Howie Says We Should Just Enjoy the Ride

 

At the risk of sounding like I am trying to justify my existence (forgive me, but I am only a few pages into your book)  I want to clarify something I said last night.  The desire to do so comes more from my need to treat others as I would want to be treated and as I thought of your response I was left thinking that I would hate to believe that I was merely a "toy" to you.

 

When I said "you are so much fun to play with" I meant that as in such a fun play mate.  I often say, "I was never a child" and what I mean is that I didn't play and did not enjoy the company of children.  I preferred to be out mowing lawns, washing trailers and later working in family businesses.  (In retrospect, justifying my existence)  Being with you is the closest thing to playing I have experienced because you are so easy and enjoyable to be with.

 

Perhaps this has a great deal to do with the anxiety that I associate with our visits.  I am doing something that I have never done and don't know how to do.  I have to do everything that I embark on better than it's ever been done before or I won't attempt it.  I am totally out of my element in the presence of a man that doesn't need me to fix him, support him or otherwise cure him of his emotional trauma.

 

If I had ever learned to play, this might be like a second childhood to me and come back as proverbially easily as riding a bike, but it's my first time around and I don't know what I am doing.  When you took my statement to refer to you as a toy, it was easier to agree and roll with it, than to try and verbalize all of this.  You are much more than a toy... although from a merely sexual standpoint, I couldn't have designed one better.

 

22 Dec 2002 16:02:05 -0500

 

The "toy" comment was just humor - gotta watch out sometimes for my dry wit.

 

And as far as you being "merely a toy" to me, I hope and think you know from our discussion of similar values that I would not treat you or anyone else as a "toy".  But as I've urged previously that we keep in mind, we also cannot predict the future.  I've tried to recommend just enjoying the process of getting to know each other, treasuring the moments we find enjoyable with each other because that is something no one can ever take away, and not creating expectations about the future, at least at this point.  I think the latter just does no good, and creates stress and interferes with enjoying the moment.

 

Re your comfort level visiting, ok, ok, you win - I'll come up with something you can fix so you can feel at ease and stop stressing about visiting.  I'll develop a nervous tick or something.

 

Seriously, I don't think any of us gets to this point without baggage, and I certainly have mine.  I just don't expect you to fix any of it.  I think people who care about us can provide comfort at times, maybe advice at others, but ultimately we each need to face our own demons.  Can be scary.  But I think anyone who thinks someone else can do it for them is kidding themselves.

 

Not sure yet if I'll lug the laptop and be on email, but either way will talk to you end of week and we'll decide on our quiet, relaxing New Year's plan.  Meantime, have a nice holiday week!

 

And thanks again for the clever website.  Totally cool surprise.

 

And to put you through the same intrigue that your "project" did me, I have a mystery for you.  It is easy to find items that capture a particular interest someone has.  But, when someone has multiple passionate interests, it is very difficult to find an item that can represent them all.  But, with diligence, I have done it.  Unfortunately it did not arrive in the mail by yesterday.  But be aware that I have, indeed, found it and should have it soon.  No acknowledgement will be made of any guesses.

 

Chow (redneck for ciao).

 

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will genera