The story in my head is ________________

While listening to episode #408 of the Tim Ferriss Show I heard a fantastic communication technique that I wanted to focus in on for episode #192 of The Happy Doc. In the episode they discussed many topics but one of them was a technique that Tim Ferriss’ girlfriend uses in order to clarify Tim’s thoughts and feelings around something. Often times in relationships it can be difficult to read the other individual’s mind, but it is also important to make sure that two people are on the same page. Does a verbal question exist that is non-confrontational and provides clarification to another’s inner dialogue or thinking?

The phrase is as follows: “the story in my head is _________.”  For example, “the story in my head is that I haven’t been keeping in touch with you as much and it feels to me like you are distancing yourself.” That technique and example are really nice because it shows that this is the individual's thinking, and does not claim that the other person actually thinks that way. The truth is that we are not truly able to read minds. We can only know what we think in our own heads. This type of statement gives the other individual the opportunity to say what they actually feel and think in a non-threatening way.

By using non-confrontational language, we increase our chances for other individuals to speak to us with greater truth and vulnerability. Using language that accuses other individuals of how they feel or think, steers conversation into a hostile and confrontational territory and leads to a higher likelihood of argument or non-effective conversation. By utilizing improved language we have an opportunity to increase our effectiveness in communicating wants and needs, this allows us to be happier in our relationships!

Episode link to Tim Ferriss Show:

https://tim.blog/2020/01/30/random-show-new-years-resolutions-2010-2019-lessons/