hate this work.

MATILDA    One hour plus drive time.  Just think of it as gathering intel.

RENA    I'll think of it as whine tasting.

SOUND    PICKS UP KEYS, DOOR OPENS

MATILDA    Have fun!

MUSIC

SOUND    DOORBELL, DOOR OPENS ON CHAIN

RENA    You called?

JESSE    Oh, yeah, this guy - he gave me your card.

RENA    And?

JESSE    And?

RENA    I didn't come all this way to stand on your porch, unpaid.

MATILDA    [mic] Confirmed.

JESSE    Oh, ah.  Come in.

SOUND    UNCHAINS, OPENS DOOR

JESSE    Yeah, um, it's kind of a mess.  You want a beer or something?

RENA    57 minutes.

JESSE    What?

RENA    Of your hour.  We confirmed your paypal transaction.

JESSE      Oh, right.  My wife – she left me.

RENA    When?

JESSE    Oh, just this morning.

RENA    [disbelieving] Hmph.

JESSE    She's not much of a housekeeper.

RENA    I can smell that.

JESSE    That doesn't mean I don't want her back!

SOUND    POUNDING ON THE DOOR

JESSE    [angry sigh] Just a sec.

RENA    Take your time.

MATILDA    [mic] Cut the poor guy some slack.

SOUND    OPENS DOOR

MRS. CLOSKY    How dare you!

JESSE    How dare I, what?

MRS. CLOSKY    Bring a hooker into your house while your wife's away?

MATILDA    [mic] [laughing hysterically]

RENA    [low] Not funny.

MATILDA    [mic] I told you the black leather was wrong for the neighborhood!

RENA    Tough is tough.

JESSE    She's not--

MRS. CLOSKY    I know just what kind of woman has the bleached blonde hair and the motorcycle.

JESSE    But Cassie--

MRS. CLOSKY    That poor woman gave you two beautiful children, so any weight she's gained, well that's just as much your fault, isn’t it?

MATILDA    [mic] [fresh peals of laughter]

RENA    I'm gonna turn you off.

JESSE    But Mrs. Closky!

MRS. CLOSKY    You're just like my sonofabitch husband, and I just wish I had had someone like me to speak up on my behalf back when he--

SOUND    DOOR SHUTS, cutting her off

JESSE    [sigh] Shit.

RENA    Sum up quick.  I'm already bored.

JESSE    My wife left me this morning.  I want to find out where she went.

RENA    Did you call her parents?

JESSE    Her mother won't answer.

RENA    Did you call her friends?

JESSE    They’re all on her side.

RENA    Did you check her emails?

JESSE    I didn’t think of that.

RENA    What have you done?

JESSE    I ... called you.

RENA    You understand that first $200 is only for this hour, the one we're currently wasting. 

JESSE    Not for the entire job?

RENA    Not unless I find her in the next 47 minutes.

JESSE    [hopeful] Do you think you can?

RENA    What's her email address?

MUSIC

SOUND    OUTSIDE, WALKING, LEATHER CREAKING

MATILDA    [mic] She already emailed back.  Says he's been a shit since he got laid off.  Says she told him she was going to do this, weeks ago, and he didn't even pay attention.

RENA    Hmph.  Makes me want to run out and find one of my own.

MATILDA    [mic] [laughs]

WILLY    Uh, hello?

RENA    Not in a million years.

WILLY    I was just looking for a - ah!  There's the address.

SOUND    HE HUSTLES OFF

RENA    Must be a friend of his--

MRS. CLOSKY    [off, calling]  You!

RENA    Oh hell.

MRS. CLOSKY    You, woman!

MATILDA    [mic] Uh-oh. 

RENA    [sigh] What?

MRS. CLOSKY    How much do you charge?

MATILDA    [mic] Tell her you don't do lemon parties.

RENA    I don't-- [starts over] I am a bounty hunter.

MRS. CLOSKY    Oh!  Well, that's a disappointment.

RENA    That I'm not a prostitute?

MRS. CLOSKY    I have a nephew.  Unmarried.  He could use a little cheering up.  And his birthday's coming!

MATILDA    [mic] [teasing] We are a bit short on cash.

RENA    I - I have to go.  Now.

SOUND    MOTORCYCLE REVS

MUSIC

AMB    MATILDA'S DEN

SOUND    DOOR SHUTS (OFF)

SOUND    RENA ENTERS

MATILDA    [calling] So, how was the nephew?

RENA    [muffled] Funny.

SOUND    KNOCK ON DOOR

RENA    There wasn't any - oh.

MATILDA    What?

RENA    Who pops up out of nowhere on a regular basis?

SOUND    OPENS DOOR

BUD    Hiya doll!  [louder] Dolls!

RENA    [to M] You okay with having him in?

MATILDA    Yeah, I guess.

BUD    Make a guy feel wanted, why dontcha?

MATILDA    We forgot to vacuum!

RENA    We're antisocial.

BUD    And here I thought it was just me.

RENA    You forgot to vacuum too?

MATILDA    Get over here, where I can see you!

SOUND    WALKING

RENA    Matilda.  Bud. 

SOUND    SHE FLOPS INTO CHAIR

MATILDA    You do look like Steve Buscemi.

BUD    I'm gonna take that as a compliment.  You don't got no more places to sit?

RENA    One butt, one chair.  Part of the recluse mystique. 

MATILDA    There's a stool around somewhere...

BUD    eh.  I can stand.  Don't plan to be here that long.  See, I gotta problem.

MATILDA    Another one?

RENA    We get $200 for the first hour.

BUD    Here.

SOUND    SLAPS DOWN MONEY

BUD    You know, I never woulda mistaken you for a prostitute.

RENA    Good to know.

BUD    Dominatrix, maybe.

RENA    [losing it] It's motorcycle gear!  Not some kind of leather teddy and thigh high boots--

MATILDA    [taunting] With stiletto heels?

RENA    Not helping!  And those things'll break your ankles.  [breath, recomposed]  Clock starts now.  What's your problem?

BUD    You girls are a hoot.  You should take it on the road.

MATILDA    No thanks.

RENA    Tick...tock.

BUD    Fine.  [sigh]  You'd think the life of a demon like me would be a piece of cake.

MATILDA    From what you've said, you seem to have it all down to a system.

BUD    Yeah, well any well oiled machine can go Pfft - if you stick in the wrong cog.

RENA    What have you been sticking in your cogs?

BUD    [snicker] It's Infernique. 

MATILDA    Sounds like a perfume.

BUD    The demon chick you fixed me up with.

RENA    Nuh-uh.  No fixing.  Just tricked her into giving in and going out with you.  Once.  Whatever happened after - not my fault.

MATILDA    Well, maybe just a little.

BUD    She's convinced she gotta class me up.

RENA    Class?  You?

BUD    You don't need to make it sounds like such a joke, babe.

MATILDA    I wondered about the suit.  Seemed awfully--

RENA    Tasteful?

MATILDA    Restrained.  I mean, the descriptions - you have such ... flair!  [undertone] help me out here.

RENA    No.

BUD    Yeah, yeah, so I like the classics.  This sharkskin still got its own kind of flash, but she's killing me with the pastels.  [confidential]  You know they come from the pit of despair?

MATILDA    Pastels?

BUD    Yeah.  Not a pretty story.  [up a bit] Anyway, I'm not so good at saying "no" to her, and she's been trying to get me to trade up.  Better department.  Better class of victim.

MATILDA    What will the comedians do without you?

BUD    Yeah, that's what I say, but there's always someone willing to take most any place, but my place is one of those ain't no one gonna fight over, see?

RENA    Nope.

BUD    This guy, Jesse - I gave him your card this morning - ring a bell?

RENA    The douche who didn't realize his wife was about to walk?

BUD    Yeah, well - that's what Infernique wants me for my new clientele.

MATILDA    The recently abandoned?  The thoughtless husbands?

RENA    The douches?  Plenty of them.  You can have 'em.

BUD    Yeah, but she's got me sneaking around behind the back of Willy, the guy whose job it is now, undermining his numbers.  Trying to make him look bad.  Getting the douches to not sign.

MATILDA    All's fair in love and hell?

BUD    I dunno - I ain't liking this.

RENA    Talking people out of selling their souls?  How abominable.

BUD    Nah, it's the backstabbing.  Willy's - well not "good people" maybe, but he ain't a bad guy.  Kind of a plodder.  No inspiration.  But he's got a sweet berth and he's ...competent. 

MATILDA    You'll really miss the comedians, won't you?

BUD    [sighing admission] Yeah.

RENA    Easy.  Tell her you don't want to change.

BUD    Why don’t you just point me at a good doctor, then, for when she rips me a new asshole.

RENA    Guess you're screwed.

MATILDA    Waitaminute.  Look.  the way I see it, you have two choices here.  You can go ahead and be perfect, toe the line, do what she wants and be with her until she finds someone more ambitious--

RENA    Won't be hard.

MATILDA    Shush.  Or you find a way to slack off and subtly let her know that you aren't going to turn into a silk purse any time soon, and let her dump you.

RENA    Talk to that guy from this morning.  I'm sure he can give you some pointers.

MATILDA    The big question is, is she worth it?

BUD    You know... You said a mouthful right there.  I think some deep pondering is in order.  Thanx!

RENA    You still have a few minutes left.

BUD    Ehh - Keep it!  All us classy types tip!

MUSIC

RENA    [snoring]

SOUND    PHONE RINGS, ANSWERED

RENA    [groggy] Hello?  [a bit better] Hello?

SOUND    STRANGE BUZZ ON THE LINE

RENA    Shit.

SOUND    HANGS UP

SOUND    GRABBING CLOTHES, GUN

SOUND    EASES OPEN DOOR

RENA    [deliberately calms her breathing to listen]

SOUND    MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY FROM MATILDA'S ROOM

RENA    [whispered] Shit.

SOUND    QUICK DASH SHUTS MAT's DOOR, MUSIC'S MUFFLED

RENA    [calming her breathing again]

SOUND    CREAK, ACROSS ROOM

RENA    [catch in her breathing, then careful]

SOUND    ANOTHER CREAK, ACROSS THE ROOM

SOUND    RENA CAREFULLY TAKES THE REMOTE

SOUND    CLICK, TV COMES ON, ACROSS ROOM

BENEDICT    [gasp]

SOUND    QUICK SCUFFLE OF MOVEMENT

RENA    [now behind him] You're gonna want to drop that.

SOUND    CLICK OF HER GUN CoCKED

BENEDICT    You don't know what you're doing.

SOUND    CLICK - TV OFF

RENA    I'm the one with the gun.  And the remote.  Whatever you got in your hand, drop it.

SOUND    SOMETHING CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR.

SOUND    MAT'S DOOR FLUNG OPEN

MATILDA    Hold it right there!

RENA    [up] Got 'im.  [to him] Hands behind your back.

BENEDICT    [annoyed] Really?

RENA    Really. 

MATILDA    Sorry I took so long.  Couldn't find the night vision goggles.

BENEDICT    [sigh] Fine.

SOUND    HANDCUFFS ON

BENEDICT    IS this really necessary?

RENA    You're the one who broke in.

MATILDA    I’ll get the lights.

RENA    Goggles off.

MATILDA    I know!

SOUND    GOGGLES OFF, LIGHT SWITCH

MATILDA    Ooh!  He’s smoking hot!  Can we keep him?

BENEDICT    Let me explain.

RENA    Not much chance of that.  Mat, 9-1-1, okay?

MATILDA    [playing it up]  New where did I leave the phone?

BENEDICT    [blurted out] Where are you keeping the demon?

RENA    [surprised snort]

MATILDA    [giggles]  Wow, dramatic much?

RENA    There’s a doghouse out back…

MATILDA    [fresh peal of laughter]

BENEDICT    This is no joke, lady.  Harboring a demonic fugitive is very serious.

RENA    [growling now] “A” – harboring?  Not a chance.  “B” - fugitive? 

BENEDICT    Beelzebud, lower echelon romalpa class signatory demon.  He stands accused of contractual misconduct.

RENA    Let me guess – that’s bad.

BENEDICT    It’s a termination-class penalty.

MATILDA    Oh, shit!

RENA    Tell us more.

BENEDICT    No.

MATILDA    Oh, come on.  You hunt demons.  Do you make a good living at that?

BENEDICT    [bursts out laughing]

RENA    Guess that's a no.

BENEDICT    It's a calling, not a job. 

RENA    So... you're a demon too.

BENEDICT    I'm not telling you anything.

RENA    You broke into our house.  Convince us that we shouldn't call the real-life police.

BENEDICT    I wasn't going to do anything to you - just put this crystal somewhere--

RENA    This thing?

BENEDICT    Yeah.  It's a--[shuts up]  

MATILDA    Might as well finish the sentence.  [beat]  How about strip guesses?

BENEDICT    What?

RENA    If she guesses and she's wrong, you lose a piece of clothing.

BENEDICT    Are you insane?

RENA    We don't get a lot of hot male visitors.

MATILDA    And you woke us up in the middle of the damn night.  Is it a tracking device?

BENEDICT    No.

MATILDA    Camo coat.

BENEDICT    Can’t take it off over the handcuffs.

MATILDA    Oh, bummer.  Pants, then.

BENEDICT    [panicking a little] It's a simple listening device - like a mystic "bug"  Ok?

RENA    Guess he wins.  Sorry Mat.

MUSIC

AMB    COMEDY CLUB [HEARD FROM BACKSTAGE]

FAT GUY    [punchline to a joke] Boom-boom, boom-boom, boom-boom.

SOUND    SCATTERED LAUGHTER, NOT MUCH

FAT GUY    and... Good night!

SOUND    RUNS IN

MANAGER    That could have been better.

FAT GUY    [grumpy] Open mike, read it and weep.

BUD    Psst.

FAT GUY    What do you want?

BUD    I like what you did up there.

FAT GUY    [knowing] I know who you are.

BUD    You... do?

FAT GUY    Yeah, I was warned there's a guy going around with bogus contracts.  Screw off.

BUD    I don't know nothing from bogus. I'm as legit as they come--

FAT GUY    [squealing]  You want me to call the cops?  Jeez!

SOUND    STOMPS OFF

BUD    [muttering, furious] Bogus contracts, eh? 

SOUND    HE GOES OUT INTO ALLEY.  DOOR SHUTS

BUD    [furious - cussing in latin] Mater tua caligas gerit!

RENA    You kiss someone's mother with that mouth?

BUD    [affable again] You know latin, doll?

RENA    [shrug] I know cussing.

BUD    [chuckles]

RENA    Matilda wanted me to warn you.  Someone's on your tail.

SOUND    MOTORCYCLE REVS, OFF

RENA    And... He probably followed me here.

BUD    [not real disturbed] Yikes.

RENA    I thought I left you in handcuffs.

BENEDICT    Your sister took pity on me.

MATILDA    [mic] He's not such a bad guy.

BUD    All right occifier.  I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

RENA    Don't joke.

BENEDICT    You might step out of the way, ma'am.

RENA    [to Bud] You need some help?

BUD    Why?

RENA    I don't know.  I just thought I'd ask.

BUD    I'm touched.  Oddly.  [beat] Nope.  It ain't gonna be pleasant, but ain't nothing to be done about that.  See you soon, doll.

SOUND    COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS, WEIRD WHOOSHING NOISE

MATILDA    [mic] Well... I'll miss him.

RENA    Yeah.  [sigh, beat]  Donuts?

SOUND    SHE WALKS BACK TO MOTORCYCLE

SOUND    PHONE RINGS

RENA    Hmm? 

SOUND    BEEP

RENA    [wondering] Who the hell?

SOUND    TURNS ON

RENA    What?

JESSE    [phone] Are you doing anything at all?

MATILDA    [mic] Who’s that?

RENA    Found her. Job done.

JESSE    [phone] She’s not back!

RENA    Yeah.  Sucks.  She’s still pissed off.

MATILDA    [mic] Oh, him.  What does he expect, that you’ll ride in with his wife over your shoulder, kicking and screaming?

RENA    I’m not draggin her home by her hair.

JESSE    [phone] Then what are you doing?

RENA    I told her to email you a list of demands.  Have you checked your email?

JESSE    [phone] I can’t!  The bitch cut off my internet!

RENA    [sotto voce] Boo-hoo. [up] Hold on.  I’m transferring him to you, Matilda.  I am not playing phone relay for—

SOUND    HUGE SPOOOKY WHOOOSHY SOUND

SOUND    BODY FLUNG INTO WALL

RENA    Ungh!

SOUND    PHONE SKITTERS AWAY

SOUND    THINGS GO WEIRD AND HOLLOW

MATILDA    [mic] [fading into odd tunnel]  Rena?  Rena!!!!   Rena!!!!

MUSIC

AMB    MATILDA’S LAIR

MATILDA    [panicking] Rena?  [deep shaky breath]  Don’t freak out.  Don’t freak out.  Maybe it’s the cell tower.  Maybe it’s--  Maybe its demons.  Oh shit.

INFERNIQUE    Shit is right!

MATILDA    [almost a scream] Who the fuck are you?

INFERNIQUE    Where is my BUD?  [spooky] What have you done with him?

MATILDA    [trying hard to stay calm, but kind of losing]  Bud?  I don’t know!  We-we didn’t do anything!  [almost a scream] Where’s my sister?

INFERNIQUE    That’s what I want to know!  When I tried to triangulate on her, I got NOTHING. 

MATILDA    Triangulate?

INFERNIQUE    Anyone who deals with us has a sort of trace on them ...evermore.  Until they pass beyond.  Is she dead?

MATILDA    [whine]   Nooo?

INFERNIQUE    If she isn’t then she’s passed out of this realm.  She never said she could DO that!

MATILDA    I’m just going to faint now.  I hope you don’t mind...

RENA    [on speaker, weak]  Mat?

MATILDA    [gasp] 

INFERNIQUE    What?

MATILDA    [thinking hard] I-I can’t find a good place to fall down. 

INFERNIQUE    She’s on your headset?

MATILDA    She was, just for a moment.

INFERNIQUE    [satisfied]  hah.  There.  Yes.  She must be in the outer fringe.  Guess we won’t be seeing her again.

MATILDA    [sobbing gasp]

MUSIC

AMB    ECHOEY DUNGEON

BUD    Babe?

RENA    [waking] What?  Oh, crap.  Am I dead?  Cuz having to listen to you forever is kind of like my vision of hell.

BUD    Yeah, she’s okay.

RENA    [weak] Matilda?

BUD    Back home where she belongs.

RENA    [sigh of relief]  Not hell, then.

SOUND    CHAINS

RENA    What’s with the—

SOUND    CHAINS

RENA    Shit.

BUD    Yeah, that.  I guess I-uh kinda underestimated Willy-boy.

RENA    Is that that demon hunter?

BUD    [snort of laughter]  Oh, him.  Nah.  That was all part of Willy’s plan to get me off his case.

RENA    oh.  The demon you were undermining.

BUD    Bingo!  I love a bright dame.

RENA    And now he’s got us both chained up in a dungeon?  Great.

WILLY    [demonic sounding]  Just what I was thinking!  Muhahahahahahaha [evil laugh]

RENA    [undertone, to herself] Be vewwy vewwy quiet.  [up] Wow.  This is a swell party. 

WILLY    You're only here because I'm curious what would make a mortal... collaborate with such a filthy maggot as Beelzebud.

RENA    You make it sound a lot more fun than it is.

BUD    Hey, hey!  Willy, old boy--

WILLY    [demon] You will call me Willial [will-LIE-ul]!  [back normal]  Don't think I don't know what you've been up to, behind my back, Beelzebud!

BUD    ahhh.  A few short circuits.  It's all in fun.  Plus you got me back, but good - setting a popper on me.

RENA    [half a snort] Popper?

BUD     The hunter - [offhand] you know, you led him to me.

RENA    Yeah.  Sorry bout that.

WILLY    I'm surprised to see you still up and around, Bud.

BUD    Believe it or not, I'm clean. 

RENA    It's not like he just up and decided he wanted your crappy job, Willy.

BUD    [quiet] I really prefer my own crappy job.

WILLY    You should have kept your hands off my beeswax, then!

RENA    Oy vay.  [quiet, to Bud]  Can this guy actually do anything?  To me, I mean?

BUD    [evasive] Not legitimately. 

RENA    [up] Then maybe you'll back the fuck out of my face, elmer fudd, and let me go.

BUD    On the other hand he's already more or less kidmapped you, so who knows what else he's willing to do.

RENA    Shit.

BUD    Yeah, like anything a stupid mortal chick says is going to piss Willial off more than I already have.  Hah!

WILLY    [suspicious] You're up to something.

RENA    Nah, just mouthing off.  [whisper]  Keep him talking.

BUD    So, Willy - Ooh!  [snide] You kidnapped a human, what's the next step?  Custodial interference?  Stealing candy from a baby?

WILLY    I-I'm not sure.  I mean, I haven't decided yet what all to do with you.  For now, I'll let you stew.

SOUND    DOOR SLAMS

RENA    [sigh]  Nice try.

BUD    [not quite lying] Try?

RENA    Yeah, whatever.

BUD    [beat]  If we had cards, I play a mean Canasta.

RENA    Takes two decks.

SOUND    TAPPING FINGERS, WAITING

SOUND    DISTANT COMMOTION

BUD    Finally.  Beez.  Thought they'd never get here.

RENA    [surprised] You were expecting someone?

BUD    Waitaminute, you were?  Oh, boy - this could be a serious case of overkill....

SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN

RENA    You ain't just whistling dixie.

BENEDICT    [breathing hard from exertion]  Ok, this is not what I was expecting.

RENA    You got something for chains?

BUD    Uh, we might wanna wait--

RENA    [suspicious] Why?

INFERNIQUE    [distant demony scream]  Beelzebud!

BUD    Yeah.  That.

RENA    Demon hunter - you, guy.

BENDICT    Benedict. 

RENA    Right, like Shakespeare.  I'm bad with names. 

BENDICT    Let me get those chains--

RENA    Quick!  What's the penalty for illegal imprisonment of a human?

INFERNIQUE    [a little closer]  Where is he?

BUD    It ain't much. He didn't hurt you or nothing.

RENA    Well?

BENEDICT    Something like a hundred years of hemorrhoids.  I don't actually sentence--

RENA    Wanna stick him with something worse?

BUD    [speculative] I like where this is going.

BENEDICT    I ...don't.

MUSIC

INFERNIQUE    [roaring up]  What did you do with him?

WILLY    You are in my domain, succubus!

INFERNIQUE    Insults?  How dare you!

BUD    [off, pathetic]  Ohhhhhh....

INFERNIQUE    Out of my way!

WILLY    [surprised] What the hell?

BUD    [off, weak]  Is that you, baby snakes?

SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN

WILLY    [bewildred] But I didn't--

INFERNIQUE    [incensed] Chained?

BUD    Oh, babe.  I'm so glad to see you.  Willy there whupped my fanny, but good.

WILLY    I-I--

RENA    I think the popper is concussed.

INFERNIQUE    [amazed] Popper?

WILLY    [an octave higher] Popper?

BUD    You're gonna get us out of these, aren't you sweetie?

RENA    Wake up, dude!

SOUND    GENTLE SLAPPING TO TRY AND ROUSE HIM

INFERNIQUE    [speculative] You... chained a popper?

WILLY    I-I-  He-- they--

INFERNIQUE    Just nod your head, handsome.

RENA    [quiet] I'm hunting wabbits.

BENEDICT    [smothered snort of laughter]

BUD    Come on babe, leave Willy alone.  Get me out of here.

INFERNIQUE    That's Willial, you little weasel.  [laughs contemptuously]  I think it's about time to trade up.

WILLY    I- uh- I- uh--

INFERNIQUE    [very hot]  There's nothing sexier than a tongue-tied demon.

RENA    [trying to sound upset but not getting it] After all Bud has done for you!

BUD    [grovelling]  You can't just leave us here! 

INFERNIQUE    Willy will let you go when he's good and ready, won't you?

WILLY    [frantic] Uh, Beelzebud?

BUD    Fine!  Keep your job!  Take my woman!  You have everything!  [big mock sob]

SOUND    DOOR SLAMS SHUT

MUSIC

SOUND    MATILDA'S DEN

SOUND    WHOOSH OF ARRIVAL

BENEDICT    I honestly don't know which of you was worse, back there.

RENA    Emoting is not in my skill set.

BUD    Tell me about it. 

MATILDA    You're back!

RENA    Yeah, it's all okay.

MATILDA    I thought--

RENA    [strangely gentle] You know I always promised if I die I'd come right back and haunt you.

MATILDA    [sob of relief]

BENEDICT    Can we--?

RENA    Fuck off, will you guys?

BUD    I got this. 

SOUND    WHOOSH

MATILDA    I was [hiccupy sob] I was so--

RENA    I'm here.  You're not alone.  Maybe I should get that Benedict guy back - he owes us a pair of pants.

MATILDA    [laughs and cries]

SOUND    PHONE RINGS

RENA    Voice mail?

MATILDA    [much calmer] Voice mail.  Yeah.

JESSE    [on voice mail]  What did you do to my wife?  All of a sudden she's laying down the law and saying she won't put up with me unless I toe the line!  Man!  She's even talking about us writing up some kind of contract!  Are you even listening?

SOUND    BEEP

END